Worst investment…ant farm. Those ants didn’t plant shit!
As I sat on my throne(ugly wooden chair I found on 14th street) yesterday, I starting thinking about all the toys and treasures I collected in my youth. Thankfully I had a mother who understood how important action figures, hot wheels, and Dr Seuss books were, because I had a lot. I also had a bunch of ‘other toys’. They were the toys that my mother refused to buy me…mostly guns, dildos, and ’silly shit’, as she would call it. Two of the things she categorized as ’silly shit’ was, sea monkeys and an ant farm. Truthfully, I thought she was fucking nuts. At 8 years old I was sure they were God’s gift to children…well, at least children with mothers who really loved them(my mom occasionally reads my blog. Now she’ll know the pain she put me through as a child).These were the only things I ever wanted growing up(I also wanted the book, White Fang, and after three years of bitching and swearing to God that I would read it if she bought it, she bought it for me. To this day I’ve never read that book, and don’t plan to because the wolf on the cover looks like a douche bag). Back to my story.
Well my shitball sister went to our dad’s house one weekend, without me, and secretly convinced him to order her a sea monkey kit from the weekly elementary school paper…you might remember it as, Highlights or Scholastics(and that sneaky little bitch wonders why I made her sleep in the basement when she came to visit me in New York). Yeah, you should of seen my face when I walked into her room and saw little sea monkeys swimming all around. She saw me and smiled, as if saying, “oh look at this little bitch, wishing he had some sea monkeys”. I was livid. I tried spitting on her, but her fan was on high and it just flew back into my eyes. I punched her wall, walked out, and ran right into my mom room crying like the little dick sniffer I was. “GOD DAMN IT!!!!!! WHY DOES ARIELLE HAVE SEA MONKEYS?!?!?!” My mother was taking a nap. She woke up, threw a pillow at me and said if I didn’t shut up the fuck up she was going to put me up for adoption. I left the room and decided I was going to light the house on fire…I later decided this would be stupid, because I would end up killing the sea monkeys. So I did the second best thing, I stole the sea monkeys and peed all over my sisters bed. This too didn’t work out so well, because when my sister walked into her room and saw someone peed on her bed and stole the sea monkeys, she got a butchers knife and told me she was going to stab me. I screamed bloody fucking murder and climbed out my window onto the roof. She locked me out and slept in my bed. My mother’s nap went all through the night and around 3-4am I feel off the roof and broke my legs.
The next day my family felt so bad that I feel off the roof ‘while trying to install a American flag’, as my mom told them, that my grandmother bought me an ant farm. And at that moment in time, it was all worth it…I had won, I had broke legs, but I had an ant farm. I sat in my bed for days just starring at my little ants dig tunnels, and do other ant things. I was the happiest boy in the world. Even when I woke up and saw my sister drew two giant purple dicks on my casts, I was still in a good mood. I loved life….until I realized this ant farm sucked. Why did they call it an ant farm? They didn’t farm. They didn’t plant shit. They just walked around and ate sand. I decided if I had to fall off a roof to get this, I better get my monies worth. I started playing games like, flood the farm and put the farm in the microwave. Both the ants and I started having way more fun. Next I took my little ants out to the park to meet friends. I thought they might like to meet Mr. Dragon Fly…and I was right, they thought he was delicious. Then I found another ant pile and got ready for a gang fight. I spent the next ten minutes catching ants and sticking them in the farm. It was worth it, as watching them kill each other was a lot more fun than watching them build tunnels. Sadly, even this got boring after a while, and when my sister walked up and asked, “what’s it like having Barnie’s dick on your legs?” I knew how I’d solve my ant farm problem.
As my sister slept in her piss bed that night I dumped that stupid ant farm all over her. After I felt the ants had evenly dispersed all over her body I took that stupid sea monkeys jar and poured that shit all over her head. I said a prayer to myself, crawled back to my room, opened up one of the Dr. Seuss books my mom had bought for me, and laughed the night away.
Trying to return my White Fang book,
Daniel Dickey
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Haha…hilarious!
lmfaooo this is fucking ridcccc! im gonaa see your sister this week and imm def. gona ask her about it!
and i always wanted a sea monkeytoooo! :/
way to be hilarious. I love all of your blog entries.
classy
Wasn’t it? I was hoping you’d come back to see that, therefore the keys words left for you. I would have emailed you directly, but didn’t think the email your left was going to work. Email me, I’d love to chit chat about how wonderful Mitch is!