So I’m sitting at my desk, breaking out in hives, and really regretting a decision I made a couple of hours ago.
As I walked out of work and into the chaos that is Times Square I saw everyone eating delicious Papa John’s pizza. Not single slices…they all had FULL pies. I saw hundreds of fat tourist stuffing their face with that warm cheese, sauce, and soft baked bread. They must have be giving it out for free! I knew if I didn’t get some quick I’d have to go home and eat Cap’n Cruch for the 23rd straight day, and that wasn’t an option. I sprinted north towards 46th street….the pizza boxes were becoming more sporadic. I was going the wrong way. I turned around, signaled for a cab, got in, thought “WTF do I need a cab for?” got out and ran south. It wasn’t until 44th street that I started to see the real heat. EVERYONE had a box of pizza, many had two or three. My blood was pumping. I was focused. This was dinner damn it.
I see them! I see them! They were by 7th Ave, two little Mexican pizza people pushing a cart loaded with Papa John delivery bags. Oh my salvation from starvation. Smiling like a preteen who just got her first period before all of her friends, I jogged up to the cart and declared, “I want PIZZAAAAA”. Not even bothering to look at me, he replied “We’re out amigo”. While cracking my knuckles I replied, “Amigo? Bitch, you two have been feeding these smelly German tourist for hours, so help me if you don’t get me my pizza I’m going to get macho man Randy Savage in the middle of Times Square. Straight up elbow you in the face”. Again not even bothering to look at me, he said, “I’m sorry my friend, we’re out”. I could have gonna Taliban right there and started blowing shit up…but that wouldn’t have got me pizza. I turned around frantically looking for another pizza man. There was nobody around except for happy people eating their pizza two slices at a time. I was defeated. It was too late. Cap’n Crunch I’ll be home for dinner.
I walked towards the subway disappointed, hungry, and shoeless(I got so mad watching other people eat their pizza that I took my shoes off and threw it at a couple feeding each other slices of pepperoni. Hit them both in the face. BOOM! Chew on that). That’s when my luck changed. It was smiling at me. It was blowing kisses at me. It said, “Hello handsome. Why don’t you eat me?” I saw a box of pizza sitting on top of a garbage can on 43rd and Broadway. Looking around, I walked up, opened the box and saw a full pie looking up at me, smiling. Now realize this was a box of pizza on top of a GARBAGE in one of the the dirtiest places in the world. It could have been covered in urine, snot, spit, dog shit, anthrax…and I picked it up and walked away with it. I went and sat on a bench and studied it closely for about a minute. Then I grabbed a slice and ate it. I ate the rest of it on the subway heading back to Brooklyn. I got home flicked off my box of Cap’n Crunch and laughed.
That was two hours ago. I now realize how fucking insanely stupid I am for eating that. I’ve called most of my loved ones and said my goodbyes. I’ve broken out in hives…I’m not sure if it’s from the anthrax and heroine on the pizza or because I’m having a nervous breakdown. I haven’t freaked out like this since I got my dick stuck in the vacuum cleaner. I figure if I’m going to die, I might as well document it. I’m sure my death will bring my blog millions of hits…unfortunately worms will be eating my body because I thought eating a pizza found on a garbage in New York City was a good idea. I am a fool.
Heading To The Hospital,
Daniel Dickey
Related posts:
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Many people eat goodies from INSIDE Times Square’s garbage cans daily and they’re still kickin’ it. A pizza ON TOP of a garbage can is just asking to be eaten… any normal person wouldn’t have passed that up.
Julianne, I love you.
Almost as bad as when the Ph busboys eat YOUR food with YOUR fork in the breakroom…
OMG… You actually caused me to laugh! Daniel Dickey made me laugh! I was extreemely bored and depressed, therefore read this blog. Worth it! I feel better.