I’ve written a blog about this several times, but have deleted all of them before they were published.
A week ago I was hesitantly informed that a very close and mutual friend of my exgirlfriend and I, drunkenly informed her of his undeniable, irresistible, and extremely creepy love for her . Story is, after a slobbery confession of passion, devotion, and twisted sexual fantasies, he abruptly went in for a kiss. She was shocked and pulled away (at least that’s what I was told).
Now here lies the issue. I could careless who she decides to get involved with, as chances are I have a much bigger penis and a very promising future, but if one of my previously close friends decides hes loved her since he met her and wants to spend his life with her, that does bother me…just a little bit.
If you have loved her since you met her, and met her while we were dating, then you obviously fancied her despite our friendship and I can’t help but wonder…all those times we went out to the Ale House and I would squeeze her boob and bark like a dog, did you wish it was you? Did you wish you were cupping her breast and licking her ears? Or the night we were all out drinking at Tijuana Taxi and I told you about the time my ex peed all over me in the shower. Did you secretly wish she peed all over you? Or remember when you were in a play together and after rehearsals you would go out together, because we were all FRIENDS, did you sometimes imagine that you were on a date, together, alone? What about when we broke up and me and you had those long conversations about relationships. Do you remember your advice to me? It was something along the lines of, “Danny you have to forget about her and just move on”. Good advice… good advice if you’re trying to finger her.
There are a couple options to deal with a situation like this…
- A: Put a curse on you.
- B: Draw pictures of you getting fucked by a Sheep and post them on facebook.
- C: Send your name and contact info to Dateline: How to catch a predator.
- D: Shoot you in the face with a crossbow.
- E: Not give a fuck.
Though my first four options would be much more fun, I will go with E. Why? Because what you did was pretty wak (I’ve been brushing up on my ethic terminology) and in my new found adulthood I don’t care to dwell on it. I have blogged about it and now it is off my mind. I can only hope in your near future you will find the desire to eat a whale’s ass and get raped by a pack of vicious wolves.
Buying a book of spells,
Daniel Dickey
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
lololol
*Yawwwwwn* Yo Hebrew…..you are letting this chick make you mad like that? So what you heard was coming from an angry exgirlfriend’s side of the story. You think maybe she was twisting shit to piss you off? Come on man. I was trying to stay out of it, but you are both my boys. You’re smarter than that. What would have pissed her off back, would be you not caring about it and asking him about what really happened first. Bitches are crazy and you know this mannnnnnnnnnn.
Seen it happen to many times…shitty friend. Him, not you. You = great internet friend.
Yo Beezy,
He went in to kiss her…what more do I need to know?
Hey mister,
I dont know if you remember me from short ribs 1..you always called me Mimi but i just wanted to say im sorry all of this went down. I spoke to steph about it and now im reading your side and i hate this whole situation. I thought you guys would work out, out of all the others but shit happens and people change. If it helps i love your blog and you, even though we didnt know each other well.
you mean, he waited until AFTER you two broke up to make a move?? WHAT NERVE!…oh wait…
he’s a douche baggggggggggg
you’re a queer for even writing about this
- TRK
NOH – so you think it was fine for a close friend of mine to go after my exgirlfriend?
Garrett (the real kenya) – you’re a queer for not moving to New York.
you’re not a queer. you have FEELINGS. i would be irate.