As I type this my eyes are red, burning, and might be infected with several different virus’s caused from falling asleep with your contacts in. Why didn’t I just take them out like I do every other night? Because I was way too busy having a fantacular (Fantastic / Spectacular) time drinking Yuenglings by the barrel, dancing to Bon Jovi, and pimpin out this gorgeous little that girl to some fat liquor salesman so he would buy us shots of SoCo and lime. Sounds wonderful? That’s my life.
So I’m finishing off my third beer as I see Andy Bernard (Office reference) approaching our table in the back of the bar. He looks sloppy as ever with his hair in a messy comb over and his pudgy perspiring face peering in our direction. Half of his wrinkled button down shirt hung out of his suit pants, while the other was tucked in, but protruding out of his zipper like a little shriveled ’shirtdick’. He was alone, but his pink tie assured me he was looking for something sweet to bring back to his hotel. I made eye contact and gave him a slow wink. He looked around unsure if I was actually winking at him, but when his fat neck spun back around I pointed to my roommate, letting him know I had a girl that who wouldn’t mind kissing him with tongue.
He walked up unsure, confused, and with the confidence of a shrimp in a shark tank. Tara (my roommate) saw him and already knew what was going on…I’ve done this many time before. With a sharp stare she conveyed, ‘Danny you are such a shit and I don’t feel like flirting with flubber face so you can get free beers’. With a smile I conveyed, ‘You’re late on rent, again, so smile and tell him you’re really drunk and super horny’. Our other friends didn’t understand why I was holding hands with this man and attempting to kiss him on the cheek…they would thank me when Mr. Pink Tie bought the next round.
- Me: Hey Guy! What’s your name, Steve?
- Fat Face: Uh, my name, Matt.
- Pretty Girl I Want To Kiss: (as she batted her pretty little eyes) Your name Matt OR your name is Matt?
- Fat Face: Yes.
- Me: Good answer. So what do you do? You look like a senator or a expensive plumber. (I poke Tara in the ribs because she hasn’t said a word to him)
- Fat Face: I’m a sales man for Jack Daniels and Southern Comfort. (I kick Tara in the shin)
- Tara: (starring at the wall) Oh that’s so fun.
- Me: Yeah, that is sooo fun…especially because we LOVE Jack Daniels and Southern Comfort.
- Pretty Girl I Want To Kiss: Yeah! Matt you’re not being a good salesman right now. You haven’t tried to sell us anything.
- Me: Well except for that fine face. I’m sold that this guy one smoking hot bachelor. Right Tara? (Tara tries to go to the bathroom and I grab her by her belt)
- Fat Face: Well should, um, do you guys want a round?
- Pretty Girl I Want To Kiss: Yeah that sounds great. How about we do another round of Yuenglings and then we’ll get started on those SoCo’s.
- Tara: I don’t want Yuengling…I’m drinking Cherry Wheat.
- Me: Oh now you speak.
(He walked to the bar and pointed to us. It looked exactly like the scene in Dumb and Dumber where Jeff Daniels throws a bunch of salt on that huge trucker guy…blah blah blah, at the end of the scene they go up to the register and tell the cashier that the trucker will be paying the bill. When she looks the trucker waves his hand…YEAH same thing, just when he went to the bar I climbed onto the table laughing because this fool was buying us beers)
He came back six beers in hand and Tara and a friend grabbed theirs and went to go flirt with some weirdo Irish guy with a model beard. I had the Pretty Girl I Wanted To Kiss (PGIWTK) and she was working the corner for daddy. I let her go flirt up a storm as I finished my free beer and I watched them walk right back up to the bar. They came back with shots…and more shots…and more shots…until we realized we were all smashed and this creepster was starting to look like he was going to kill someone. He was sweating more than ever and looked like he was getting hungry for the meat of these tender ladies. I wasn’t going to let him chew on my girls and as he picked songs at the jukebox I started getting all of our coats.
Ahhhhh my shift is up at work and I’m going to a gay bar to help a friend go lesbian shopping…she heard there was a sale.
Long story short, I got hammer, had a great time, and acted like a prude around PGIWTK…can’t wait to do it again.
Side note: If it came across like we just took advantage of some random guy…realize this guy wanted to buy someone drinks, I just made sure that someone was us. He was bored, rich, and stummbling around the bar looking for friends. We became his best friends for three rounds…then we ran the fuck out of there.
Daniel Dickey
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So, you were just using me? I picked a real jammin’ tune for us…