When I moved to New York I decided I no longer wanted a TV. (I had no money to buy a TV or pay for cable, hence me deciding I no longer wanted a TV.) It has helped to keep my brain away from the rot that is poor programing and over publicized celebrity gossip, but it also hinders me from keeping up to date with global news. While reading the paper this morning, (I sound really old saying that.) I stumbled across some news that will prove very vital to my career. I learned about the late night feud going on between Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien. If you’re not familiar with the situation, Jay is renigging and wants his show back. Conan, as would anyone else, said eat this big dick sandwich right here and shut it ho. What does it mean for the world? It means Jay is getting his show back and Conan is leaving the station…leaving the Late Late Show wide open.
NBC you can take this as my official request to be considered as the next host of the Late Late Show. You’re first thoughts must be, “Who the hell is this bearded boy and why is he marching around our studio with a ‘Daniel Dickey Shits On Jimmy Falon’ sign?” Well this bearded boy happens to be your best shot at gaining the ratings your looking for. How do I know that? I have a beard…people with beards (Abraham Lincoln, Sigmund Freud, Rosie O’Donald) are geniuses! I’m also consistently funny some of the time, and will be able to bring a ton of innovative ideas to late night programming.
- Instead of telling jokes to start of the show, I’m going to rap…doesn’t matter about what (monkeys, staplers, build a bears, whatever).
- At the end of every show we kill one audience member. (This way people will always watch till the end. It also gives the audience a chance to really get involved).
- Whenever a celebrity starts acting like a douche bag (Joaquin Phoenix, Tila Tequila, Regis Philbin) I will punch them in the face. (I’m going to punch Regis Philbim either way.)
- Tuesday night booty dance contest. (I don’t think I have to explain how cool this will be. If it goes as well as I think it will, we might even have one for girls too!)
- I’m going to find that black guy from Reading Rainbow and make him my Co-Host (I might even make Reading Rainbow’s theme music the theme music for my show.)
- Theme days. Once a month anyone who comes on the show has to be dressed up in that theme. (First theme? A funeral. I know that doesn’t seem that funny at the moment, but when that night comes around and my first guest asks why the theme is a funeral…I will say, “Cause our ratings are fucking killing David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and that Scottish guy.)
That’s it for now…wouldn’t want to give all my secrets away.
NBC feel free to fax my agent your offer. (I currently don’t have an agent or a fax machine…so you can just email me or like send me a text).
Finding That Reading Rainbow Man,
Daniel Dickey
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Hahaha. I would watch that, and get the Late one, who wants to see Leno?? He’s a douche!!