The small smokey room smelt of burnt skin and baby oil. It’s dated wallpaper was peeling, revealing thick green fungus and large crayon drawings of animal dicks. The dirty wooden stool uncomfortably pressed into my tailbone as I sat at the long bar. This was my first time in Kansas and I was quickly realizing why. The bartender, a large viking like woman, had just challenged me to an arm wrestling match. I said no thank you, as I ordered my third Apple Cider on the rocks. To my request she punched the table, spat in my cup and filled it with cheap vodka. “Thank you”, I said as she took all of the cash in my wallet. There was a silent pause as I sipped my Vodka from a straw. Broke and a little scared I said to myself, “Maybe I should leave?” But my mental thoughts were quickly cut short as I heard a deep moaning whisper in my ear “Don’t you move a muscle, you little sunflower”. Huh?
He was dressed in a pastel pink woman’s dance leotard that hugged his manly hips and flared out on his hairy forearms. It hardly covered his sagging body and was just tight enough to see his erect penis aiming at his outtie belly button. His crud covered Converses reeked of mildew, foot sweat, and syrup; and his long, shaggy, almost dread locked hair smelt as bad as it looked. When I tried to ask him why he was whispering in my ear, he put his sticky index finger over my mouth and told the bartender to get me a warm tomato juice and a rape kit. Who was this Kansas cross dresser? Why did he call me sunflower? Why did he just stick his other hand inside his leotard, and begin stroking his very erect sex organ?
Turns out this transgender was once a political science major at Harvard, but got into methanphedimines during his senior year and dropped out of school to build meth lab’s in the Mid West. Thirty years later, most of his teeth are gone or severely rotting, he wears woman’s clothes, and has a rubber ear and nose do to a large meth lab explosion. “So, um, why exactly are you jerking off right now?” “What do you mean jerking off? I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about?” He placed his other hand on my inner thigh, “Why are you touching my thigh?” “What? I’m not touching your thigh”. He began rubbing my ear lobe, as sweat began to emerge on his forehead. “Guy, listen, please stop touching me”. His beady black eyes began to roll back in his head as I sensed he might be coming to a climax. Like a hungry Vampire he dove at me from his bar stool. Unprepared I flew back, hitting the floor hard, as he laid on top of me humping and rubbing his wiener against my body.”Ahhhh”, I yelped like a girl. His weight was to much; I couldn’t move him. I remembered the rape kit he ordered me and reached for it as he stuck his tongue in my ear. With my ear filled with his saliva I pulled out a bull horn, closed my eyes, and pushed the button right next to his ear…it was the wrong ear, it was his deaf ear. Quickly I switched hands and pushed the button again…this time he jumped up yelling, “My good ear! My fucking good ear! It exploded! Ahhh!” This gave me a second to plan my get away. I zipped up my pants and began crawling towards the door. “Oh no your not”, he screamed as he jumped on my back and began riding me like a horse. In a southern draw I heard “Giddy up little pony. Giddy up little pony. The cowboy wants to fuck you in the barn”. I would not be fucked in a barn like all my friends, I would break free for his rains. “Yeennhhh (A wild horse noise)”. I jumped back on my hein legs, but he held on tight, still rubbing his exposed cock and balls against my bare back. I told him I had herpes, but he didn’t stop. He held my head to the ground and tried biting off my lips. His moaning got louder. His body convulsed more than ever. He had stuck all the toes on my left foot in his mouth. Finally EXPLOSTION.
He had came to climax inside one of my shoes. I was bruised, but I was alive. Within minutes he reapproached me with a large apple cider in hand. “Hey sorry about that, that whole thing that just happened. I just get these animal like urges and I can get a little out of hand”. Awstuck I said, “You just tried raping me on the floor of a bar”. “Yeah, I know, right. It was so weird how it happened. But listen I have got a afterschool baseball program to get to at the local elementary school…I’m a coach, but…if you ever in town give me a ring”. “What?” “Yeah great. See your around”.
He left the same way he came in, through the womans bathroom. That was the last time I’d see him…or so I hoped.
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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
Funny writing. I like.