There is a dirty dirty secret I have been hiding from my fans, my friends and my fellow cult enthusiast. I’ve wanted to talk about it for years, but couldn’t for fear of being stabbed with a knife. I still hold that fear, but no matter, today I come clean about all my dirt.
I used to date a girl with one arm (I know. Just take it in). She actually had one and a half arms–It nubbed off right below the elbow. I know what you’re probably thinking, I did this to show even major celebs like myself don’t mind being seen with the handicap. Not true at all. We never want to be seen with handicapped or deformed people. Fat people are fine, because they make us look and feel so much skinner. CELEBRITY SECRET – Many celebs hire fat people to stay by their side whenever they go out in public. They call them bodyguards, but anyone in the biz knows what’s going on. You’d be surprised what you see behind closed doors in Hollywood.
Back to my stubby armed ex. She sucked at football. She sucked at push ups. But what she REALLY sucked at was throwing her hands in the air at rap concerts. My avid readers already know that I’m very passionate about throwing my hands in the air at rap concerts. Not to mention not being able to enjoy Flo Rida’s awesome new rap song about throwing your hands in the Ayer Ayer Ayer. Sometimes I would get so frustrated at her lack of hands I would punch her right in the chin. But it wasn’t enough. So I’d hit her with some really hash verbal beatings–they hurt so much more.
After the beatings subsided I would console her with sweet words. Did God gave you a permanent Halloween costume? Are your the Hunchback of Notre Dame’s sister or just a really ugly alien? Tonight I gonna make you a real nice TV dinner and instead of me throwing the food at your face like always, I’m going to duck tape a fork to your nub and you can eat like a regular freak.
Looking back, I must admit there were defiantly some killer pluses in having a one armed monster, excuse me, I meant to say girlfriend. Though, I would often refer to her as a armless monster or the half T Rex. I’m overwhelmed with memories of a really really fun game I used to play with her. Whenever we would be in a public place I would point at her and yell as loud as I could, “look at that girl’s stubby arm, it’s so gross!” Man oh man I would laugh so hard every time. For her birthday last year I got her real drunk and convinced her to cover her nub in fake blood and run down the street as I chased her with an axe. That was a B Day for the record books. Another HUGE advantage of that ugly half arm was whenever it rained I could just tape the umbrella to her deformed limb. It worked like a charm. Speaking of charm, that stubbed arm sure did help spice the sex up. Like that time I tied her up, blind folded her and then held my Black and Decker table saw close to her other arm. We got so into it. I was yelling and laughing out, “I’m going to cut off your other arm and feed it to the lions.” (I own a pride of lions). And it was so sexy cause she was screaming, “OH MY GOD PLEASE LENNY. PLEASE YOU’RE FUCKING INSANE! UNTIE ME PLEASE! GOD DON’T CUT MY ARM OFF I’M BEGGING YOU!” So as you can see, a nubby arm has a way to spice up a bedroom.
Overall it didn’t work out. I just couldn’t stand being seen with a monster, it made me want to puke. Before her arm was cut off I didn’t mind her. But the moment after I threw the live chainsaw in our bed for a really good April fools joke and her arm was severed, things changed.
If your wondering if I fed the severed arm to my lions, I did not. I put it in the microwave to try and shrink it like a Doritos bag. The arm didn’t shrink. It actually made a pretty big mess. It took my girlfriend over two hours to clean up (It probably would of taken anybody else an hour, but she only has one arm).
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What, the, fuck?
Yeah, this is terrible. I’ve come a long way.