Question: How many weeds brownies/cupcakes did I eat last night?

Answer: 600 and/or 2.

Hopefully with that knowledge you’ll understand my current mental/physical state.

I had never eaten weed brownies or cupcakes up until last night, and 18 hours after consumption, I’ve only spoken six words and eaten sixty meals. Since one of my roommates is moving back to Florida tomorrow morning and I’m always looking for an excuse to get drunk and do bad things, I decided to have a little shindig at my place. It just so happened everyone we invited were extreme potheads and obviously happened to have a lot of marijuana on them. What did that mean? It meant while I downed my fruit punch and vodka, I was smoking a mega-fat blunt, again, and again, and again. And with that, it began as a great night, just like the other 364 I experienced in New York (yesterday was my one year anniversary of living in New York), but when a friend of mine walked into my kitchen at 2:00am with a zip-lock bag of fresh baked chocolate weed cupcakes it started to become a night worth blogging about.

See I’ve come to realize any pastry filled with weed is not only a wonderful way to maintain a 24 hour high, but they’re also a super satisfying meal. While consuming them, not only am I able to fulfill my craving for marijuana, but I’m also able to attend to my urge to splurge on a redic amount of junk food. The problem arose when I forgot the cupcakes and brownies were jam packed with hash and I had already eaten pounds of them (I might be exaggerating slightly). This is what was going on in my head during the rest of my night.

• 2:12am – Wow these cupcakes taste amazing. I could eat 600 of these.
• 2:23am – I think I’m going to get in the bath, fill it with milk and just sleep in it.
• 3:02am – Am I the only one that can’t feel my feet? It looks like they’re still attached, but I’m not convinced… I think I might be paralyzed.
• 3:03am – Ok, I feel my feet again, but can no longer feel my elbows. Both of them have gone numb. I should prank call people and pretend to be Hulk Hogan.
• 3:17am – The guy that brought these is a little crazy. What the fuck was I thinking eating these? What if there’s poison in them? I need to make sure everyone else eats them too… that way we ALL die.
• 3:43am – I’m having sex? I’m having sex! Am I wearing a condom? I’m wearing a condom! Look, there’s another brownie on the window sill!
• 4:23am – How am I still having sex? Usually I’m asleep after a couple minutes. Who’s making all that noise? Oh snap, there’s a ant on the ceiling. I wonder if he gets dizzy up there? I’d get dizzy up there. Wow, I’m sort of dizzy right now.
• 4:30am – Do I hear more people in the kitchen? Yes, they just lit another joint. I don’t know if I should smoke — I’m so high right now. I wonder if there is a God?
• 5:01am – Why are these people still in my house? When that girl turns her head I’m going to steal her bagel.
• 5:03am – I don’t give a shit if she knows I took the bagel. This is my house and I’ll eat whomever’s bagel. I took the bagel, so fuck you.
• 5:15am – I’m freaking out right now. I think I’m dying. Maybe I should go back to college. Does my breath smell? Does this girl think she’s sleeping in my bed? Oh, another cupcake.
• 5:22am – I think there was cream cheese and turkey in that bagel. I would have never thought to mix those two things on my own. If I cut my thumb off would I get disability checks from the government? Whatever happened to Boys II Men? I should buy a chocolate factory. I wish I was a lion.
• 5:37am – I can’t sleep with this girl in my bed. She’s like 120 degrees. I’m going to start sweating. I should draw a dick on her face. I shouldn’t of eaten that girl’s bagel. I wonder if Jurassic Park is a real place?
• 9:00am – Hey girl! You’re alarm is ringing loud as hell. Get out of — bahahahah I drew a dick on her face!
• 2:22pm – I’m still high. I forgot to take my contacts out. I didn’t die? I’m going back to sleep.

It’s 10pm and I’ve been at work since 4pm. I thought it would feel like an insanely long shift, as I’m still feeling the influences of last night, but surprisingly it’s going by really quick. Maybe I’ll do this more often. I’m submitting my application tomorrow for a place in Mid Town West. Might end up being a Manhattan man after all.

Preheating my oven,

Daniel Dickey

Update: To those of you that stumbled across this blog because you recently ingested or are considering eating pot brownies, my only advice would be to not eat that much off the bat. You get really high. Like really high. So eat half of one and wait an hour or so before consuming more. Or eat a bunch and enjoy the trip you’re going to experience for the next day. Let me know how it goes.