After seeing the popularity of my post, “A conversation with my mother”, I decided to post another one. This took place last night.

Me: Yo mom.
Mom: Yo son.
Me: I need some help with Thanksgiving.
Mom: You need me to send you some turkey recipes?
Me: Na. I need to try and figure out how to convince ‘the girls’ to eat Thanksgiving dinner with me naked.
Mom: Danny, are you still employed? How do you have the time to sit around and think of this stuff?
Me: I’m serious mom. I need something to be thankful for, and what better than naked girls and gravy.
Mom: How about you be thankful that you’re alive and healthy.
Me: Really? If you’re gonna start with that love life stuff I’m going to hang up the phone.
Mom: Did you call me for anything serious.
Me: As if naked girls isn’t something serious! I need you to tell me how to make stuffing.
Mom: Well what kind of stuffing?
Me: The good kind. See this sexy German girl thinks she’s going to make the stuffing and you know how much I love stuffing. So I want to secretly make some stuffing and then just pull that shit out from under the table and be like, “Oh shit! Look what I found. Fuck your stuffing.”
Mom: You’re eating with Germans?!
Me: Just one. But don’t worry; she looks madd Jewish and sexy. Obviously if she tells me I have to take ‘a shower’ first I’m not falling for that one.
Mom: (laughing) That’s not funny.
Me: Then why are you laughing?
Mom: You know your grandfather was in a labor camp for four years?
Me: No, I totally forgot that. I called him last week. He said he likes the Germans, but hates most of his grand kids. He likes me though. I told him he’s my favorite grandfather.
Mom: Your other grandfather isn’t alive.
Me: He doesn’t know that. Did you go to the gym today?
Mom: Danny I have a house to run. I don’t always have time to go to the gym.
Me: You say, ‘a house to run’ like it’s a car dealership. You dust the blinds and maybe mop the kitchen. If you’re that busy why don’t you just do kegels?
Mom: Excuse me?
Me: Kegels. They’re like sit ups for you vagina.
Mom: I know what a kegel is.
Me: Then why don’t you do them? You can do them in the car or in the super market while you buy potatoes.
Mom: Why?
Me: Why what?
Mom: Why didn’t I put you up for adoption?
Me: I wish you did. I’d be living at Angelina Jolie’s house right now eating lobster and taping Brad Pitt shower.
Mom: I’ll email you the recipe for the stuffing tonight.
Me: Cool. Mom?
Mom: So help me if you say something inappropriate and hang up the phone.
Me: I just wanted to say that thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and I really wish you were here.
Mom: Danny that was really–
Me: But it’s probably better you’re not, because I’m going to be popping like 100 bottles and drinking champagne off of my bitches belly buttons.
Mom: I doubt that will be happening. Goodbye.
Me: I love you.
Mom: I love you too.