A lot of people think I’m only interested in comedy when it comes to movies and entertainment. They couldn’t be more wrong. I love movies with purpose. I love movies that make you want to contribute to the greater good of mankind. Movies that inspire you to be a better person. That’s why I just watched one of my favorite inspirational movies ever…Blank Check. It’s the story of a genius bike riding preteen that gets hit by a rich douche bag’s car and in the douche bags attempts at avoiding any confrontation with the law he hands the kid a blank check. Right? I know. A fantastic plot line. Every time I finish watching this cinema classic I know I’m a better person. It has inspired me to do so much. Like today, I’ve walked in front of six cars, three tucks, and a school bus. Both of my arms are broken and I can’t feel anything below my thighs, but I’m not quiting because I know with persistence a rich douche bag will run me over and give me a blank check. And with that check I will be able to buy at least 100 cases of beer…and that right there equals a lot of fun for at least three days.

Under a Car,

Daniel Dickey

Sorry I haven’t blogged in the past few days. I have been so busy skateboarding and building cars (Not true). I have been working everyday so I’ll have enough money to buy a really strong slave (I figure if I’m going to commit to buying a slave, I might as well get a big strong one…And you know they ain’t cheap). Also if you’re a fellow New Yorker make sure you check me out this Friday MCing at The Mean Fiddler on West 47th street. It’s a great place to get overly wasted and do things you’ll regret in the morning, and maybe for the rest of your life.

They say too much of anything, is a bad thing…not true. Have you ever heard of too many Hi Fives…I don’t think so. Hi Five’s are made of magic and with each one you get a little smack of amazing. A good Hi Five can make a fat man dance and a skinny girl strip. A bad Hi Five is impossible. Even if someone misses and smacks the shit out of your face, it’s still a Hi Five…and that my friend is magical.

A lot of people think Hi Fives are just for hands…wrong. You know how many times I’ll Hi Five a girls ass when I’m drunk (Like 6 or 7 times). You can Hi Five an elbow, leg, or even a small Dog. There is even a social interaction site named Hi Five. Why? Dammit, you know why.

With everything amazing that comes with a Hi Five, it’s hard to believe sometimes a Hi Five isn’t the smartest thing to do. How could that be? Isn’t a Hi Five always awesome? Unfortunately no. I had to learn the hard way…many times. These three scenes should help you establish when it is and isn’t appropriate for a Hi Five.

Example: Bad Time To Hi Five

Guy: Hey I just saw your girlfriend making out with some tall ass man.

Other Guy: Huh? What? I love her so much. I was going to marry her. How could she do this? I think I’m going to kill myself.

Guy: Yeah, whatever, she was a slut anyway. Did I tell you I did 140lbs on my triceps today?

Example: Good Time To Hi Five

Tim: Yo Chucky, I got fired from my job today.

Chucky: Whatttt son? That shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Why’d they fire you?

Tim: Because I was Black.

Chucky: You’re not Black. You’re from Pakistan.

Tim: Whatever. Fuck that job. I hated walking Dogs.

Example: You Decide What To Do

Kelly: Wow I just took the wickedest shit in that handicap stall.

Michelle: You know you can get a ticket for that.

Kelly: For taking a wicked shit?

Michelle: No silly. That stall is only for Midgets.

Kelly: Did I ever tell you I fucked a Midget?

Michelle: Really? When?

Kelly: In Brazil. His name was Paco and he had the hairiest wiener. I was high on LSD.

Michelle: That’s bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

Hey There Handsome Lady,

It’s 12:01am on a Thursday night. I’m a little tipsy from a glass and a half of white wine from an amazing Thai restaurant on Bedford ave. Walking home I planned to seduce my beautiful girlfriend, but now that I’m here I think I’m going to fall asleep with my clothes on while she showers. I am fully aware if I don’t wash the gel out of my hair my head will itch all day tomorrow. I’m not washing the gel out of my hair.

If I was ever to get a tattoo in my life I think it would be right now. I’d get a bald Eagle on my dick. Yeah, that would be great.

I cannot type anymore. I’m tired. My head is going to itch all day tomorrow.

Ah,

Daniel Dickey