This was originally posted on craigslist.

Hey there ladies,

Are you looking for love? Are you looking for a guy that can show you a romantic evening out? Are you looking for someone that will say all the right things? If so, you should probably move on to the next personal ad, because there is no chance in hell I will do any of those things.

BUT if you’re looking for a funny guy with a handsome penis, sex swing, and a knack for drinking large amounts of liquor, then baby, I’m your man.

I think it’s first important to let you know what I want in a woman, that way I can get rid of all the ‘wanna beez’ before we start having cyber sex. I’m sure most ladies will agree when I say, the most important thing to keep a relationship going strong is anal sex. I need a woman that knows your butt is not just for making poopie, it’s also for making my fetishes and fantasies come alive. The girl I eventually decide to spend my life with has to understand that it turns me on when she lets me spray mase in her eyes while I climax. I also want to let you girls know I don’t have any specific ‘look’ that I like more than others…but I will not deny the fact that midgets and Native Americans really make my nipples tender. There’s something about little sausage fingers and tepees that really get me giddy (If I ever found a Native American midget…O.M.G. I might collapse). I want to casually date a girl that wants to have a good time, but mostly wants to have sex. Actually sex, whether it be vaginal, oral, or anal (Very important) is the most important thing to me, and I think it should be just as important to you. I’d rather you have a tight tushie than banging boobies, but both will be fine (You will not be disqualified if you don’t have either. Of course though, you must be very rich and willing to buy me really cool shit in order to stay in the running).

Now you want to know a little about me? I think so.

I’m great with kids…not watching them…just making fun of them and calling them names…I’m great with that. I love animals. Well not all animals, just mostly Dinosaurs and Bears…but if I could be an animal I would be a Dragon…a fucking awesome Dragon. I’m 6′3, minus 4 inches. I have a 6 pack, minus the 6. I used to roller blade ALL the time when I was 8. I quit when I was 9 and joined a gang. We sold Flintstone vitamins to elementary school kids and sometimes we had sleepovers. I’m not scared to tell a girl I want her to have my kids, but I’m also totally willing to not pay a fucking dime for child support if she starts acting up. I would never hit you…unless you deserve it. I’ll cook you the best macaroni and cheese you have ever tasted, while I massage your feet and draw fake tattoos on your belly. I don’t mind biting a shaved and bathed Beaver, but won’t come close to a hairy Toad. If you’re wondering about my penis…you couldn’t measure my dick with six rulers (Six very very very very small rulers). Ladies trust me when I say, I’m the olive toned titty connoisseur that you have been looking for.

If you like what you’re hearing, drop me a comment. Maybe we can do a little booty dancing this weekend. I’ll buy you a couple Kettle One and sodas and I’ll kiss on your neck while I squeeze your butt. Hows that sound? Don’t tell me. I know, it sounds sexy as fuck. Challah at me. Lets make some babies.

Cooking you breakfast,

Daniel Dickey