People in New York are fucking insane and I love it.

I had just swiped my monthly metro card and was heading into the entrance for Manhattan bound trains as I pulled out my book and pressed play on my iPod. Not more than ten seconds into the song I noticed a wide bodied, bug eyed, beast of a woman, talking to her hand. She was wearing a University of Miami sweatshirt and though I didn’t understand why at the time, it caused me to take an interest in the conversation she was having with her hand. I muted my iPod, but kept the headphones in my ears in my attempts to be inconspicuous. She was about 30 feet in front of me and her speech was muffled by an MTA announcement, but I could clearly see she was now only speaking to a single finger, who was being addressed as Marvin, and if I heard correctly he was a bagel maker. I heard something like,

• Crazy Bum Lady: Marvin! I’ve told you already, if you don’t make 500 bagels by midnight we’re going to lose all the fuel.

Take a second to think about that. It’s easy to read that statement and think, ‘oh that lady is crazy’…which she is. But think about the level on craziness you must be at in order to say, ‘Marvin! I’ve told you already, if you don’t make 500 bagels by midnight we’re going to lose all the fuel’ to your FINGER. I couldn’t help but laugh when I heard this, and when I did, both her and Marvin glared in my direction. I quickly looked at my feet, but I felt/smelt her coming my way.

• Crazy Bum Lady: Hey you! Give me a dollar.
• Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have a dollar.
• Crazy Bum Lady: (to Marvin) Oh the guy with the fancy shoes doesn’t have a dollar. (to me) I’m late to work and you won’t give me a dollar to get on the subway!
• Me: You’re already past the turnstile. You don’t have to pay to go anywhere else.
• Crazy Bum Lady: (to Marvin) Fancy pants is going to tell me what I need to pay for. (to me) I’m a lady, treat me as such. And if you don’t I’ll scratch you.
• Me: I’d rather you not scratch me. (I pretend to talk to my finger) Marvin why is this lady talking to us?
• Crazy Bum Lady: (to Marvin) What was that? What’s he doing? How do you know him?
• Me: (to my finger) You never told me you knew this lady. Did she come into our bagel shop? (to her) I’m sorry I didn’t know you were a friend of Marvin.
• Crazy Bum Lady: (to Marvin) How do you know him?! Answer me! (to me) Why don’t you piss off you rat bastard (she actually said rat bastard) before I bite you with my foot.
• Me: Ok that sounds good. You have a great day too!

As I walked away…

• Me: Too bad you’re not going to be able to make 500 bagels by midnight!!

I started laughing to myself. Dumb move, this crazy fuck came running at me like a rhino, as she growled like a dog. I burst into a full sprint as she chased after me. Some middle schoolers started cheering and laughing as she barked away. This old bum woman was chasing through the subway! How did this happen?

I knew if she caught me she might kill me, but I couldn’t help but laugh as I ran away from her. It was hilarious. I was running out of space and was considering jumping into the tracks if it meant saying away from this human herpes soar. I had about 30 feet left when I heard the kids quite down. I turned to see why and I saw that she had stopped chasing me and was eating part of a falafel she found in the trash. The middle schoolers were totally entertained as they watched her eat the soggy pita bread falafel. I too began watching her chomp away at the dirty sandwich.

After she licked all of the sauce off of the floor, she got up and walked back the way she came. I was relieved that she totally forgot about about killing me, but was worried that one of the middle schoolers might remind her. I looked across the tracks and saw most of them were too busy gagging to remind her to try to kill me again. What a relief. I hit play on my iPod and opened my book just as the subway pulled up. I was going to be late to work, but I didn’t mind. As I stepped onto the subway I saw a man dressed up as a robot playing the hermonica…another adventure was on its way.

Making bagels,

Daniel Dickey