I wouldn’t say I’m fascinated by Werewolves, it’s more of a sexual obsession, a silly itch that needs to be playfully scratched by their Wolfie claws. My girlish obsession began many moons ago, while Goat herding in the southern most tip of an Ogor’s dick. Our lead Goat, Pancake, had fallen ill the night before. He had a wicked case of mono (Pancake didn’t mind dipping his batter in the dirtiest of Sheep’s. He also had a huge uncircumcised dick, which made it hard for him to walk, as it would always bang against rocks and sharp pieces of gravel). We decided to have our next best leader, Kendall, lead the pack that night. She was faster than all the Goats and we hardly had to feed her (My partners now see why I decided to kidnap that little girl to live a life of Goat herding). The midnight moon guided us through the chilly night, as we sang, danced, and peed all over Kendall. Whenever any of the Goat’s became tired and started to slow down we would kick it in the face with our boots…but even that didn’t stop the spreading sluggishness. After Goat herding for 300 years you learn a thing or two about Goat’s…and something was defiantly wrong with my Goat’s…something weird, very weird.

Many people are misinformed on how a person is turned into a Werewolf. Common myths are, “If you rub too much butter on your genitals when you masturbate”, “If you own any of the ten seasons of Friends on DVD”, or the biggest myth “If you are French”. Though French people smell like soggy, wet Wolves, they are not Werewolves…but they are soggy and wet…very soggy, very wet, very dumb and French. The truth is there is only one way you can be transformed in a Werewolf. A Werewolf must lick the bottoms of both of your feet and then suck your dick for at least six minutes. I know…it’s fucking crazy! Why do you think no one wants to see a Werewolf? I get scared when a fat girl tries sucking my dick, let alone a big gay Wolf! Imagine just chillen at the movies watching The Stepford Wives and all of a sudden a Werewolf is sitting there eating popcorn, trying to fit in. You know he’s just sitting there thinking, “I’m going to lick this niggas feet and then I’ma suck his dick”. You now realize the deep sense of panic on that dark dark night.

The first howl came a couple minutes after twelve. Its deep roar ripped up my spine, and soon I smelt the escaping flatulent that howled its way out of my Horse’s asshole. Bowser was a smelly Horse. Many times after climbing into his flea infested saddle I would throw up all over him, just to deafen the smell of rotting Horse shit that infested most of his fat figure. But soon after the egg odored anal bomb caught the brisk night’s breeze things began to change for the worse.

In the green hills of an Ogor’s dick the shadows are always chasing after you. They watch over you. They comfort you. When those shadows silently turned to figures…deep, black, mysterious figures, I knew the peace was soon to plummet. I had the herd move double time. I was pushing Kendall to her limit, but I didn’t care. If she died she died, I didn’t have time to worry about a kidnapped orphan, we had a Werewolf on our tail.

He first made his presence know as he howled away on a mountain cliff about twenty clicks north of us. Minutes later I realize he wasn’t alone. There were two approaching quickly from the south as the three gained speed from the north. By this time my two partners in the Goat herding business had turned back. They said, “Were not even Goat herders…these dumb Goat’s just keep following us”. I was a die hard Goat herder though. If I was going to die, then so were all of my Goat’s.

I could see that the Wolf would reach us within the minute. My brain was carefully calculating all the possible options. I could kill Kendall as a sign of respect to the Wolves. I could kill all the Goats and then kill Kendall. I could even kill Bowser, the Goat’s, and Kendall…as long as they stayed away from my dick. My time was up, the wild Wolves were there and they had a heavy appetite for feet and dicks. We pushed on stampeding as fast as we could. One by one I watched my Goat’s being ripped from the herd, thrown on their backs, and licked on their feet. I turned my head before those savage wolves laid those Goat dicks on their salivating tongues. Though I looked away, I can still hear the giggling of the Goat’s as those Wolves slobbed on their hairy Goat wieners.

We were loosing numbers quick, and Bowser was starting to slow down. His old fat body couldn’t handle the chase by the young lean Wolves. It was either I died by horse back or I let that pig of a Horse run free as I stayed back to fight. I decided to jump off, but first made sure to break all of Bowser’s legs to insure I had more time to run away. As they pounced on Bowser’s flaccid horse wiener I ran, I ran so fast. There weren’t anymore Goat’s, as they all were already sucked off. I did see a figure next to me though. It was Kendall! She didn’t have a penis and would not be harmed by the Wolves…that lucky little bitch, I could have killed her right there. Then I heard it…Bowser howled as his heavy Horse ejaculate flew out. It was now time for me. I knew I was special, as only the lead Wolf came for me. Would now be my time to stand my ground and fight like a man? No! I pushed Kendall face first in the dirt, hoping it would distract the Wolf. He obviously didn’t have a sense of humor; because he helped her up and apologize for my cruel actions (I should tell you it was funny as hell though! So much dirt got stuck in Kendall’s eyes…it was great they way here eyes were bleeding). Seconds later he caught up to me. I took a swift swing at him with my dagger (Yep, I had a dagger), he laughed and started spitting in his hand to help with the Wolfie blowjob. I tried running again, but he pinned me down on my back. I was helpless. For the first time in my life I was scared. I was so scared. He said he was going to take his time with me. He said he was going to suck the shit out of my dick. I took him as an honest wolf.

His tongue was thick, warm and saturated in Wolfie juices. He teased me, licking my toes as he held my feet together. I gagged at the thought of letting this hairy beast anywhere close to my man parts. I couldn’t let him turn me into a hairy monster destined for a life of feet licking and dick sucking. As he licked the soles of my feet I knew my only choice. I reached for my dagger. Its sharp blade glimmered in the moon light as I held it up. He was done licking my feet and was now moving his way up my manly legs. I closed my eyes, braced my hands tightly against my dagger, and cut my dick off (Looking back I wonder why I didn’t just stab the Werewolf in the head…very stupid on my part). The Wolfs eyes pop as he saw my bleeding penis fall to the ground. I laughed. I had won. I had cut my penis off though.

I tried sowing my penis back on. I tried duck taping it on. I even tried hot gun gluing it back on. It wouldn’t stay and I was now forced to pee through my ass. It also has had a negative affect on my dating life. When I tell women they can only have sex with me in their minds they tend to laugh and call me a “fucking loser”(Though women don’t like this, stuff animals are very open to trying this).

I was adjusting to my new “penisless” life. It was ruff, but I made it work. Then came the first full moon since the night of the Werewolves. I began acting strange. My body was changing. My voice was deeper. My toes were longer. My nipples were wetter. It was then I realized, though the Wolf had not sucked my dick, the licking of my feet had caused half of the process to take place. I was not a full Werewolf, but I was no longer a man. I was similar to a large Cat or small Elk. I was alone. I had not a man to hold me, nor a Wolf to lick my wounds.

The next day I started my journey to find a Werewolf. I would scourer the mountains, search the forest, swim the sea…anything to find a Werewolf and have him suck my dick. I might not want to be a Werewolf, but I defiantly don’t want to be a hairy man freak, forced to mate with house Cats and small Deer. My life has forever changed since that night, but you ask would I change it if I could? No! The look on Kendall’s face as I pushed that little bitch into the dirt was worth every second. I’d fuck a million Deer, happily knowing I was solely responsible for tripping that little orphan Goat herder.

PS: I might not be a Werewolf now, but the day I do become one, beware. HOWL HOWL HOWL (I don’t know how to write out howl phonetically so I wrote Howl instead).

Leave a comment with possible names for this!

Daniel Dickey Dot Com

After eight years of ridiculously embarrassing antics from our C average President I can finally find a penny sized sense of support for him. I’ll briefly explain.

Yesterday while talking some nonsense to the Prime Minister of Iraq, a journalist, Muntadhar al-Zeidi (His friends call him Baby Goat), threw a shoe at our President. Was this an attack of courage? Was this his way of protesting the extreme lack of quality shoes in Iraq? Or did he just think after listening to President Dub-Ya for eight years, that someone needed to hit that fool with a shoe? I’ll let you decide.

You’re still probably wondering where my new found pride for President Dub-Ya came from. It came the second that little Iraq threw his sheep skin shoe at my President for the next 35 days and George Bush ducked that shit like Rocky in the ring. Did you see those reflexes? He was like a cat…one quick pusssy! It even made me question…could Obama ducka shoe like that? Once again I’ll let you decided.

There were paradas in the streets after the incident and Muntadhar al-Zeidi has been hailed as a hero. Showing the sole of your shoe to someone in the Arab world is a sign of extreme disrespect, and throwing your shoes is even worse. Good news is, Muntadhar al-Zeidi was also being tested for alcohol and drugs, and his shoes were being held as evidence (Good thing…we wouldn’t want that shoe to be throw at anyone else).

Overall I hope Muntadhar al-Zeidiius is currently being raped and tortured in a dark isolated American holding cell. Because no matter what an idiot our President is and was, nobody can throw a shoe at him unless their American.

Your Future President,

Daniel Dickey

Check the video.

Myspace is currently running a contest to be in a Judd Apatow movie. Any of my daily readers know of my deep man crush on everything Apatow Productions. You had to explain why you should be in the Judd Apatow movie “Funny People” in under 100 words. This was my 100 words.

6 = Number of times I have swept your hair off a barber shop floor and taped it to my face.

19 = The age I had my Bar Mitzvah (I wished for you when I blew out my candles…make my wish come true).

7 = Hours it took my to glue my ears back on after I cut them off and sent them to you.

11 = Days I’ll wait to kill myself by eating pieces of paper with your name on it…if I’m not picked.

Serious Note: You are the heterosexual crush every man dreams of.

To a girl I once knew…

Close your eyes, put down that steak manwich you were just eating, and get ready for the second biggest boner of your life (the biggest boner will come later…much much later). Let me fondle your fallopian tubes with a story so sexy even I can’t read it till all the witches and goblins have fallen deep deep asleep. A story so spicy, even the darkest Indian can’t drink it down without a glasses of bears milk. A story so erotic that the words all get off as you read them (If your into reach arounds…try reading this backwards).

Imagine soft, almost baby like skin, long long dazzling hair that fly’s and flops as it dances through the wind. Picture big brown, almost puppied, eyes illuminated by the hint of liquid eyeliner painted on its lidz. SOFT tender lips that moisten with each nibble. Tight jeans that ripple up the backside to show each and every God made piece of perfection hidden inside.

Now look in those big eyes, watch them tell you what you have been waiting to hear…”yes” (the lips whisper). Pull them close against your semi erect cock. The hair feels so soft to the touch as you yank against it, shoving your cock deeper and deeper into those lips. Looking down you see the hint of a crack peeking through those jeans. The skin tight t-shirt can no longer hold back the naughty nipples looking for a party…they want to dance. You know when you pull out and cum all over their face you will try your best not to explode on the eye liner that’s dark beauty stretches to extenuate those eyes.

Here’s the twist…You have just gotten your dick sucked by one of the Jonas Brothers…you are gross. (And no not because male on male is disgusting…but because someone else reading this was getting off…And someone else was reading this till they ran out of toilet paper, and they shit all over this. And that is three boys, a Jonas Brother, no cup, and a bunch of shit. And know that is just a gross waste of time if know one is taping.

Dancing,

Daniel Dickey

• Steve: Hey Judd.
• Judd: Hey Steve. I was wondering if maybe I could get you to sign something for me?
• Steve: (Holding up his stubs) Judd I have no hands.
• Judd: HAHA me and Lester tricked you real good!

Another Scene

(Judd waves at Steve with both hands)

• Judd: Hey Steve.
• Steve: Hello Judd.
• Judd: I was wondering if maybe you could sign this book for me?
• Steve: Judd I have no hands.
• Judd: Oh yeah, I’m sure. You could have just said no. You’re the same asshole you were ten years ago.

(Judd walks away smiling. Steve stands there scratching his head. Well, it looks more like he’s just flopping his arm stubs onto the top of his head to relive the itch. He has no success).

Question? Why’d you start wearing those blue socks to bed? I thought the black ones looked great (Probably Leslie’s choice. lol you married a Mann. Get it? Leslie Mann! We have the same humor, I know). While were on the subject of your wife, would you please tell her to STOP locking the sliding glass doors. Getting in through the broken skylight is not only a waste of time, but it’s also terrible on my back. You should of seen me last week (I wish you did). I was in bed all day after climbing through that six times in one night. Question? And you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want (Please do it’s KILLING me). Did you realize I swept up your hair at the salon last time you got your hair cut? I think you did. I glued it to my face. It was like were twins.

A Scene

• Judd You: Hey I’m Judd Apatow
• Judd Me: No, I’m Judd Apatow.
• Judd You: What? Did you glue my hair to your face? Oh my fucking GOD! Holy… what’s wrong with you? You’re nuts. I’m calling the cops you fucking weirdo.
• Judd Me: But Judd, we’re twins (sad face).
  

I wrote a joke for you. What is your favorite section in the grocery store? Produce! LOL LOL!! Get it cause your a Producer! I wish you would cum on my face.

I want you to take this as my official audition to be in your next movie. And Judd I have heard all about the ‘Casting Couch’ and want you to know, what happens on the couch stays in my mouth. Yeah I mean it the dirty way. So dirty. I will personally put this in your mail box now. But first I need to finish eating this bowl of your toenail clippings.

You’re biggest fan/boyfriend,

Lester

Lester your balls are on my chin, I’m not happy ;0(

BIG LOL you’re probably dieing laughing right now. You better be. I’m watching.

PS: If you could leave tonight’s leftovers in the microwave rather than the fridge, I’d really appreciate it. It’s a real pain looking through everything in the fridge. Also I just realized your dog’s name is Lester as well. Which makes me wonder? That bowl of water on the kitchen floor that says ‘Lester’… how will your dog know that you leave that out for me? Just something to think about.