I’ve become addicted to chocolate. I’m not joking. As I write this I’m pouring Hersey’s syrup in my mouth to wash down a Milky Way. This morning I put a Snickers in my omelet. Three nights ago I ate 18 Reese’s peanut butter cups and then passed out from the immense joy it brought. I can’t stop thinking about it. I took the condom out of my wallet and replaced it with a Kit Kat…just-in-case.

See I MCed a party last weekend in Connecticut that was candy themed. I thought, “oh this is great, I’ll steal a bunch of candy and it will last me for the year”. It’s been 8 days and all I have is one bag of M&M minies and six Hersey’s kisses…I stole over 12 pounds of candy. I packed a duffel bag full of chocolates and in the past week I have eaten over a pound of chocolate everyday. I tried weening myself off of it by limiting myself to one Peanut M&M’s every hour. I didn’t work. I’m feining and about to run out of my supply. I’m freaking out. I had my bank account frozen today for fear I’d empty my meager savings for the sweet goodness that is chocolate. My roommate has a jar of Nutella hidden on the top shelf of our kitchen cabinets and after the rest of my stash is gone I’m going after that sweet chocolate spread. If my fingers were made out of chocolate I think I’d eat them.

I’m not sure what to do. It’s 1:16am on Sunday night. I hear the candy calling me. It’s yelling my name. I must answer it’s call.

My Mouth Is Full,

Daniel Dickey