Yesterday I met a marvelously entertaining man in the east village. Shirtless, he was sitting with his hairy back against a small sex shop. From a distance it looked as if he was masturbating, but as I got closer I could see he was just scratching himself in a playful manner. His hair was pushed to the side and his chapped lips where covered in woman’s lipstick. As I got closer he began sucking his fingers and exposing his inner thighs to me. He then said something like, “Hey Spanish kid, I’ll suck your dick for free if you pee all over me”. Though tempting, I polity declined and I continued walking at a faster pace. But even with my attempts at avoiding eye contact I could see that his smile started to sag and he seemed a little offended. Being the sweet soul I am I walked back to the beast of a man and offered to buy him a coffee. To this he spit on his stomach and said, “Do you think you could just buy extra hot coffee and then pour it all over my genitals?”. I paused. What the heck I though. I’m not one to rain on anyone’s parade, no matter how odd and peculiar that parade might be.

Order: One extra hot, extra steamy, black coffee.

Seconds after the last steamy drop dipped on his hairless genitals, he kissed me on the check and thanked me. He asked if I was sure about not wanting a wicked good blowjob, and again I very uncomfortably faked laughed and said, “Ha no, I’m good, thanks though”. He grabbed my ankle as he reached into his dirty tube sock and pulled out a picture. While I stared at the picture confused, he said he was God and if I kept this picture of six months I would turn into a a mythical creature. WOW, that statement struck me immediately. Obviously he wasn’t lying, because only God and my mother know about my inner desire to become a mythical creature. I thanked him and asked what the white cream on the front of it was? He said, “Oh that, that’s nothing, probably some ketchup”. I said, “Oh, um, yeah”. I turned around and walked out of the alley. I then came home and scanned the picture. I love you all.

WARNING: Only hold onto this for six months if you want to become a mythical creature.