I try not to speak on religion, as don’t want to offend anyone and really only care to comment on funny things (religion is much too serious) but GOD damn check out these morons.

Who knew Brit’s could be so funny?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OMG watch this.

Several minutes ago I woke up on my couch, drunk, fully clothed and had a pair of my roommate’s socks on my hands. I’m not sure how or why I was there. As I write this I’m attempting to piece together back my day.

I recall waking up at 10:15am to get ready for my restaurant’s 12pm softball game at Central Park. I then remember thinking, “fuck this stupid game” and went back to sleep. I was up and out of my house at 12:05pm with the same baseball glove I worn during my coveted baseball career (When I was 8, I played three full games on a suburban travel team sponsored my McAurther Dairy, before I told my parents baseball sucked and I wanted to play soccer instead. My father shook his head and called me a faggot under his breath, to which my mother laughed and threw something at me.) Before getting on the train I made a pit stop to the ghetto bodega next store to purchase the finest malt liquor three dollars could buy… Olde English, and on my way out I watched the owner of the store, a seventy year old Puerto Rican man, flirt with a 13 year old retarded girl. I think what he said exactly was, “that’s a nice razor scooter you have. Have you ever showed someone your ‘tetas’ for some free ice cream?” She shook her head no as he pulled out a good humor bar and patted his lap for her to sit. She might be dead.

I strolled onto the field around 12:45pm ready to get drunk and meet some girls without morals. Unfortunately most of  the girls seemed claimed by the guys showing off their big muscles on the softball field. But I wasn’t going to let that hold me back so I did what I do best, I started lying to make myself look better. I went for the gold by walking up to some cute Asian girl and informing her that my dick was as big as a dinosaur. She blinked a couple times before informing me she was one of my corporate bosses. I thought about that before I replied with, “ohhhh in that case, my dick is bigger than a dinosaur.” Maybe I’ll get a raise? I then went after some girl who walked by with legs like Michael Phelps. On a serious note, her tight ass looked like two cantaloupes duct taped together, and I informed her of this when I said,

• Me: Hey you’re ass looks like two cantaloupes duct taped together.
• Her: How is it appropriate to say that to a girl you just met?
• Me: How is it appropriate that you still have your shorts on?
• Her: Excuse me?
• Me: No, excuse me… for not getting you pregnant already. You like cereal?
• Her: What?
• Me: I’m saying, when you wake up at my place in the morning I’m thinking about making you some Honey Bunches of Oats. You down?

She added me on Facebook 30 minutes later.

After that I partially remember walking to a bar on 81st and Amsterdam to play beer pong. I had had nine beers at this point and decided if I didn’t eat a turkey sub I was going to die. So I got up and told everyone I’d be right back, “I was just going outside to pet a dog.” Why I said this, I have no clue, but it made perfect sense at the time. I walked to 77th street before realizing Subway was on 86th. Twenty minutes later I got there, drunk, hungry, and lethargic, and ordered two 12 inch subs. This where everything gets blurry. I know I got on the train at 86th and Broadway, but the next thing I remember I was at 14th street and 6th ave sleeping next to a bum on a bench. When I woke up he had his head on my shoulder and I was attempting to braid his beard hair. At some point we bought and shared an ice cream, licking the same vanilla scoop from the cone, until I told him, “I’d be right back, I was just going outside to pet a dog.”

At some point after that I know I walked onto the l train and pushed a pregnant women to the floor in order to get the last seat. Looking back I obviously regret this, but what the F, I just shared an ice cream with a bum I met on the two train, I clearly wasn’t all there. I was grumpy and desperately needed to get home. Just before I fell asleep in the corner seat I managed to look at the time… it was 6:36pm. I was woken up at my stop by someone I went to college with at 8:53pm.

• Guy I Went To College With: Danny. What are you doing? Why are you holding hands with a bum with braids in his beard (I’m still so drunk. I scratch my head, push him out of my way and don’t remember anything else).

So that’s what I last remember. It’s 1:05am now and I’m wide awake eating a box of Runts while I finish braiding the rest of my new boyfriend’s beard. Holler.

Going Outside To Pet A Dog,

Daniel Dickey

Booty Booty Booty Booty Rockin In A Well,

Daniel Dickey

I’ve just laid in my bathtub for the past two hours trying to figure out whether or not the last six years of my life were a waste. Part of me is still dissecting and analyzing, in great detail, the final episode of season six. Was this a terribly anticlimactic finale with lackluster, if any, answers to the questions that have keep us tuning in week after week like the Tuesday and originally Thursday night lost addicts we are/were… I’m not sure. I’ll watch it again and again and… well, probably 60 times after that. I’m really not sure what I think yet. What about yourself?

You can watch the show’s final episode online here.

Daniel Dickey

So I’m very picky when it comes to dating… hence me being single for over a year now. But after searching all of New York for the perfect girl, I’ve finally found her (It’s such a great feeling). What? Don’t believe me? Here’s a video she just sent me. It proves she loves me, and it’s super cute.

Side Note: She really gets into it at around :52 seconds. Though it looks like she’s having a seizure and is about to die… she’s not… it’s her way of saying, “You My Papi Chulo.”

Daniel Dickey

Yo Ho Ho People,

I’ve been doing a million things in the past week (I haven’t done anything) and have slacked on attempting to make the world chuckle via my blog. Sorry. I’m still here. Still wishing I was holding your pretty face against my warm breast.

This made me laugh.

Daniel Dickey

I’m very thankful my mother is a flight attendant, as it gives me the ability to fly wherever I want at the drop of a dime, and for less than the cab fare to the airport. Therefore whenever I have time off I fly home (South Florida) or to the homes of my various girlfriends across the country (I’m lying, I have no girlfriends across the country, but I do have a bunch of wig salesmen I plan to visit in Iowa). After a long night of drinking on Monday I decided I should fly home Tuesday evening and get some much needed love and care from my mother (again I am lying. I flew home to get a hair cut and start my rogaine treatment).

Since being here I’ve been able to eat several meals a day, as apposed to several meals a week, I’ve been working out in a gym where there’s need to worry about being stabbed over the 40lbs dumbbells, and I’ve had the opportunity to watch the 46in Samsung flat screen TV in my room. Remember I have not had or watched TV since moving to New York, almost two years ago (I do regularly download Lost and The Office and infomercials about growing hair). So turning on my pretty TV for the first time in years has exposed me to an whole new wave of wonderfully terrible programming.

What have I learned after two late night TV binges?

• Unfortunately it wasn’t just rumors, Jersey Shore is actually a show in MTV.
• A girl I used to talk to is on For The Love Of Ray J HAHAHAHA.
• Though I still find her funny, Chelsea Handler’s face is starting to look like a old Louis Vuitton bag.
• Everyone on TV has a full head of hair… except for the criminals and rapist of Cops and 48 hours (looks like my future in show business is going to go exactly like I planned).
• I Shouldn’t Be Alive, on Animal Planet, is my new favorite show.
• Simon Cowell’s man boobs (moobs) have grown to a full B/ small C cup.
• I still get as scared watching X Files now as I did when I was seven.
• Katy Perry is the newest proactive celebrity spokeswoman (I won’t say anything negative because she looks pretty cute in the commercial).
• There’s a new reality show out about midgets who love pitbulls (might consider watching online, as I think there’s a good chance a pitbul might eat one of the midgets).
• Everyone on Keeping up with the Kardashians, except for Kim, looks look a horse… an ugly ugly horse.

I don’t think I’ll be getting cable anytime soon,

Daniel Dickey

So a couple months ago I decided I wanted to brew my own beer. I was pretty gung ho about the idea and even started collecting empty bottles out of the dumpster by my house to bottle the beer. Unfortunately, since I had no idea how to brew my own beer and google searches didn’t reveal too much about brewing beer in a bathtub, I was forced to try my hand at something else. I did the next most likely thing and tried making my own milk. Obviously not my own human milk, but milk from the animal that produces milk, kangaroos. It too didn’t go as expected and I was all out of ideas. Then the most genius idea of all hit me…eat some cookies and take a nap. Both the cookies and the nap were wonderful. The end.

I could have just ended the blog there and gone back to looking at pictures of sea monsters, because I’m much too sick to type right now…but I won’t because I’m thankful to have you here.

Actually no, sorry, I’m sick and am 9 hours into a 12 hour shift at work.

But here’s one of the sea monsters I was looking at.