I’m very thankful my mother is a flight attendant, as it gives me the ability to fly wherever I want at the drop of a dime, and for less than the cab fare to the airport. Therefore whenever I have time off I fly home (South Florida) or to the homes of my various girlfriends across the country (I’m lying, I have no girlfriends across the country, but I do have a bunch of wig salesmen I plan to visit in Iowa). After a long night of drinking on Monday I decided I should fly home Tuesday evening and get some much needed love and care from my mother (again I am lying. I flew home to get a hair cut and start my rogaine treatment).

Since being here I’ve been able to eat several meals a day, as apposed to several meals a week, I’ve been working out in a gym where there’s need to worry about being stabbed over the 40lbs dumbbells, and I’ve had the opportunity to watch the 46in Samsung flat screen TV in my room. Remember I have not had or watched TV since moving to New York, almost two years ago (I do regularly download Lost and The Office and infomercials about growing hair). So turning on my pretty TV for the first time in years has exposed me to an whole new wave of wonderfully terrible programming.

What have I learned after two late night TV binges?

• Unfortunately it wasn’t just rumors, Jersey Shore is actually a show in MTV.
• A girl I used to talk to is on For The Love Of Ray J HAHAHAHA.
• Though I still find her funny, Chelsea Handler’s face is starting to look like a old Louis Vuitton bag.
• Everyone on TV has a full head of hair… except for the criminals and rapist of Cops and 48 hours (looks like my future in show business is going to go exactly like I planned).
• I Shouldn’t Be Alive, on Animal Planet, is my new favorite show.
• Simon Cowell’s man boobs (moobs) have grown to a full B/ small C cup.
• I still get as scared watching X Files now as I did when I was seven.
• Katy Perry is the newest proactive celebrity spokeswoman (I won’t say anything negative because she looks pretty cute in the commercial).
• There’s a new reality show out about midgets who love pitbulls (might consider watching online, as I think there’s a good chance a pitbul might eat one of the midgets).
• Everyone on Keeping up with the Kardashians, except for Kim, looks look a horse… an ugly ugly horse.

I don’t think I’ll be getting cable anytime soon,

Daniel Dickey