• Me: What’s your name?
• Her: Me?
• Me: (pointing to a fat lady throwing up by the pinball machine) No, I was talking to her… but if you really want, I guess you could tell me your name too.
• Her: You sure? I wouldn’t want you’re girlfriend to get jealous (she points at the vomiting pinball lady).
• Me: Na she won’t mind. We’re in an open relationship. She lets me flirt with fine ass chicks like yourself and I let her throw up on stuff.
• Her: I see.
• Me: You know what I see? Your pretty hands haven’t touched your beer in five minutes.
• Her: Because I don’t like how it taste.
• Me: Of course you don’t like how it taste… you let that douche with a tribal tattoo on his arm buy it for you (I point to the guy who bought her the beer. He is jumping around the dance floor like a douche, taking pictures of himself with his iPhone). Why don’t you let me buy you an orange juice and then I’ll fill it up with the bottle of vodka in my bag?
• Her: (shaking her head) You’re bad.
• Me: And you were?
• Her: (grinning) Daniella.

The night only got smoother from there and before long this chick was sitting on my lap laughing, while I threw pretzels at a group of smelly Polish guys. She was my height and had the legs of a volleyball player. I wanted to try and show off by feeling her up in the bar, but all of my friends had already left, as they were all pissed that I convinced this fine piece of woman to rub my leg and drink cheap vodka from my backpack, so I decided to skip the boob grab and, if this girl was drunk enough to let me (I have a big nose and a balding Jew fro, so I’m always confused when a girl is willing to have sex with me) sex her up. After a couple more cups of OJ she asked me where I lived.

• Me: Brookyln.
• Her: L train?
• Me: You know it. You?
• Her: L train.
• Me: Sounds like a party.

We left the bar and started heading for the hipster limousine (the L train). Once on the train we start talking about who’s house we’re going to go to. I told her we couldn’t go to my place because I’m living at a friends house until my million dollar penthouse on Kent Ave. is ready.

• Her: You’re lying.
• Me: Yes I am.

We get off at Lorimer and stumbled back to her place. At this point I’m all about laying her out (I ate a bunch of fruit for lunch so I got a boner hard enough to do pull ups on). I follow her inside, she brings me to her room and tells me she’ll be right back (I’ve come to realize this is normal with women. I assume they’re making sure they’re vag is clean. I only assume this because one time a girl didn’t say, “I’ll be right back” and we went straight into hooking up. Well when her little panties came off and I got a whiff of the rot that was her twat I was forced to hit her in the face with a feathered pillow and walk out of the apartment). I was in my boxers trying on her rain boots when she came out of the bathroom a couple minutes later. She was in a matching bra and thong, holding an industrial sized bottle of Pine-Sol. She didn’t look as innocent as before… she was looking naughty.

• Her: You see this?
• Me: The giant bottle of Pine-Sol?
• Her: I want you to dip your dick in it and use it as lubricant.
• Me: (cannot believe what she just said) Wha… what? I’m all about being clean too, but I ain’t dipping my dick in nothing but cake frosting and your mouth. So chill out with–
• Her: You don’t have a choice. It turns me on. I get off to the smell of it.
• Me: That’s great… after I cum, I’ll mop the floor.
• Her: No! I can’t have an orgasm unless I smell cleaning products.
• Me: Cool. Dip your nose in it while smack your ass, because that is not going on me.
• Her: What about dish detergent? Would you let me sprinkle some dish detergent on your balls (she goes in her night stand and pulls out a box of Palmolive).
• Me: No you can’t sprinkle some dish detergent on my balls. You can put some lotion on them and rub them gently. Maybe let me dangle them in your mouth while–
• Her: What about rubbing alcohol?
• Me: What about it?
• Her: Will you drink it right before you cum?

This chick was nuts. I’m totally up for trying new things sexually, but anyone woman who asks you to put your genitals in a toxic cleaning solution is off the wall. But as you know, I’m not about letting anyone go unhappy… I let her give me head while I sprayed her in the face with Windex. It was cool. I’m going to invite her over on my next day off… gonna fuck her while I clean the bath tub.

Mopping the floor,

Daniel Dickey

• Me: Did you ever think when you met me that one day we’d be laying in your bed, at 4am, naked, while you massaged my balls?
• Her: (Rolling her eyes, as she was enjoying the soft sensual mood) Danny, you’re such an idiot.
• Me: I’m just saying. The first day you saw me did you ever think, “one day I’m going massage that guys balls.”
• Her: No. The first day I met you I thought you were an idiot.
• Me: Then nothings changed… well, except for your warm hands and my smooth balls becoming acquainted.
• Her: Danny we’re about to have sex. Why don’t you try shutting up for a minute.
• Me: A minute? Who do you think I am? I’ll have you know we’re going to be having sex for at least two minutes.

She starts kissing me again and within a minute she begins tickling my handsome testicles. I get bored, flick her nipples and laugh. She tries to ignore this and wraps her legs around me. Before my pener can say hello to poon…

• Me: You going to flip over this time?
• Her: (Sighing in frustration) What?
• Me: I’m saying… you’re going to take it from the back this time. Or you can get on top. But I’m not doing all the work again.
• Her: What are you talking about?
• Me: What am I talking about? Last time you just laid there all comfortable, panting like a Chihuahua trying to cool off, while I was pounding away trying not to pull an calf muscle. It’s your turn to do some of the work.
• Her: I do do some of the work.
• Me: Remembering to take your birth control pills is not work. So I just want you to know before anything starts, half of tonight’s sex I will be laying on my back, hands behind my head, yelling stuff at you.
• Her: What are you going to be yelling?
• Me: I don’t know. Make me a sandwich… get me a Gatorade… give me a pedicure. Whatever I feel like yelling.
• Her: Fine, but the other half you’re going to be on top.
• Me: Deal. But if I pull another muscle you’re going to give me a massage… and not just my balls… a full body massage. My back, my feet, my ears, whatever.

She starts to kiss me again. The hot dog goes in the bun and before any ketchup comes out…

• Me: Remember that first night we hooked up on one of those duck boats in Central Park? Did you think…
• Her: Damn it Danny! Shut upppppppppppp!

Needless to say she’s invited me over to her house a lot more lately,

Daniel Dickey

• Me: Why don’t you leave that here?
• Naked Girl: What… My bra?
• Me: (I point at a hook in my wall holding 20+ bras). Yeah… something to remember you by.
• Naked Girl: (Giggling) Well wasn’t the sex something to remember me by?
• Me: Yeah, but I want something good to remember you by. (Her sleepy eyes shot open) I’m just kidding… I’ll remember the sex too.
• Naked Girl: (Relieved) Ok. (After a moment) Wait… you’ll remember it as something good or something bad?
• Me: (I don’t respond. I just laid there naked, massaging the pouch my testicles call home)
• Naked Girl: Danny last night was good! I… You… We both came, and it was… wow.
• Me: Yeah it was good. I just…
• Naked Girl: You just what?
• Me: I just was really distracted. (She waits for me to say more) I haven’t seen Lost this week and I couldn’t stop thinking about Jack and Sawyer (characters from Lost.. or maybe some hot man meat from the West Village). But it was still really good.
• Naked Girl: Yeah?
• Me: Yeah. (She senses something in my voice) well… I uh… I faked it.
• Naked Girl: Faked what?
• Me: My orgasm. I faked it.
• Naked Girl: But you came all over my tits.
• Me: Yeah, it was fake.
• Naked Girl: (As she hangs her bra with the rest) How could a guy fake it?
• Me: You had your eyes closed… I just threw some milk on you.
• Naked Girl: Oh my.
• Me: Yeah, I do it all the time.

She she left shorty after and I went back to sleep.

I’ll always remember her (B 34 Victoria’s Secret pink polka dot bra).

She was an idiot.

Daniel Dickey

If I had a dollar for every time a girl asked me that I’d have like six dollars. Also, judging by that guys face he didn’t try/do anything worth blogging about (he probably has a blog about taxes). She needs to come hangout at my house… I’ll give her something blog worthy.

The room was large and well decorated, despite a very shitty purple paint job. Her little ugly dog had followed us in and was sitting on one of the pillows licking his tiny dog wiener. She on the other hand was licking her lips as she motioned for me to come lay next to her. Surveying the situation I sat at the edge of the bed. Taking notice she said:

• Her: Why are you sitting on the edge of the bed? Come lay close to me…it’s cold.
• Me: Thing is, if I’m gonna lay in a bed, then I’m gonna have to be doing some fucking.
• Her: And?

I smiled and laid back, pushing the stupid little dog out of my way. She had no idea what she was getting herself into. She wanted to take a ride, but this poon pilot only flys jets…and occasionally when I’m on LSD, spaceships.

Laying back on the comfortable bed, I spread my legs and used both of my middle fingers to point at my package. She giggled and jumped on top of me, attempting to be sexy. Without hesitation she went in for a kiss and I slapped her right in the jaw.

• Her: Oh you wanna get rough, huh?
• Me: I’m down for whatever…just don’t try to kiss me until you’ve brushed your teeth.

Her lips on my neck, she said not to move. I knee’d her in the vagina and pushed her head towards the party in my pants.

• Her: But I want to surprise you.

There would be no surprise…my dick was going to end up in her mouth and then when I decided the time was right, I would clap my hands twice and bend her over. BUT knowing that girls want to feel involved and sexy, I let her lick my nipples and blow hot air on my balls.

After my balls were hella warm, she pinned my hands behind my head and she took off her shirt, revealing monster titties. Admittedly, I didn’t expect her bowling ball boobs to be so nice (I’m not a boob guy, but I was now totally thinking that those would be a great landing area for my jet fuel). She kissed down my stomach until her mouth was pressed against my Hebrew dragon. As I do every time I’m about to let the beast out I yelled:

• Me: ROARRRRRRRRR!!!!

I looked down and watched my dick disappear into her mouth. Not the head, not half of the shaft, she used some sort of magic and made the whole thing disappear. It’s not everyday you meet a chick that knows how to kiss a snake…I was liking this. I actually enjoyed it so much that I started yelling things like, “Oh hot damn girl”, “You so crazy” and “Mother fucker I feel like dancing.” She was definitely paying full fare to ride this plane and I was about to upgrade her to first class…on the house.

After a little while of playing, “where’d my dick go,” she pulled down her pants showing off her gorgeous tush, plumply poking out of her black and pink lace thong. I was naked except for my black dress socks pulled high up to my calves. Taking notice of them, she said:

• Her: Take those off…they’re so not sexy.

My feet were cold and I didn’t give a fuck what she thought was sexy. So when she tried to take them off anyway, I kicked her in the stomach. She fell off the bed and the little bitch dog started barking. I heard her sniffling on the floor.

• Me: Man up baby. I told you not to touch my socks.
• Her: You’re right daddy, I’m sorry.
• Me: Don’t be sorry. Every flight has some turbulence. Just hop up on this bed and make it clap.

I strolled around the room looking for a condom, as she laid on the bed touching herself. She moaned out:

• Her: You don’t need a condom. It feels soooo much better raw.

No shit it feels better. Do you know what doesn’t feel good though? Herpes. Herpes feels like shit and therefore I would be using a condom. (I have made an oath with myself, and I recommend it to all of you, use condoms, unless it’s your girlfriend/boyfriend and you’re 100% sure they don’t have warts on their gentiles.)

Back to the fucking…I was still drunk off the wine and really felt like tearing this little southern belle up. I grabbed her hips and watched it slide in like candy. (It just got sweeter from there.) We were going at it, legs up, legs down, one leg up, one leg down, side ways, upside down, and then I announced, “You shall turn over and put that ass in the air.” She started looking worried.

• Me: Que Pasa Mufasa?
• Her: I’m scared. It’s gonna hurt.
• Me: What you talking about? Flip over and get funky with me.
• Her: It’s so big…I can feel it in my stomach.
• Me: Good. You won’t get hungry afterward.

With my reassuring words she kindly put her face to the pillow and ass in the air. That’s when things started getting fun. There was hair in the air, feet pounding the floor, and fingers in places…well they were in some interesting places. She was covering her mouth, as the noises she was making sounded like an elephant fucking a fat flamingo. She didn’t want the other girls to hear. I explain to her that before I followed her into the room I told them I was going to fuck you and they both needed to decide who was next. She relaxed.

We had been going at it for quite sometime when we paused for a pee break. She peed, I peed, I told her to give me another condom. She pretended like there weren’t anymore. Bitch I’m the king of bullshit, you can’t pull anything past me.

• Me: Ok that’s fine. I’m just going to go have one of the other girls give me head then. It was nice meeting you though.
• Her: (pretending to look somewhere new) Oh look! I just found one! How lucky.

Yeah, lucky you are getting some more of this handsome dick right here. I was back ‘in the zone’…which means I’m an animal. So when her rat dog climbed onto the bed and started fucking my foot, I could care less. The more people I could get off, the better. She had a clapper light and as my balls smacked the bottom of her ass the lights would turn off and on. Someone looking at the window from the outside would think there was a strobe light on. Her nails were digging deep into my back, her dog was licking his cum off my feet, and I was getting ready to let loose. I waited till I felt her ready to squirt and gave her ‘the jackhammer’.

• Her: Oh my God, you have to stop, my pussy is going to explode.
• Me: BOOM mother fucker BOOM.
• Her: AHHH!! I’m cumming!!
• Me: As am I, as am I.

It was some good sex and a good night. BUT I couldn’t sit around and answer her questions like, “Do you even know my name?” and “What are you doing tomorrow?” There were two other drunk girls that I made a promise to. I gave her a hand hug and kissed the dog goodbye. I was on to greater things…a threesome in the kitchen.

Sexing up the world,

Daniel Dickey