• Mom: Danny why does it say you’re teaching yourself to lactate on your Facebook?
• Me: Well… because I’m teaching myself to lactate.
• Mom: You know a lot of our family members are friends with you on Facebook. What are they going to think when they see that?
• Me: They’re going to think, “Wow, Danny’s teaching himself to lactate.”
• Mom:(my mother sighs out loud)
• Me: Mom you’re the one that told me to pursue my dreams.
• Mom: And producing breast milk is your dream?
• Me: One of them. I have other dreams. I want to be the first Asian to walk in space.
• Mom: I’ve told you before, you’re not Asian!
• Me: Way to crush my dreams mom.
• Mom: (again my mother sighs out loud)
• Me: Why should I keep going to the Spanish bodega next door and buying a gallon of milk that expires after two days, when I can drink fresh milk from my nipples.
• Mom: Can we have a normal conversation?
• Me: This is a normal conversation.
• Mom: No. My 23 year old son telling me he wants to drink milk from his nipples is not a normal conversation.
• Me: Fine. Can I ask you something?
• Mom: What?
• Me: Remember when you were pregnant and you had that machine that pumped the milk from your boobs so you could always have fresh nipple milk for the baby?
• Mom: (annoyed) What about it?
• Me: You think you could send that to me? I’ve been shopping around for one, but they’re just too expensive. One lady on Craigslist said she would rent it to–
• Mom: None of my friend’s sons do this stuff.
• Me: That’s because they didn’t have a mother who told them to chase their dreams. They’re going to work for the city cleaning sidewalks and being losers their whole life. I thank you for all of this. When Time magazine interviews me because I’m the first man to lactate and/or the first Asian to walk in space, whichever comes first, I’m going to say it’s all thanks to you.
• Mom: No. I want nothing to do with the idiotic things you do. I told you to be doctor.
• Me: Well I told you, I will be a doctor when there’s one that specializes in kissing beautiful women. That’s it. Nothing else. They come into my office, they kiss me a couple times and feel better than ever before. My mouth is like the fountain of youth for fine ass chicks.
• Mom: What girl is going to kiss a man that produces breast milk?
• Me: I’m ignoring that comment. (after a pause) Ok well, I have to get back to the farm.
• Mom: (very confused) Get back where?
• Me: That’s what I call my kitchen now… it’s where most of the milking goes on.
• Mom: Damnit Danny! (my mother hangs up as I stay on the line laughing)

Later that night I poured milk all over my chest, took a picture and tagged her in it. She deleted me off of Facebook a couple hours later.

Daniel Dickey

So I watched Serendipity yesterday. If you haven’t seen this movie then you obviously have no idea what true love is (my true love = baked goods). It has everything an ideally amazing love story needs, a pretty British girl, witty writing, and the always amazing holiday season. It is one of the movies that you only let yourself watch once every couple of years, in hopes of recapturing the magic that you experience the first time you saw it. Thankfully as I laid in my bed eating cheese ravioli, fish sticks, and lighting vanilla candles I was able to recapture the magic that is Serendipity…so much in fact, that I decided I was going to find that same kind of love before the year is up.

First I went to Bloomingdale’s on 58th street and stood by the Cashmere gloves waiting for a gorgeous woman to grab a pair so I could grab it at the exact same time. This didn’t work so well, as there were plenty of gloves in stock and every time I grabbed the same pair as a beautiful woman and said, “oh man look at that, we grabbed the same pair…I guess it’s fate. Maybe we should both take one of the gloves and get married next year?” They just pushed me out of the way and grabbed another pair. I was asked to leave the store after 40 minutes.

I then walked over to the actual Serendipity ice cream store on 60th and waited for fate and destiny to take its course. Turns out I was destined to show up while it was packed and forced to drink my vanilla milkshake standing by the door. It was 25 degrees last night and I think I caught pneumonia waiting for true love. After three hours I didn’t speak to anyone except a female janitor that told me when she was born she had three feet. I left soon after my conversation with her.

Lastly I decided to look in the front cover of books at every bookstore in the city, hoping to find a name and number to the girl of my dreams. I decided to go with the original Harry Potter book, as he is British and I was hoping for a little Brit. The first 23 books stores all had the book, but none had any names, numbers, or facebook accounts in the front cover. At the 24th everything changed. I opened up the book expecting another blank page, but when I saw a name and number my heart did a somersault in my chest.

It read “Kevin. 212-323-6341. Call when you’re ready” now of course this was tricky, because Kevin is one of those names that can be either a guy or girl. But then it did say “call when you’re ready”…ready for love? Ready for a sexy British girl to sit under my Jewish Christmas tree naked? Yes. Yes I was very ready.

Turns out Kevin was actually a man and he meant ‘call when you’re ready’ as in, ‘call when you’re ready to get your ass kicked in a game of magic and dragons’. And though I fucked him after the game, I was disappointed that he wasn’t a she, and that she wasn’t the girl of my dreams. I’m going to keep looking though. Tonight as I start eating, drinking, and stumbling around Brooklyn and lower Manhattan I will be searching…searching for Serendipity (an unexpected and fortunate discovery). Wish me luck!

Getting ready for a wonderful night with both of my girlfriends (Jt and Tara),

Daniel Dickey

As I shut the door behind me, she climbed onto the bed. The other two girls were still in the kitchen finishing off our third bottle of wine. It was 3 in the morning, I was deep in Brooklyn, and a very drunk girl had just told me I looked tired and should probably accompany her back to her room. (I wasn’t tired… but letting a girl go to her room by herself was not something I was about to let happen.)

The room was large and well decorated, despite a very shitty purple paint job. Her little ugly dog had followed us in and was sitting on one of the pillows licking his tiny dog wiener. She on the other hand was licking her lips as she motioned for me to come lay next to her. Surveying the situation I sat at the edge of the bed. Taking notice she said:

• Her: Why are you sitting on the edge of the bed? Come lay close to me… it’s cold.
• Me: Thing is, if I’m gonna lay in a bed, then I’m gonna have to be doing some fucking.
• Her: And?

I smiled and laid back, pushing the stupid little dog out of my way. She had no idea what she was getting herself into. She wanted to take a ride, but this poon pilot only flys jets… and occasionally when I’m on LSD, spaceships.

Laying back on the comfortable bed, I spread my legs and used both of my middle fingers to point at my package. She giggled and jumped on top of me, attempting to be sexy. Without hesitation she went in for a kiss and I slapped her right in the jaw.

• Her: Oh you wanna get rough, huh?
• Me: I’m down for whatever…just don’t try to kiss me until you’ve brushed your teeth.

Her lips on my neck, she said not to move. I knee’d her in the vagina and pushed her head towards the party in my pants.

• Her: But I want to surprise you.

There would be no surprise… my dick was going to end up in her mouth and then when I decided the time was right, I would clap my hands twice and bend her over. BUT knowing that girls want to feel involved and sexy, I let her lick my nipples and blow hot air on my balls.

After my balls were hella warm, she pinned my hands behind my head and she took off her shirt, revealing monster titties. Admittedly, I didn’t expect her bowling ball boobs to be so nice (I’m not a boob guy, but I was now totally thinking that those would be a great landing area for my jet fuel). She kissed down my stomach until her mouth was pressed against my Hebrew dragon. As I do every time I’m about to let the beast out I yelled:

• Me: ROARRRRRRRRR!!!!

I looked down and watched my dick disappear into her mouth. Not the head, not half of the shaft, she used some sort of magic and made the whole thing disappear. It’s not everyday you meet a chick that knows how to kiss a snake…I was liking this. I actually enjoyed it so much that I started yelling things like, “Oh hot damn girl”, “You so crazy” and “Mother fucker I feel like dancing.” She was definitely paying full fare to ride this plane and I was about to upgrade her to first class…on the house.

After a little while of playing, “where’d my dick go,” she pulled down her pants showing off her gorgeous tush, plumply poking out of her black and pink lace thong. I was naked except for my black dress socks pulled high up to my calves. Taking notice of them, she said:

• Her: Take those off… they’re so not sexy.

My feet were cold and I didn’t give a fuck what she thought was sexy. So when she tried to take them off anyway, I kicked her in the stomach. She fell off the bed and the little bitch dog started barking. I heard her sniffling on the floor.

• Me: Man up baby. I told you not to touch my socks.
• Her: You’re right daddy, I’m sorry.
• Me: Don’t be sorry. Every flight has some turbulence. Just hop up on this bed and make it clap.

I strolled around the room looking for a condom, as she laid on the bed touching herself. She moaned out:

• Her: You don’t need a condom. It feels soooo much better raw.

No shit it feels better. Do you know what doesn’t feel good though? Herpes. Herpes feels like shit and therefore I would be using a condom. (I have made an oath with myself, and I recommend it to all of you, use condoms, unless it’s your girlfriend/boyfriend and you’re 100% sure they don’t have warts on their gentiles.)

Back to the fucking… I was still drunk off the wine and really felt like tearing this little southern belle up. I grabbed her hips and watched it slide in like candy (It just got sweeter from there). We were going at it, legs up, legs down, one leg up, one leg down, side ways, upside down, and then I announced, “You shall turn over and put that ass in the air.” She started looking worried.

• Me: Que Pasa Mufasa?
• Her: I’m scared. It’s gonna hurt.
• Me: What you talking about? Flip over and get funky with me.
• Her: It’s so big… I can feel it in my stomach.
• Me: Good. You won’t get hungry afterward.

With my reassuring words she kindly put her face to the pillow and ass in the air. That’s when things started getting fun. There was hair in the air, feet pounding the floor, and fingers in places… well they were in some interesting places. She was covering her mouth, as the noises she was making sounded like an elephant fucking a flamingo. She didn’t want the other girls to hear. I explain to her that before I followed her into the room I told them I was going to fuck you and they both needed to decide who was next. She relaxed.

We had been going at it for quite sometime when we paused for a pee break. She peed, I peed, I told her to give me another condom. She pretended like there weren’t anymore. She obviously didn’t realize that I’m the king of bullshit and know when a little lady is lying.

• Me: Ok that’s fine. I’m just going to go have one of the other girls give me head then. It was nice meeting you though.
• Her: (pretending to look somewhere new) Oh look! I just found one! How lucky.

Yeah, lucky you are getting some more of this handsome dick right here. I was back ‘in the zone’… which means I’m an animal. So when her rat dog climbed onto the bed and started fucking my foot, I could care less. The more people I could get off, the better. She had a clapper light and as my balls smacked the bottom of her ass the lights would turn off and on. Someone looking at the window from the outside would think there was a strobe light on. Her nails were digging deep into my back, her dog was licking his cum off my feet, and I was getting ready to let loose. I waited till I felt her ready to squirt and gave her ‘the jackhammer’.

• Her: Oh my God, you have to stop, my pussy is going to explode.
• Me: BOOM mother fucker BOOM.
• Her: AHHH!! I’m cumming!!
• Me: As am I, as am I.

It was some good sex and a good night. BUT I couldn’t sit around and answer her questions like, “Do you even know my name?” and “What are you doing tomorrow?” There were two other drunk girls that I made a promise to. I gave her a hand hug and kissed the dog goodbye. I was on to greater things… a threesome in the kitchen.

Sexing up the world,

Daniel Dickey