I wholeheartedly believe there are two kinds of sex. Both of them involve my penis and your vagina in various positions, but my take from personal experiences is, what dictates what kind of sex it is, is based on whether or not there are feelings involved.

Sex without feelings (one night stands, the drunk hook up, friends with benefits) is a party. I have a great time… you have a great time. If I don’t have a great time I won’t invite you over anymore. If you don’t have a great time you probably didn’t have sex with me… but if I didn’t hit it right, I’ll at least tell you some funny jokes and make you an omelet in the morning… though I wouldn’t expect you to call me again.

I’ve had plenty of emotionless sex and it has been a ball! I don’t buy you anything. I don’t know when your birthday is. I could careless what you want to name your kids one day. You just text me when you’re drunk and thinking about wrestling on my Ikea mattress, and I text you when I’m drunk and thinking about doing what bunnies do (just with a little more dirty talk). There is no connection whatsoever (at least for me) with this kind of sex. I don’t even remember some of the names of girls I’ve had sex with. Other girls I can only recall the nicknames I gave them before, during, or after (big titty Bahama girl, club 99 girl, and horny couch girl… can you guess with piece of furniture we had sex on?) Please don’t misjudge me saying I don’t know some girls names as a lame attempt to make myself seem like one mean MacDaddy (I’m Jewish, it’s impossible for us to be too cool, let alone a ‘MacDaddy’), I don’t know their names because there was nothing emotional attaching me to them. There was no mental bond between us. It was purely a physical act and that’s why I have no idea what their names are (I do remember what each of them look like naked… if that counts for anything).

Then there is sex with someone you have feelings for. Once again, I’m still penetrating you, but everything else is completely different. Undoubtedly, the best sex you’ll have happens in this situation… though it can take a little longer to get the mean pipe of the one night stand, as being with someone you are emotionally attached to leads to extreme self-consciousness and prohibits you from completely opening up (pun intended, if you’re a girl). You’re still doing what bunnies do, but after you’re comfortable with the person this has the possibility of being bunny sex, while eating a plate full of carrots. Who doesn’t want to eat a carrot while wrestling with a handsome-ass naked person? I do. I love carrots.

Now if emotional ties are present before sex, there’s a good chance those ties will strengthen during and after… unless of course you come to realize you aren’t sexually compatible. They say sex complicates things… not true. Bad sex complicates things. And if you’re looking to be in a relationship with someone, sex is just as important as personality and oral hygiene. For example, let’s say you’re dating a girl because she’s really pretty to look at and she always smells good, which a great, but she sucks in the sack. Do you know what’s going to happen six months down the line, after you get used to that pretty face and her girlish smells, you’re going to wind up fingering a co-worker at your holiday party. Why? Because you’re tired of the lame truffle shuffle and you want a girl that will punch you square in the face right as you climax. The girl from work… she’ll punch you. The girl at home… she’ll rub your cheeks gently. Who did you finger at the holiday party?

• “Stay cautious of the flood, so I always lay the right pipe.” (Do you know what poet said that? It wasn’t Witman.)

I’m beginning to ramble and my interest in this topic is quickly fading, as the thought/act of making breakfast has begun to take precedence over all others activities. What I will try to sum up in conclusion is, sex can be a dance party or cool spinning classes. Dance parties are great and I suggest you get your ’stretch on’ before showing up, because you’re only there to dance… I don’t want to talk… just wanna tango. Cool spinning classes can be weekly/daily (depends on the girl) sessions where you get a good workout and after you get the hang of it, you can really enjoy the perks of riding ‘that fucking bike’ (pun intended whether you’re a guy or girl. Actually that was not a pun, just a dirty metaphor for sex and spinning).

Blah Blah Blah one night stand are tons of fun, I’ll give it to you good (or I’ll fall asleep), but I think that tantric budda sex happens once you’ve been with someone for sometime and know what makes their whistle blow.

I’ll blow your whistle real good (or I’ll fall asleep),

Daniel Dickey