While working at my wonderful job today, a young, very beaver faced teenager starred at me for what seemed like minutes before he asked if I was on TV. Before I could say yes, he told his friends they owed him $6 because he won the bet. He then tried boosting my self esteem by asking how I went from MTV to working at a ‘gay ass place’ like Planet Hollywood. I didn’t care to answer and only shook my head and pointed to the sky, as if to say, God really has special plans for me. He didn’t care and decided to pop some of the balloons in the restaurant in attempts to amuse his fat little friends.

When he finished, he asked where my girlfriend was. I told him, “in my bed sleeping.” He quickly replied with, “that bitch is hot. I’d like to fuck her.” I told him “me too”, and if he could figure out how to, please give me some pointers. His friends laughed as he tried to think of something else to say. I guessed his little brain was tired because he just popped another balloon. He then looked at me and I gave him a look to signify, you’re not going to say something wittier than me, so stop trying to before I smack the shit out of you. He shut his face and walked about fifty feet away before he yelled out, “I’m going to fuck you girlfriend.” I blew him a kiss…with tongue. He looked confused as he ran away.

In other news, The Jonas Brothers came into Planet Hollywood…those Disney channel twerps didn’t even bother saying thank you after I signed and personally delivered several very sexy nude pictures of myself. Well Nick and Craig (I think that’s his name) didn’t, but the middle one (also known as Ugly Jonas) did give my thigh a stiff pinch as he put the pictures into his jacket pocket…which was thank you enough.

Explaining Why I Didn’t Get A Jonas Brother Autograph For My 12 Year Old Sister,

Daniel Dickey

After a night like last night I’m very thankful to have a place to document the wildness that is my life.

My best friend Jt was DJing at a place called Tequila Ranch at the Hard Rock Casino in Florida. The Hard Rock consist of a huge hotel, casino, and monstrous mega clubs, bars, and restaurants…and being the night before Halloween this place was guaranteed to be packed with costume wearing whores.

We started pregaming at his house around 11:30pm and by 12:00am we were at a gas station buying two OEs (there’s nothing like a 32oz Ole English to make me feel young again). We picked the malt liquor up because it’s always important to walk into any bar/club already buzzed. It gives off the impression that you have already done something cool prior to this place. It’s for alcoholics what showing up late to a party is for socialites. The best way to enter a club is stumbling.

The OEs were long gone as we walked into this huge Mexican ranch mixed with Midwestern cool type bar. They had shot girls with their ass cheeks hanging out, bartenders in wet t -shirts with nipples so hard they could have hung a coat on them, and best of all they had a mechanical bull. I ordered some loaded Coronas and grabbed the mic. There’s nothing like MCing drunk as girls in skirts much too short, jump onto a mechanical bull and laugh as the whole bar stares at their bare asses. It was great. One girl dressed as Dorthy from The Wizard of OZ jumped on the bull and made it very clear by the way she road the bull, that the yellow brick road led right to her vag. After she got her rocks off a cute Spanish girl dressed as a sluttly little bumble bee jumped on it and had me convinced I was going to have her pollinate my flower before the night was up. Then a fat girl got on it and I walked away. I don’t do sloppy.

I need to get ready for tonight so I’ll just leave you with some facts from last night

• I bit the neck of a sexy girl dressed as a belly dancer.
• Jt fell asleep in front of his front door and was woken up at 7am by his dad asking, “what the fuck are you doing?’
• I snuck into a back room at the hotel and stole a box of cheerios.
• Jt peed in in Corona bottle while DJing.
• A girl dressed as a referrer asked me to blow her whistle and I poked her in the eye and said that’s how people get herpes.
• I ate breakfast with a skinny Asian guy dressed as a Trojan warrior.
• I drunk texted my old college professor. This is what it said, “Yo teach. Straight up the kid that sat next to me in your class smelt just like poop. I hope you failed him.”

My costume tonight: Mrs. Doubtfire

Daniel Dickey