So I’m drunk…surprise surprise. Last night I came home to boxes and bags packed to the brim with all of my ex girlfriend’s belongings. I laid in bed for hours. She didn’t come home. I left at 8 in the morning to MC a wedding (Let me tell you how happy I was for them). I got home around 7pm…everything was gone.

It’s funny, I remember how I used to complain that the full size Ikea mattress Stephanie and I would share was much to small for two people. Well I’ll tell you what, last night as I slept in it alone, staring at my half empty closet, I began to realize that without her laying next to me there was much to much room for me to be comfortable. I remember when we first talked about moving to New York together, I was so excited thinking that every night I came home she would be there. I couldn’t wait to wake up next to her everyday. I imagined making her waffles naked while she danced around the house singing Matt Costa songs. I wanted to smell her morning breath and gag at her farts. I wanted to pick out furniture and fight about the color of our sheets. I wanted to be there while she did her hair for our dates and I couldn’t wait till I took off whatever it was she was wearing after we got back. I know everything about her. I know what she dreams of, I know what her deepest secrets are, I know what makes her smile, I know how her heart beats….and she’s no longer in my life.

Five people live in my apartment…excuse me, Stephanie left. Four people live in my apartment and not one of them are here right now. It’s raining and the sky is as grey as could be. It’s completely silent and I’ve been back and forth between crying and laughing. I laugh because I’m thinking of all the great times we shared together. I cry because I never thought they would end. I remember telling one of my roommates that my goals and future was the most important things to me, and no matter what a relationship could only be just as important until I reached and fulfilled them. Well after sitting in a lonely apartment without experiencing the love you desire from another my goals could choke on a cow’s dick, cause all I want is Stephanie back in my life.

I’m going out. Not sure where. Like I am now, I’ll be listening to Brett Dennen in my iPod if you want to join me.

Finding myself,

Daniel Dickey