This is my room. As you can see I haven’t bothered to clean it a couple weeks. Why not? I’ve been way too busy getting ready for the aliens to come back to earth. Aliens coming to earth? Yep, you heard me right. The aliens are coming back any day now. How do I know this? Because there’s this girl at my work who looks exactly like an alien. So much in fact, that the other day I went up to her and asked…

• Me: Hey, when are the aliens coming back for you?
• Alien girl: Excuse me?
• Me: Listen, I know you’re a alien, so cut the shit. When are the aliens coming back for you?
• Alien girl: Any day now. Asshole.
• Me: You think they’ll let me come too? I’ve always wanted to be an alien.
• Alien girl: Fuck off douche bag.

Apparently they don’t teach you manners in outer space. BUT she did say they’ll be coming back any day. Therefore I don’t have time to do things like clean my room and change my socks. I’ve been spending all of my time buying supplies to survive on a spaceship…tin foil, cheese nips, chips and salsa, eggos, pringles, and vodka. Asides from the tin foil needed to make my space suit, I’m only bringing food and drinks essential for my survival in outer space. I don’t wanna end up on spaceship with a bunch of posh, health conscience aliens that are on the Atkins diet, drinking green tea and smoking clove cigarettes and not have a bottle of vodka and some chocolate chip eggos.

I am going to have to sublet my room while I’m cruising around with Luke Skywalker and Captain Kirk, so if you know anyone who wants to live in a fly Broooklyn bachlorpad that needs a little TLC, tell them to holler.