They say meeting a guy over the Internet can be hard… they must have not met you. What started in a M2M chat room for Phoenix singles has lead to a six day paradise. Am I in heaven? Probably (Because you’re an angel). Looking at your shirtless physique I wish I could taste your milk. If MacArthur Dairy decided to start mass producing a milk flavored after your chest and belly I would buy 1000 cartons. Maybe a million. A lot of my friends say you look like a murderer, but I know they’re just jealous. How could you be? Have they looked into those little Hershey eyes? Have they cyber kissed your stubbly dimples? Have they listened to you moan as you comb your hair with a fork?

Staring at this picture I can tell so much about you.

• You obviously love hugging lambs (Is that a rabbit?)
• You also like green and red dragons, like the one on you computer monitor.
• You also like bats, like the one on top of you computer monitor.
• You probably love animals so much!
• You probably have an animal shelter where you save (and/or eat) animals.
• Can someone get me a mop, because I think my heart is melting.

There’s so much to love about you. You ask all the right questions, “Are you parents home right now?” “What does your father smell like?” “If I send you a picture of my dick do you promise not to tell the cops?” You say all the right things, “Surprise! I’m standing outside your window.” “I washed my hair in Pig urine.” “Last night I had a dream I killed you with a bat. The object, not the animal.” How do you know he’s the one? You just do.

I might be getting ahead of myself when I say this, but when I graduate middle school next month I want to run away with you. I’ll knock on the door just like you said, and when your mom opens it, I’ll say I’m one of your friends from school, just like we practiced. Have you ever just laid in the dark staring at the stars? I want to name a star after you. I know my parents will get mad when I leave, but they don’t understand me. They’re just so stupid. First they wouldn’t let me stay out past 11pm even though all my friends could stay out till 12am. Then last week they told me I couldn’t ride my bike without a helmet. They’re the worst parents in the world. No one understands me like you. Remember three days ago when you asked me to send you pictures of me with slippers on? That was so sweet. I even started making a mold of my face with paper mache and newspaper just like you asked. The only thing I don’t understand, why does your doctor need to see pictures of my penis covered in jelly? I know you said I had to send them to you so you could show the doctor and he could make sure I was healthy, but why does your doctor need to make sure I’m healthy? Either way, I’ll take the pictures tonight and mail you the samples of my blood and hair for the doctors.

Thanks for taking good care of me,

Teddy Greenbalt aka Your Teddy Bear ;0)