It’s 6:30 in the morning. Unable to sleep, I reach for my phone and call my mother.

• Mom: (barely enunciating) Hello?
• Me: Mom!
• Mom: Huh?
• Me: Mom wake up!
• Mom: (very groggy) I’m up. What time is it? Is everything ok?
• Me: No. (In a whisper) I’m pregnant.
• Mom: (still might be sleeping) What? What did you say?
• Me: There’s no time for questions, I just wanted to say goodbye. I’m leaving the country.
• Mom: (she has started to wake up and I can hear a slight sense of panic in her voice) Danny, what’s going on?
• Me: It’s too late. I have some money in savings… like ten or twenty dollars. I want you to take it and buy yourself a nice dinner. Maybe do a little shopping at Costco.
• Mom: What are you talking about?
• Me: Mom… I’m pregnant.
• Mom: (suddenly wide awake) Daniel! I I told you to use condoms. You’re such an idiot sometimes, you know that? An idiot! 23 years old and you get someone pregnant. Who is she?
• Me: Mom I didn’t get anyone pregnant… I’m pregnant.
• Mom: What?!
• Me: I’ve been up all night. I feel a baby inside of me. It feels like it’s kicking me in the stomach with roller blades. I think it’s a boy.
• Mom: Danny did you get someone pregnant?
• Me: If by someone you mean someone other than me, then no. If by someone you mean me, then yes, I’m pregnant. I’m going to name him Jerry… after Ben and Jerry’s.
• Mom: It’s probably gas. I told you to stop drinking all night and then binging on fast food. It’s not good for you. Just hold you knees to your chest, that should-
• Me: Mom I’ve been on WebMD since 4:30 this morning, it’s for sure a baby. Either that or I have an ulcer.
• Mom: Well you know I have an ulcer?
• Me: Yes I know. That’s why I’m calling. I wanted to thank you for the terrible genes you have given me. First I start going bald four months ago and now I have an ulcer. You think you could have given me something that would have benefited me in life?
• Mom: I did. I gave you your great looks, sense of humor and smarts.
• Me: I got my sense of humor from dad.
• Mom: Are you nuts? (I let out a loud scream.) What was that? Are you ok?
• Me: Sorry the baby kicked. It doesn’t matter who I got it from, it’s all I have. Smarts aren’t getting me anywhere and once I’m bald whatever looks I might have had will be gone.
• Mom: You’re not going bald. You’re very handsome.
• Me: Everyone’s mother thinks their child is great looking.
• Mom: That’s not true.
• Me: Yes it is. Remember when uncle ***** (you never know who’s reading) sent us *****’s baby pictures? She was beyond ugly. Her head was all lopsided and her eyes looked like they belonged on a spider. Really her whole head looked like a bruised cantaloupe.
• Mom: Sometimes it takes a couple weeks for the head to proportion itself.
• Me: Do you remember what uncle ***** wrote on the back of the picture? “My beautiful angel.” Angel? The kid looked like a little lizard. I threw the picture behind the fridge because I’d get grossed out every time I saw it. If Jerry turns out like that I’ll throw him in the garbage.
• Mom: What time is it?
• Me: It’s one in the afternoon.
• Mom: What are you talking about? The sun isn’t up.
• Me: It’s day light saving.
• Mom: I didn’t get home form the airport till 4:00am this morning. I need to get some-
• Me: That reminds me. I’m flying home next week. Do you think the X-ray machine will hurt Jerry? (I realize my mom will not answer nor respond to anything about my pregnancy. I change the subject slightly.) I’m not shaving my face before I fly home next week.
• Mom: Daniel, shave your face! You look like a bum with that stupid beard.
• Me: No, I’m never shaving it. Maybe if I wasn’t losing all the hair on my head I’d shave… you can thank yourself for that.
• Mom: Hold your knees to you chest and try to go back to sleep.
• Me: Yeah right! Thanks to the ’smarts’ you gave me, I know that’s how you kill a baby. You don’t want me to have this baby because you don’t want to be a grandmother yet. You think it will make you seem old.
• Mom: (I can tell she is smiling as she says this) Why would I look old?… I still have all my hair.
• Me: (This comment has hurt me more than the pregnancy and ulcer combined) You have no heart.
• Mom: Don’t forget who you got your sense of humor from. Shave you face. Go to sleep.

I yelled into the phone as she hung up. I then held my knees to my chest, as a single tear crashed into my hairy cheek. Jerry was gone.

Rest In Peace Little Jerry,

Daniel Dickey

After seeing the popularity of my post, “A conversation with my mother”, I decided to post another one. This took place last night.

Me: Yo mom.
Mom: Yo son.
Me: I need some help with Thanksgiving.
Mom: You need me to send you some turkey recipes?
Me: Na. I need to try and figure out how to convince ‘the girls’ to eat Thanksgiving dinner with me naked.
Mom: Danny, are you still employed? How do you have the time to sit around and think of this stuff?
Me: I’m serious mom. I need something to be thankful for, and what better than naked girls and gravy.
Mom: How about you be thankful that you’re alive and healthy.
Me: Really? If you’re gonna start with that love life stuff I’m going to hang up the phone.
Mom: Did you call me for anything serious.
Me: As if naked girls isn’t something serious! I need you to tell me how to make stuffing.
Mom: Well what kind of stuffing?
Me: The good kind. See this sexy German girl thinks she’s going to make the stuffing and you know how much I love stuffing. So I want to secretly make some stuffing and then just pull that shit out from under the table and be like, “Oh shit! Look what I found. Fuck your stuffing.”
Mom: You’re eating with Germans?!
Me: Just one. But don’t worry; she looks madd Jewish and sexy. Obviously if she tells me I have to take ‘a shower’ first I’m not falling for that one.
Mom: (laughing) That’s not funny.
Me: Then why are you laughing?
Mom: You know your grandfather was in a labor camp for four years?
Me: No, I totally forgot that. I called him last week. He said he likes the Germans, but hates most of his grand kids. He likes me though. I told him he’s my favorite grandfather.
Mom: Your other grandfather isn’t alive.
Me: He doesn’t know that. Did you go to the gym today?
Mom: Danny I have a house to run. I don’t always have time to go to the gym.
Me: You say, ‘a house to run’ like it’s a car dealership. You dust the blinds and maybe mop the kitchen. If you’re that busy why don’t you just do kegels?
Mom: Excuse me?
Me: Kegels. They’re like sit ups for you vagina.
Mom: I know what a kegel is.
Me: Then why don’t you do them? You can do them in the car or in the super market while you buy potatoes.
Mom: Why?
Me: Why what?
Mom: Why didn’t I put you up for adoption?
Me: I wish you did. I’d be living at Angelina Jolie’s house right now eating lobster and taping Brad Pitt shower.
Mom: I’ll email you the recipe for the stuffing tonight.
Me: Cool. Mom?
Mom: So help me if you say something inappropriate and hang up the phone.
Me: I just wanted to say that thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and I really wish you were here.
Mom: Danny that was really–
Me: But it’s probably better you’re not, because I’m going to be popping like 100 bottles and drinking champagne off of my bitches belly buttons.
Mom: I doubt that will be happening. Goodbye.
Me: I love you.
Mom: I love you too.