It’s currently 50 degrees in Brooklyn, New York with a 100 percent chance of getting cold as shit in the coming weeks. Normally (In Florida)Â this would be the full extent of my winter experience, but now that I am a full blow New Yorker, this my friend is just the beginning of the death trap know as winter.
In a odd attempt to stay warm last night, I took a shower with my clothes on. This turned out to be a very stupid idea. As of this morning I have developed sever case of Pneumonia, most defiantly a results of me not changing my clothes after the shower. It pisses me off my roommates aren’t sick as well, I might poison them tonight. But I must admit one upside to having a female roommate is a blow dryer. It works wonders when I want to create a perfectly balance fo-hawk, but it’s true importance is evident with every urination. I know stereotypically men should pee standing up, but after a long day of being semi famous I’m pooped. Therefore sitting down to pee is a great way to not only release toxins from my body, but also helps to get some much needed relaxation. Where does the blow dryer come in? It comes with it’s ferocious firey rays of warmth to heat the seat and insure my buns stay brown and toasty (The average New York toilet seat is 6000 degrees below Fahrenheit from November – March…it’s only October).
Another great way to stay warm is to light your body on fire. Yes, obviously your skin will melt off and you’ll probably die, but I just said it’s a great way to stay warm. If you want to stay warm without dieing I would recommended watching Survivor Man. He teaches you wonderful ways to “Survive” (I once watched a episode where he only ate tin foil for 30 days…Yes, this is very similar to the Nicole Richie diet, just instead of tin foil she ate nothing). But thanks to his episode in the Alaskan wildness I will survive through the winter. Let me explain.
In short, he found the rotting carcass of a Polar Bear. After he cut out most of the maggots and rancid flesh he then crawled inside the body and stayed very very warm. Well I’ll start by saying finding a Polar Bear in New York City can be very difficult. After two weeks the closest thing I found was a gay Leprechaun in the East Village. But with persistent and Nemo my Native Alaskan Bear Tracker/Harlem Crackhead we found one in Gramercy Park. I was hoping he would already be dead, but in a brutal winter it’s kill or be killed. Luckily I came prepared and made biscuits filled with Termite killer (The Termite killer is actually only made for Termites, so after feeding it to the Bear it was a long violent death filled with vomit, huge Polar Bear shit, and his eyes exploded). LOL LOL you should of seen the face of the guy who had to sit next to the dead Polar Bear on the subway. It was so funny the way he kept throwing up whenever a fly would fly out of the bears stomach and onto his face (You had to be there). ALSO they made me pay two fares to get on the subway, which I think is bullshit since the bear was dead (When I brought that dead guy on the train with me I only had to pay once..another way Polar Bears are getting mistreated). Once home it took a while to get the 900 pound bear into my telephone booth sized shower. I know Survivor Man didn’t shower the bear, but I’m not that brutal, and I scrubbed him down with my roommates lufa and body wash. I told her all the blood was just me playing a really sly joke on her. I said it was red jello and she laughed and took a shower with it (She has no idea it was really Bear intestines, LOL what a fool).
After having slept inside the bear for the past 16 days I must admit it is very very warm. On the other hand I’m sharing it with all sorts of bugs and small vermin and they can get a little on my nerves when I’m trying to sleep (Word of advice never share a room with a flesh eating Caterpillar, they play their music at all hours of the night, with no concern for others. It was one of the main reasons why most of the spiders moved out). Was the brutal killing of this endangered Polar Bear essential to keeping me alive during the cold winter months? No, of course not, I could of just used my goose down blanket. Did it make for one hell of a story? Not really, BUT is it going to be funny as fuck when I drap the dead corpse over my body and scare the shit out of children on Halloween? YES, and that makes all the difference.
Daniel Dickey
Half Bear Half Amazing
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WOW this is insane!! I’m dieing rigt now!!
I lived with Polar Bears for six months and I find it hard to believe your killed one with Termite killer.