I’m old. I’m a very old, brittle man. I’m losing hair. I slouch when I walk. I’ve been eating dinner at 4:00pm and I spend most of my time showing my friends pictures of my grandchildren (Obviously I don’t have grandchildren. I just show my friends the pictures of the little kids that come in picture frames. Works every time). Three months ago I realized my hairline was receding. Two weeks ago I found my first grey hair in my left side burn. This morning I bought a Cadillac and a time share in Boca. I’m seeing all the signs that I’m getting older and I’m not too happy about it.
I guess my real issue with aging is that I’m not rich yet. I don’t mind getting old, as long as I’m old and rich (when you’re rich you’ll always feel young because of the teenage girls you pay to feed and massage you). Huge Hefner is like 600, but he feels 15. What’s age when you can drive around in a Ferrari and buy a country filled with little tribesmen? I figure for every million in the bank you feel 3-5 years younger. I want to feel 16 again. That way when Chris Hanson walks out of the kitchen with a bunch of cameras and informs me I am on Dateline: How To Catch A Predator, I can just tell him I’m super rich and am only 16 in money. That works, right?
My other issue with aging has to do with being Jewish. Being Jewish is great. My mother overfeeds me, I have a natural sense of business and comedy, and I’m neurotically neurotic. It’s all gravy…until you’re THIRTY. That’s when it ALL changes.
Jews age worse than anyone. It’s a fact! A thirty year old Jew looks like a 70 year old gentile (Hebrew word for anyone not Jewish). Did you know Woody Allen is only 33? Jerry Seinfeld is only 26. Steven Spielberg is 35. Every seen Carlos Santana? He’s not Jewish. He’s 70 and Spanish, but he looks like a 18 year old Cuban baseball player. Last year I hired a black guy to move furniture from my place. He was the biggest person I’ve ever talked to. When I asked him how long hes been working out he said 50 years. I assumed it was a joke and laughed. He starred at me as he said he was 63. He looked 31(he did later inform me he was in jail for murder for 28 years and thought it helped keep him young…maybe we should just send celebs to jail instead of day spas)? Point is, everyone wonders why Jews have money, it’s because we need it! We’re in the same boat as everyone else until the human clock strikes 30. At that point we better own a restaurant or be CEO of a major financial firm, because if not it’s straight to the old folks home. We have the same shot as everyone else to pick up hot girls when we’re young, but that bank better be fat once we are. Nobody wants to wake up next to a bald, overweight Jew, cracking jokes and eating Matzah…in less they’re in a mansion. Maybe next time you see your Jewish friends picking up pennies you’ll understand why.
Tomorrow is my 23rd birthday. 22 sounds so much better.
I found my second grey hair this morning,
Daniel Dickey
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Great birthday blog. Hella funny!
Dear Daniel,
Today marks a very special occasion on which you turn another year older. I vividly remember you as a young whippersnapper beating up Brett Bauman for no apparent reason, and giggling in the corner as Coach Coleman caressed his side boob. I had no way of knowing this at the time, however these same moments would help to forge a friendship between us that I truly hold in the highest regard even to this very day. Although we don’t speak nearly as much as we once did, I thoroughly enjoy our periodic conversations, as it’s refreshing to see someone willing to do what it takes to chase their dreams and fulfill their aspirations. I wish you a very happy 23rd birthday, and many more to come.
Sincerely,
The Flyest Muslim You Know
PS- You look like a hebrew seagull with a suntan
Satly if only every Muslim could say nice things like that, there would finally be peace between our people.
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, I’m still actively searching for a contraception device that has a picture of the Palestinian flag on it… so that when I fornicate with your women (which happens more often than you probably realize… they perform fellatio like they’re slurping up the last bit of matzah ball soup out of the bowl) I feel like I’m taking some sort of stand against the unfair occupation going on… Of course I’m mostly concerned with reaching climax, but I have to admit, it does help me sleep a tad bit better at night…
HA I love it!
‘A thirty year old Jew looks like a 70 year old gentile’ LOLOL..really?? this whole thing was funny, i lmao, as always…
‘What’s age when you can drive around in a Ferrari and buy a country filled with little tribesmen? I figure for every million in the bank you feel 3-5 years younger. I want to feel 16 again.’-and another one of my fav. lines..you raise some very interesting points in this, great one daniel!! happy anniversary again!!!
ur right.. my bf jewish n 27 he looks 35.. but i love those jews.. theyre so sweet
The site is a great site. I’m happy I found a blog that keeps me laughing. These are for sure signs that you are getting older.
Respectfully,
Angie