It’s a grey day for my aging body.
Two months ago, after days of careful and emotionally painstaking scrutiny, I admitted to myself and those closest around me that I had my first grey hair. It was located on the front left side of my scalp, inches from my forehead and centimeters above my sideburn. Though only a single wave in the thick ocean of my perfectly maintain baby jew fro, when the wave that is this cock sucking grey hair crashes into my young, vibrant black healthy hairs, it causes a rip tide, pulling my youth from my scalp and leaving it a dry beach full of dirty sand and seagull shit.
For weeks with my self esteem at its lowest, I was forced to cover all the mirrors in my apartment with gym towels, as all I saw was a deep sea of grey. I knew my life was coming to an end (First comes grey hair, then a hearing aid, and right after that you die. It says that in the bible). Looking for emotional support I called my mother to tell her of my uninvited frienemy. Unfortunately her response just sent me into a deeper panic. She said something similar to,
“A grey hair! What! I have eight brothers and none of them got grey hairs till they were in their thirties. Have you been eating? You’re not eating! I told you, you need to move home. You’re too skinny, you look like a small girl. You sure it’s not mayonnaise? You were always a messy eater. Make sure it’s not some kind of condiment. Have you been tested for cancer? God forbid, maybe you have cancer. You need to move home. Get on a plane now! I’m hanging up to make you a sandwich. Get to the airport! You want turkey or tuna?”
I then planned to just pull it out, until I read online that it would cause more grey hairs to come in. This could be completely wrong, but nothing was worth the risk of having TWO grey hairs. I decided to just cut it really short and gel all my hair around it to cover it. Nobody can see it anymore…but it’s there. I know it’s there…growing…plotting…being a little prick.
A couple months went by and I was doing a good job forgetting it was even there. Well, until today. What happened today? Oh you know, just noticed a grey hair ON MY CHEST! Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously, you’re just fingering my belly button, right? On my chest! Who gets a grey hair on their body before they turn 70? If looking at Internet porn all day caused grey hairs to sprout, then I would totally understand…but it doesn’t. In a self abusive panic I decided to light the grey chest hair on fire. Of course it hurt and I burnt the crap out of myself, but I did it to let all my other hairs know if they even think of going grey they are going to burn…burn mother fucker, burn.
Sidenote: I’m getting grey hairs on my head and on my body, but thankfully I can still find comfort knowing all of my pubs are still platinum blond. Platinum fucking blond.
Picking out caskets,
Daniel Dickey
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
i beat you…got my first grey hair at 15….BUMMER…hey use some mascara…no one will EVER know.
LOL platinum blond…NICE…and you do know that stressing yourself out over your ex is a sure way to cause grey hairs, right?
what?! I’m continuously sucked into a blog that’s decreasingly funny and now it’s written by an old dude that has a grey ass fro… feck.
Ha!! I’m 23 and found my first grey hair a couple months ago. Naturally, I immediately burst into tears and started cutting myself. I actually tried to pluck it. Instead, the hair broke off about two inches from my scalp and stood straight in the air. But yeah, grey hairs are assholes.
Fucking moron it’s dying… that community college degree obvously doesn’t come in too handy.
MT: hahaha good call.