I hate foreigners. You know when I hate them the most…all the time (Every second of everyday would have been an acceptable answer as well). What causes this deeply in-rooted hate? Maybe it’s the massive load of backhair crawling out of their shirts, looking for eyes to harass (Mostly Italians). Maybe it’s the way they speak to each other in French and think it’s all gravy (Mostly the French). Maybe it’s the way they brush their teeth with sticks (Mostly Africans, and some Iraqis, no nevermind they use baby bones). But I think my hatred for everything foreign began the first time it rained in Time Square.
Their are 2.48 billion umbrellas in Time Square. Do you know how many are operated by foreigners…all of them! I’m talking Russians, Italians, Germans (Though their umbrellas are made from the skin of my ancestors), Africans, and even Alaskans. With every little tinkle from up above these idiots pop out their eye spears and get ready to poke out every eye in New York City. Since moving to New York I have gone blind six times and am 99.9% sure these smelly tourist think just because they don’t know the language they can ram their umbrellas wherever they please and then get out of it by saying “No No Englishâ€. Well enough is enough. During the past week of bad weather I have been working diligently to assemble the most ruthless band of homeless methheads to help me take care of our little “Foreign Relations†problem.
Boy did it rain today…it rained so good. We started on 42nd street. It was me, Black Tuesday (He’s a methhead from Harlem that ain’t scared to bite a dick off), Lil Tuna Face (Straight up his face is made of Tuna Fish. He lost all his skin in a methlab fire back in ‘86), and Felix (He’s just some crazy Vietnam veteran, but he’s great at pretending he’s dead). We were on a non stop manhunt to fuck up some umbrella bearing foreigners. First one we saw as a 4 foot Oriental lady with 5 foot umbrella, boy did we fuck that bitch up. Felix pretended in was dead in the street and when she tried to stop traffic to call for help Black Tuesday straight kicked her in the chest. While she was getting beat down by Black, I stole her umbrella and Tuna Face pissed in her purse.
Next we saw a pushy Pollock just achen for a braken. He was strolling down Broadway with his Polish flag umbrella, when Tuna Face asked him if he could spare some change. While the fat whale was giving him a $50 bill, Black Tuesday started jerking him off (I have no idea why he did this. We specifically told him not to do that!) But either way Felix hit him in the jaw with a fat Kielbasa sausage. That didn’t faze him though, so I had Tuna make a patty with his face and stick it in that fat Pollacks eyes. I bet he’ll use a poncho next time it rains.
Last up we spotted some greasy Greek with his free Olive Garden umbrella. Just by looking at his back hair I knew this was going to be a serious beat down. This time Tuna Face laid on the sidewalk and asked if the greasy Greek could give him one of his bread sticks. Then when that oily fuck went into his bag to give Tuna the meal he bought for his wife, Felix ran up and bit his fucking nose off. No bullshit, he bit the motherfuckers nose off! It ending being a great distraction for me and Black while we shaved his back (We’re going to finish tomorrow it was taking way to long). But he’ll be going back to Greece looking like a shaved cat (They’ll probably kill him for that).
Overall I think foreigners might be a little more considerate when it rains in the city. If not, me and the boys will get them…one rainy day or another.
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This is VERY accuarte. I like how you wrote it.