So screwing with people on Craigslist has been done many time before, but I got bored last week and decided to give it a try.

Can’t bring this with me to Japan

It’s yours for $10.

From: Thomas Foolery
Date: Thu, July 15, 2010 at 9:37pm
To: sale-vss5c-1843786562@craigslist.org
Subject: Your Pot

Of course you can’t bring it back to Japan… because it’s stolen. Did you really think I wasn’t going to track you down? You so messed with the wrong guy. I want it back in three hours or I’m killing your cat.

Thomas

From: sale-vss5c-1843786562@craigslist.org
Date: Fri, July 16, 2010 at 10:04am
To: Thomas Foolery
Subject: Re: Your Pot

What are you talking about? This is my pot that I bought while living in New York. I did not steal your pot.

From: Thomas Foolery
Date: Fri, July 16, 2010 at 10:37am
To: sale-vss5c-1843786562@craigslist.org
Subject: Re: Re: Your Pot

After reading your email I’d like to personally apologize… for thinking a criminal of your caliber would willingly admit to theft. How foolish of me. Though I should let you know, you will be caught. I just tracked your IP address and will be coming to your house this weekend to get my pot back. Sleep well.

Thomas

From: sale-vss5c-1843786562@craigslist.org
Date: Fri, July 16, 2010 at 11:40am
To: Thomas Foolery
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Your Pot

THIS IS MY POT. I BOUGHT THE POT. I DID NOT STEAL THE POT. Don’t you dare come to my house or I’ll call the police.

From: Thomas Foolery
Date: Fri, July 16, 2010 at 12:52pm
To: sale-vss5c-1843786562@craigslist.org
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Pot

I’d love for you to call the police… tell them Tom sent you. If the automated system picks up (ughhhh I hate when the system picks up) you can reference the case number: 42394302-9432+d9390=3… Yes I already filled a police report. In other news, I’m going to kill your cat no matter what.

Thomas

From: sale-vss5c-1843786562@craigslist.org
Date: Fri, July 16, 2010 at 12:59pm
To: Thomas Foolery
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Pot

Do you read what you write to me? I don’t even have a cat.

From: Thomas Foolery
Date: Sat, July 17, 2010 at 9:39am
To: sale-vss5c-1843786562@craigslist.org
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Pot

Well not anymore… You don’t have a cat anymore.

Thomas

From: sale-vss5c-1843786562@craigslist.org
Date: Sat, July 17, 2010 at 1:40pm
To: Thomas Foolery
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Pot

I didn’t steal you pot!!!!!!!!!!! You’re a terrible private detective. Don’t email me again.

From: Thomas Foolery
Date: Mon, July 19, 2010 at 11:12am
To: sale-vss5c-1843786562@craigslist.org
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Pot

I remember when I was young, maybe 8 or 9, and my dad would get drunk, make me cook beef, and would hit me with a bat if there wasn’t enough juice on it. I’m going to kill your cat with that same bat.

Thomas

I’ll give you $6 for the pot. Come on we’re old friends.
From: sale-vss5c-1843786562@craigslist.org
Date: Mon, July 19, 2010 at 7:03pm
To: Thomas Foolery
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Pot

Get some professional help.

From: Thomas Foolery
Date: Mon, July 19, 2010 at 10:52pm
To: sale-vss5c-1843786562@craigslist.org
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Pot

I have. I’ve hired a lawyer and plan to sue you. I’ll see you in court… or maybe in front of your apartment late tonight.

Thomas

From: sale-vss5c-1843786562@craigslist.org
Date: Wed, July 21, 2010 at 8:42am
To: Thomas Foolery
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Pot

The pot is sold. My boyfriend will beat the shit out of you if you come anywhere near my house.

From: Thomas Foolery
Date: Wed, July 21, 2010 at 11:16am
To: sale-vss5c-1843786562@craigslist.org
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Pot

Your boyfriend? Maybe you should have told me you were dating someone before you started leading me on? Hussie.

Thomas

From: Thomas Foolery
Date: Wed, July 21, 2010 at 6:42pm
To: sale-vss5c-1843786562@craigslist.org
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Pot

I’ll give you $8 for the pot. Not a penny more!

Thomas

{ 2 comments }

I want to thank Jezebel for linking to my blog in one of their recent articles. They are one of the most popular sites online and the ‘props’ was much appreciated.

Hello to all my newly acquired readers,

Daniel Dickey

{ 0 comments }

Yesterday I text my roommate to tell her she received a letter in the mail. She tells me to open it and see what it is. I open it…

If you’re having trouble reading the note it says, “I love you Tara. Love, Hugs, Mommy.” If you spent anytime studying during finals week at any college in America then you know those amazing little pills are time released Adderall. I just can’t help but find it hilarious that that note accompanied the Adderall. If only real drug dealers worked the same way…

A scene: Crackhead purchases $5 worth of crack. Crackhead heads to his favorite dumpster. Crackhead smokes crack out of a old coffee mug. Crackhead eats banana peel he finds in garbage. Crackhead sees note (he’s a crackhead so he can’t read, but for the purpose of the scene) the note reads, “I love you crackhead. Love, Hugs, Mommy.”

That’s one good dealer.

Blogging From Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

Daniel Dickey

{ 1 comment }

I met Rihanna last year. That fine piece of a woman asked me where she knew me from… I said, “I don’t know… maybe you were checking me out at Jamba Juice?” She said, “oh snap, I know where it’s from, you were on True Life… I loved that episode!” I giggled and told everyone how wonderfully pleasant she was… that was before I ever saw these… she’s WAYYYYYY more pleasant now.

Just snapping some pics.

Simon says touch your….

Do these invisible pants make my butt look big?

Touching her toes.

Daniel Dickey Dot Com

{ 0 comments }

I just found this in my unpublished blogs. It was from a couple nights ago.

If only there was a way to explain how high I am right now. My whole body is tingling. I feel like I’m sitting in a massage chair at Sharper Image. 30 minutes ago there was a half gallon of ice cream in my freezer… right now there’s a half gallon of ice cream in my stomach. I keep popping in and out of reality. Every ten seconds or so I discover the same thing all over again. Like I have no idea what is going on right now. I’ve been masturbating to a food blog for the past hour. Who would ever think lasagna could look so sexy? There are currently people staying on my couch (when aren’t people staying on my couch?). I don’t want to wake them up for the 6th time, but if I don’t get a hold of some cookies I ultimately risk death. It’s 5:30 in the morning. I just spent the past 10 minutes convinced I was the voice of Jeopardy. I freaking out right now. I should watch a movie. I can’t decide whether to leave my socks on or to take them off. I cant do this anymore. I can’t function. My hands are melting. Oh my God I’m way too high. I feel like if someone were ever to die from marijuana, it would be me… right now. Wow these cookies are so good. I took my socks off. Yeah that’s better. This movie is crazy. Oh, the movie didn’t start yet. Is it normal to go bald at 23? I just forget my name. Like for a second, I didn’t know what my name was. Maybe I should shave my head? Holy shit I have strawberry milk in the fridge. No, my nose is too big to shave my head. Then sun is coming up. Do I work tomorrow? Wait, did I just forget my name again? I put the socks on my hands. I love being this high. Why are the socks on my hands? I just fell asleep for a couple minutes. I hear my roommate having sex in the other room… either that, or she thinks these cookies are really good too. Nope, it’s definitely sex. I need to do my laundry. I love the smell of laundry. Maybe I should eat the detergent? Am I slutty if I like sticking Q-tips really deep in my ears? Wow I don’t know if I said this before, but I’m sooooo high. I need more cookies ASAP.

Just made a cup of strawberry milk,

Daniel Dickey

{ 2 comments }

Since moving to New York I’ve found elation in the ever present opportunities to read. I guess I’ve always had the freedom to find a good book and get frisky, but with a car, the national geographic channel and girls willing to get naked for me, reading some pretty prose was on the bottom of my to-do-list. In the big city I ride the subway, don’t own a TV, and can hardly convince myself to get naked for me, let alone a girl hot enough to get me semi-erect. Therefore I spend my most of my time in transition reading. No I haven’t read Twilight or any other tween scream novel… yet (I say yet, because five years ago I never thought I’d be wearing Uniqlo skinny jeans in Williamsburg, Brooklyn… you never know).

I seem find the most enjoyment in memoirs, humor essays, and well written opinion pieces. In my opinion, the most important thing is that the authors voice is conveyed in a comedic light. Anyone too serious about anything needs to masturbate and buy a dog… there’s just no need not to be smiling. I’ve read some big name authors who couldn’t hold my attention more than a flat butt and backnee and read some no names who had my literature libido dancing like a black girl a prom. I love reading words that covey a message in such a way, whether it comedic, moving, or whatever, that it forces me to stop and reread it, in hopes of gaining the same satisfaction the second time around. And, like my awkward attempts at sex, I’m always happily surprised when it’s even better the second go. If there’s one thing that keeps me connected to finishing my bachelors degree, it’s the opportunity to major in English and maybe read some more notable novels while making my mother’s heart hump her chest knowing the first person to climb out her vag got his college degree.

Wishing I read more as a child,

Daniel Dickey

{ 2 comments }

Talk about turning Jesus on.

Just won this on ebay… can’t wait to starting using it,

Daniel Dickey

{ 0 comments }

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OMG watch this.

{ 0 comments }

So after working an 11 hour shift at work, I decided to pamper myself with Papa John’s pizza, strawberry milk and a movie (I recently hacked my roommate’s netflix account and the opportunity to watch a limitless amount of movies on my laptop has kept me as happy as a pedophile at a summer camp). Unfortunately for me, I watched one of the most terribly tragic and sad movies in modern American cinema… I watched Julie and Julia. Why so sad you ask? Well, asides from the the seven second scene with Amy Adams in underwear, all I could think about was that this little New York blogger got a book deal out of cooking french toast and chicken feet! And though I was pleased/mildly motivated by her success, it caused me to reflect on what my blog has brought me.

The answer: After almost two years of devotion and comedic commitment… One fan from San Fransisco emails me nude pictures of HIMself on a weekly basis (since I can’t afford to lose any readers, I always email back with comments such as, “oh I like what you’ve done with your pubes.” and “wow that tattoo is, um, well, who wouldn’t want a tattoo of Robin Williams on their dick?”). A reader from London donated 65 cents to my paypal account with a attached message that read, “This is worth twice as much in my county, you fat American.” Five weeks ago, as the euro was at it’s lowest point in almost a decade, I returned his 65 cents and asked him, “Hey how much is your 65 cents worth now? Suck on that. Hugs and kisses from a fat American.” And last but surely not least, the New York Police Department threatened to have me put in jail if they see, www.DanielDickey.com <—– Funny, in one more subway station (as I explained to the NYPD, I’m not the one doing, but do appreciate the publicity).

That’s it. No book deal. No write up in the Times. No literary agent. No movie. No groupies. I guess I’ll make some more strawberry milk.

If you enjoy my blog, tell a friend… hopefully one that is in publishing,

Daniel Dickey

{ 8 comments }