My Life In Comedy

I’ve come to notice anyone I’m close with is usually very comfortable and open with me… sometimes a little more open than necessary. I was drawing a six pack on my stomach when I heard my phone ring.

• Me: Yo
• Friend: Yo
• Me: What are you doing?
• Friend: Shaving my dick.
• Me: Oh, I didn’t know you grew hair on your dick.
• Friend: I’m not shaving my actual dick.
• Me: I said, “what are you doing?” you said, “shaving my dick.”, which would lead me to believe you were shaving your little penis.
• Friend: Despite what you keep writing on my facebook wall, I have a nice long penis.
• Me: Oh that’s cool. It must take you a nice long time to shave it then.
• (He doesn’t respond)
• Me: It’s really not that big of a deal. Wolfman grew hair on his dick and girls still liked him… well I think like one fat girl did. I didn’t finish the movie… all that hair really grossed me out.
• Friend: Look, I was shaving my pubes.
• Me: Really? I thought you would keep them. You know, have like a little lion’s mane. I think it would really give you a edge with the ladies.
• Friend: What do you want from me?
• Me: I don’t want anything, you called me. And now that I’m thinking about it, why would you call me while shaving you genitals? Were you trying to masturbate to my voice? Do you want me to moan for you?
• Friend: I’m going to hang up on you.
• Me: (moaning the words) Noooo. Don’t hang up on me. I want to talk to a man with a wild lion’s mane hugging his wiener.
• (He hung up the phone)
• Me: I guess he had to go finish shaving that monster cock… At least that’s what everyone will think when I post this on his facebook.

Update: He deleted it off his Facebook… so being a good friend I posted it on my blog.

Daniel Dickey

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If I had a dollar for every time a girl asked me that I’d have like six dollars. Also, judging by that guys face he didn’t try/do anything worth blogging about (he probably has a blog about taxes). She needs to come hangout at my house… I’ll give her something blog worthy.

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Eyes barely open, I turned my stiff neck in both directions, trying to get a grasp of where I was and maybe some answers as to how I got there. I was in the drivers seat of my father expedition.The air inside the SUV was stale and smelt of potato chips and vodka. My head pounded in pain as I tried to shield my ears from a car alarm barking loudly in the distance. How did I get here? I was in a shared Walmart/Steak n’ Shake parking lot. Judging from the sun and the amount of people out, it was defiantly not early morning. With my aching eyes I searched for water, as any moisture from my mouth was on my shirt in the form of drool. I looked to the passenger seat expecting to see Jt also drunk and covered in drool… he wasn’t there. I pressed my face against the drivers side window, in attempts to see if I had run him over… he wasn’t there either. I let out a drunk growl, “Jayyyyyteeeee”. From behind me I heard a bearish like moan. I turned to see Jt stretched out on the backseat. His shoes were off and he had a stack of newspapers covering his face.

• Me: Yo, how did we get here?
• Jt: (having trouble pulling the newspapers off of his face) Bro, I don’t even know where we are. Where are we?
• Me: In a Walmart parking lot. What do you remember last?
• Jt: I remember getting going to the barber shop and eating that chicken.
• Me: Jt, that was three days ago.
• Jt: Oh. Yeah. I don’t know then. What time is it?
• Me: I can’t find our phones. I think it’s the afternoon though.
• Jt: You were driving you don’t remember how we got here?
• Me: I remember leaving the club, getting in the truck and then pulling over at a gas station so you could throw up.
• Jt: I threw up?
• Me: Ha yeah. I took a bunch of pictures. I might have recorded a video of it.
• Jt: Why is it that whenever you come to Florida or I go to New York this happens?
• Me: I don’t know. It feels like Ron Jeremy is sticking his dick in my brain right now… my head is killing me.
• Jt: You think we’ve been sleeping here for a while?
• Me: Yeah. You wanna eat Steak n’ Shake?
• Jt: Yeah.

We both feel asleep in Steak n’ Shake and I threw up in the bathroom. The next 24 hours were spent recuperating. During my recovery bits and pieces of the night have come back to me.

• Jt shot the owner of a the club for a magazine cover earlier that week and that’s how we got on the list for the grand opening.
• We got all access passes and had all of our bottles comped (I kept telling people I was Carson Daily).
• Our bottle service girl said we had a mutual friend and she reads my blog. I slapped her tush as I said, “you’re a smart smart girl.” She smiled.
• We drank multiple bottles as I invited little ghetto girls up to VIP to dance on the sofa.
• Jt’s phone died and he used my phone to get the numbers of the little ghetto girls (currently saved in my iPhone is, ’sweet pea the MIA dancer’ and ‘Lil Kay dat freak from Philly.’
• I tried to steal some football players bottle of Patron… his posse saw me and almost killed me.
• I poured orange juice on some fat girl that fell asleep on the sofa.
• I laughed the at the fat girl.

That’s all I remember for now. I’m sure more will come back to me in the coming days.

Still dizzy,

Daniel Dickey

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I’m very thankful my mother is a flight attendant, as it gives me the ability to fly wherever I want at the drop of a dime, and for less than the cab fare to the airport. Therefore whenever I have time off I fly home (South Florida) or to the homes of my various girlfriends across the country (I’m lying, I have no girlfriends across the country, but I do have a bunch of wig salesmen I plan to visit in Iowa). After a long night of drinking on Monday I decided I should fly home Tuesday evening and get some much needed love and care from my mother (again I am lying. I flew home to get a hair cut and start my rogaine treatment).

Since being here I’ve been able to eat several meals a day, as apposed to several meals a week, I’ve been working out in a gym where there’s need to worry about being stabbed over the 40lbs dumbbells, and I’ve had the opportunity to watch the 46in Samsung flat screen TV in my room. Remember I have not had or watched TV since moving to New York, almost two years ago (I do regularly download Lost and The Office and infomercials about growing hair). So turning on my pretty TV for the first time in years has exposed me to an whole new wave of wonderfully terrible programming.

What have I learned after two late night TV binges?

• Unfortunately it wasn’t just rumors, Jersey Shore is actually a show in MTV.
• A girl I used to talk to is on For The Love Of Ray J HAHAHAHA.
• Though I still find her funny, Chelsea Handler’s face is starting to look like a old Louis Vuitton bag.
• Everyone on TV has a full head of hair… except for the criminals and rapist of Cops and 48 hours (looks like my future in show business is going to go exactly like I planned).
• I Shouldn’t Be Alive, on Animal Planet, is my new favorite show.
• Simon Cowell’s man boobs (moobs) have grown to a full B/ small C cup.
• I still get as scared watching X Files now as I did when I was seven.
• Katy Perry is the newest proactive celebrity spokeswoman (I won’t say anything negative because she looks pretty cute in the commercial).
• There’s a new reality show out about midgets who love pitbulls (might consider watching online, as I think there’s a good chance a pitbul might eat one of the midgets).
• Everyone on Keeping up with the Kardashians, except for Kim, looks look a horse… an ugly ugly horse.

I don’t think I’ll be getting cable anytime soon,

Daniel Dickey

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

It’s things like this that really make life enjoyable.

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It’s 6:30 in the morning. Unable to sleep, I reach for my phone and call my mother.

• Mom: (barely enunciating) Hello?
• Me: Mom!
• Mom: Huh?
• Me: Mom wake up!
• Mom: (very groggy) I’m up. What time is it? Is everything ok?
• Me: No. (In a whisper) I’m pregnant.
• Mom: (still might be sleeping) What? What did you say?
• Me: There’s no time for questions, I just wanted to say goodbye. I’m leaving the country.
• Mom: (she has started to wake up and I can hear a slight sense of panic in her voice) Danny, what’s going on?
• Me: It’s too late. I have some money in savings… like ten or twenty dollars. I want you to take it and buy yourself a nice dinner. Maybe do a little shopping at Costco.
• Mom: What are you talking about?
• Me: Mom… I’m pregnant.
• Mom: (suddenly wide awake) Daniel! I I told you to use condoms. You’re such an idiot sometimes, you know that? An idiot! 23 years old and you get someone pregnant. Who is she?
• Me: Mom I didn’t get anyone pregnant… I’m pregnant.
• Mom: What?!
• Me: I’ve been up all night. I feel like baby inside of me. It feels like it’s kicking me in the stomach with roller blades. I think it’s a boy.
• Mom: Danny did you get someone pregnant?
• Me: If by someone you mean someone other than me, then no. If by someone you mean me, then yes, I’m pregnant. I’m going to name him Jerry… after Ben and Jerry’s.
• Mom: It’s probably gas. I told you to stop drinking all night and then binging on fast food. It’s not good for you. Just hold you knees to your chest, that should-
• Me: Mom I’ve been on WebMD since 4:30 this morning, it’s for sure a baby. Either that or I have an ulcer.
• Mom: Well you know I have an ulcer?
• Me: Yes I know. That’s why I’m calling. I wanted to thank you for the terrible genes you have given me. First I start going bald four months ago and now I have an ulcer. You think you could have given me something that would have benefited me in life?
• Mom: I did. I gave you your great looks, sense of humor and smarts.
• Me: I got my sense of humor from dad.
• Mom: Are you nuts? (I let out a loud scream.) What was that? Are you ok?
• Me: Sorry the baby kicked. It doesn’t matter who I got it from, it’s all I have. Smarts aren’t getting me anywhere and once I’m bald whatever looks I might have had will be gone.
• Mom: You’re not going bald. You’re very handsome.
• Me: Everyone’s mother thinks their child is great looking.
• Mom: That’s not true.
• Me: Yes it is. Remember when uncle ***** (you never know who’s reading) sent us *****’s baby pictures? She was beyond ugly. Her head was all lopsided and her eyes looked like they belonged on a spider. Really her whole head looked like a bruised cantaloupe.
• Mom: Sometimes it takes a couple weeks for the head to proportion itself.
• Me: Do you remember what uncle ***** wrote on the back of the picture? “My beautiful angel.” Angel? The kid looked like a little lizard. I threw the picture behind the fridge because I’d get grossed out every time I saw it. If Jerry turns out like that I’ll throw him in the garbage.
• Mom: What time is it?
• Me: It’s one in the afternoon.
• Mom: What are you talking about? The sun isn’t up.
• Me: It’s day light saving.
• Mom: I didn’t get home form the airport till 4:00am this morning. I need to get some-
• Me: That reminds me. I’m flying home next week. Do you think the X-ray machine will hurt Jerry? (I realize my mom will not answer nor respond to anything about my pregnancy. I change the subject slightly.) I’m not shaving my face before I fly home next week.
• Mom: Daniel, shave your face! You look like a bum with that stupid beard.
• Me: No, I’m never shaving it. Maybe if I wasn’t losing all the hair on my head I’d shave… you can thank yourself for that.
• Mom: Hold your knees to you chest and try to go back to sleep.
• Me: Yeah right! Thanks to the ’smarts’ you gave me, I know that’s how you kill a baby. You don’t want me to have this baby because you don’t want to be a grandmother yet. You think it will make you seem old.
• Mom: (I can tell she is smiling as she says this) Why would I look old?… I still have all my hair.
• Me: (This comment has hurt me more than the pregnancy and ulcer combined) You have no heart.
• Mom: Don’t forget who you got your sense of humor from. Shave you face. Go to sleep.

I yelled into the phone as she hung up. I then held my knees to my chest, as a single tear crashed into my hairy cheek. Jerry was gone.

Rest In Peace Little Jerry,

Daniel Dickey

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WHAT WHAT!

I haven’t blogged a lot this week…I’ve been soooo busy hanging out with my friends (Vodka, Imported Beer, and some fine ass French girl). So I figured I better say hello now, as I don’t know if I’ll be able to stand, let alone type for the next 72 hours (OPEN BAR!!!!!!!!!!!)

I’ve also been slacking on my blogage because I’ve been busy making a website for a friend. I’ll preface it by saying she’s one of those friends that has a quick sense of wit and continually says and does things to make you look like an idiot, which then causes you to want to punch her in her double chin. This is me punching her in the double chin via buying her domain name and putting her face on the bodies of various animals.

www.KerryDeitrick.com

Have a good weekend and do your best to avoid penis piercings,

Daniel Dickey

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I wrote a couple different responses back to this, but ended up deleting them all. There is nothing I could say that could top this.

Note: His profile said he is a Junior at Colorado State…nothing like a college education to get you prepared for life.

Wishing I had semen that potent,

Daniel Dickey

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When I moved to New York I decided I no longer wanted a TV. (I had no money to buy a TV or pay for cable, hence me deciding I no longer wanted a TV.) It has helped to keep my brain away from the rot that is poor programing and over publicized celebrity gossip, but it also hinders me from keeping up to date with global news. While reading the paper this morning, (I sound really old saying that.) I stumbled across some news that will prove very vital to my career. I learned about the late night feud going on between Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien. If you’re not familiar with the situation, Jay is renigging and wants his show back. Conan, as would anyone else, said eat this big dick sandwich right here and shut it ho. What does it mean for the world? It means Jay is getting his show back and Conan is leaving the station…leaving the Late Late Show wide open.

NBC you can take this as my official request to be considered as the next host of the Late Late Show. You’re first thoughts must be, “Who the hell is this bearded boy and why is he marching around our studio with a ‘Daniel Dickey Shits On Jimmy Falon’ sign?” Well this bearded boy happens to be your best shot at gaining the ratings your looking for. How do I know that? I have a beard…people with beards (Abraham Lincoln, Sigmund Freud, Rosie O’Donald) are geniuses! I’m also consistently funny some of the time, and will be able to bring a ton of innovative ideas to late night programming.

• Instead of telling jokes to start of the show, I’m going to rap…doesn’t matter about what (monkeys, staplers, build a bears, whatever).
• At the end of every show we kill one audience member. (This way people will always watch till the end. It also gives the audience a chance to really get involved).
• Whenever a celebrity starts acting like a douche bag (Joaquin Phoenix, Tila Tequila, Regis Philbin) I will punch them in the face. (I’m going to punch Regis Philbim either way.)
• Tuesday night booty dance contest. (I don’t think I have to explain how cool this will be. If it goes as well as I think it will, we might even have one for girls too!)
• I’m going to find that black guy from Reading Rainbow and make him my Co-Host (I might even make Reading Rainbow’s theme music the theme music for my show.)
• Theme days. Once a month anyone who comes on the show has to be dressed up in that theme. (First theme? A funeral. I know that doesn’t seem that funny at the moment, but when that night comes around and my first guest asks why the theme is a funeral…I will say, “Cause our ratings are fucking killing David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and that Scottish guy.)

That’s it for now…wouldn’t want to give all my secrets away.

NBC feel free to fax my agent your offer. (I currently don’t have an agent or a fax machine…so you can just email me or like send me a text).

Finding That Reading Rainbow Man,

Daniel Dickey

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