Dear Diary,
Today I killed a lizard. Just kidding, I love lizards, but I bet I tricked you real good though.
I decided to watch one of the republican speeches the other day. Senator John McCain happened to be the one throwing up lies that evening and I was interested in hearing the verbal vomit he spewed. Admittedly, it was nice to see the old senile man, trying to convince the American people to trust him as a person and get this, as a future President. I know I’m thinking the same thing… wow he is old as fuck. And fuck is like 500 years old.
I did try my best to listen intently while the news station switched between shots of him, pictures of very American monuments, and some pitbull with lipstick. I couldn’t help but notice he used the word change at least 10 times. I wondered was this is way of addressing the popular phrase Barack Obama has in-rooted in his followers minds or was he referring to his depends diapers? I’m sure those must be changed at least once or twice an hour (when your as old as fuck, usually the poop just leaks out of your bum… his bum is definitely a leaky one). I cannot deny that he captured me with that hair of his, or whats left of it. It was combed so nicely, he almost looked like a grandfather (opposed to an old Alien).
During the verbal herpes he made mention he was prisoner of war. Well so was I! He was a prisoner for a couple months, while in Vietnam. I have been a prisoner for eight years! For eight years I have been wrongfully imprisoned by the idiotic wrong doings and moronic mishaps of President George ‘Dub-Ya’ Bush. That being said, the only possible bright side of John McCain is that his term would only run 3-6 months. At least that’s what doctors are giving him.
Another MAJOR issue, his wife is way too hot to be the first lady. Shes like 30 years old and looking crazy sexy. What relations would we have with other countries when they’re all trying to bang the presidents wife? Yes oil prices would go down if we pimped her out to the Arabs, but won’t they just raise them back up when we send her to Georgia to help them forget Russia is going to kill them all? Yes Dub-Ya’s wife and mother (both at one point First Ladies) are ugly as shit and when I say ugly as shit I mean their faces look like they were made from a sheep skin lamp shade and pieces of pig feet. BUT what foreign leader is jealous of that? NONE! They all feel much better about the 12 year old sex slaves they have and in turn are much less likely to have their citizens blow up our homes.
In conclusion, John McCain is old as fuck and could be dead before I post this. Barack Obama isn’t all that great, but he’s handsome. And am I wrong or doesn’t it say in our constitution, “If thou is handsome, thou shall prosper over ugly?” I’ll be voting for Mr. Pretty Pants because I trust he will benefit the American people more than Mr. Poopy Pants. That’s my view on the 2008 election and I probably won’t talk politics until 2036 when I will run for President. Yes I just said it. I will be running for President of The United States of America. Who’s going to be my Vice President? 136 year old John McCain (I need to attract the white voters).
Your Future American President,
Daniel Dickey
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