When I decided to leave the comforts of home I quickly realized many of the benefits of living with my parents would disappear as I stepped on a plane headed for New York City (Example: breakfast, lunch, and dinner). I didn’t take into account all the other everyday necessities that must be purchased when living on our own (Example: chairs, toaster, ice cube trays). Even though all of the furniture and hair brushes in my house have been found on the street, somewhat disinfected, and used like it was brand new…there still were many other importance purchases to be made.
Being an aspiring writer I knew buying a printer would be a top priority. Due to my strong hate for Dell caused by my Inspiron 6000, I would not defiantly not be buying one of their shithead printers (Read – http://danieldickey.com/?p=63). Seeing Mac’s are only compatible with Mac’s, I would not be buying a Mac…I also could and can not afford anything that is sold in a Apple store (Just the little white iPod headphones are like $700). So I decided to go with another reputable brand, HP. Hewlett Packard has been in the game for a while. They are trusted, they are respected, and they make great products…right? I assumed so as I read my credit card number to a Malaysian HP sales associate that tried to convince me he was based out of Texas.
I bought a HP Photosmart C4480. It’s an all in one printer, scanner, and copier. It had a sleek white design (Nice and tight in all the right places). With it’s three different functions I could print my plays, copy my resume, and scan my balls…everything I was looking for in a printer. We worked great together at first. Within weeks I had a thousand copy’s of my plays, a million copy’s of my resume, and had scanned enough pictures of my balls to cover the entire refrigerator. It was everything I dreamed it would be…until the ink ran out.
Normally when my printer ink runs out I order refill ink and fill it myself. It’s half the price of buying a new cartridge and has three times as much ink. Great thinking, I know. But this is where this wonderful printer turns into the child molesting scumbag it’s been all along. The photo’Smart’ knows when the ink is done in the cartridge and once that cartridge is empty it will no longer be read by the printer. This makes no sense. Why would they do this? Because the only way to get more ink is to buy a cartridge directly from HP. You cannot refill the cartridge, you can not buy a generic cartridge, you can only buy one directly from them. Let me tell you something Hewlett Packard, you are a little sissy bitch. If I ever catch you within punching distance I’m going to walk up to you and scratch you right in the face. Matter of fact I’m also going to pinch you. Yep. I’m going to pinch the shit out of you. If I ever see you I’m going to scratch you in your face and pinch the shit out of you.
Hewlett Packard…your loser name obviously reflects the years of torment you endured growing up because you smelt and couldn’t grow a mustache till you were 37. Judging by your spiteful printer designs I assume it’s your way off counteracting the torment and bullying you received as a preteen because of your lack of height and personal hygiene. If I saw you jump roping on the edge of a cliff and you happened to slip of, I would casually walk to the edge to see what you look like dead, AND if I happened see you using your jump rope to hang from a single tree limb, clinging to it in hopes of saving your shameful life, I would stand over you and spit in your eyes. Did you hear me Hewlett? As you gripped a pink jump rope, tangled around a small tree, hanging off a cliff, begging for my help, I would spit in your eyes. And I wouldn’t spit at you, I would let the spit slowly drip out of my mouth so it was obvious to you that I was letting spit fall out of my mouth to hit you in the face. Sometimes just as the spit looked like it would break it’s hold from my mouth and fall into your cold eyes, I would quickly suck it back up just to toy with you. I hate your photosmart printer and I will be putting a curse on your family as soon as I’m done blogging. If you were a piece of wood I would light you on fire and pee on you. If you we a very handsome statue, I would not buy you and put you in my garden. Speaking of gardens…is that sales office really in Texas? If so, I like 8% of the population, is unemployeed and was wondering if you were hiring? I’m great with kids and know how to close a deal.
Fuck you Hewlett Packard,
Daniel Dickey
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I’ll never use my HP now that I know you hate it. I support DD way before I support HP.
Oh yeah….spitting in his eyes….BIG BIG BIG LOL.