So I’m out last night on 16th street, doing what I do best, drinking beer and getting sloppy. After my fifth or sixth Bass Ale I start talking shit to one of the girls at our table. I don’t really know her, she’s a friend of a friend… but I’m drunk and have the beer confidence to see what this tall brunette was all about.
- Me: What’s your name?
- Her: Me?
- Me: (pointing to a fat lady throwing up by the pinball machine) No, I was talking to her… but if you really want, I guess you could tell me your name too.
- Her: You sure? I wouldn’t want you’re girlfriend to get jealous (she points at the vomiting pinball lady).
- Me: Na she won’t mind. We’re in an open relationship. She lets me flirt with fine ass chicks like you and I let her throw up on stuff.
- Her: I see.
- Me: You know what I see? Your pretty hands haven’t touched your beer in five minutes.
- Her: Because I don’t like how it taste.
- Me: Of course you don’t like how it taste… you let that douche with a tribal tattoo on his arm buy it for you (I point to the guy who bought her the beer. He is jumping around the dance floor like a douche, taking pictures of himself with his iPhone). Why don’t you let me buy you an orange juice and then I’ll fill it up with the bottle of vodka in my bag?
- Her: (shaking her head) You’re bad.
- Me: And you were?
- Her: (grinning) Daniella.
The night only got smoother from there and before long this chick was sitting on my lap laughing, while I threw pretzels at a group of smelly Polish guys. She was my height and had the legs of a volleyball player. I wanted to try and show off by feeling her up in the bar, but all of my friends had already left, as they were all pissed that I convinced this fine piece of woman to rub my leg and drink cheap vodka from my backpack. So I decided to skip the boob grab, and, if this girl was drunk enough to let me (I have a big nose and a balding Jew fro, so I’m always confused when a girl is willing to have sex with me) sex her up. After a couple more cups of OJ she asked me where I lived.
- Me: Brookyln.
- Her: L train?
- Me: You know it. You?
- Her: L train.
- Me: Sounds like a party.
We left the bar and started heading for the hipster limousine (the L train). Once on the train we start talking about whose house we’re going to go to. I told her we couldn’t go to my place because I’m living at a friends house until my million dollar penthouse on Kent Ave. is ready.
- Her: You’re lying.
- Me: Yes I am.
We get off at Lorimer and stumbled back to her place. At this point I’m all about laying her out (I ate a bunch of fruit for lunch so I got a boner hard enough to do pull ups on). I follow her inside, she brings me to her room and tells me she’ll be right back (I’ve come to realize this is normal with women. I assume they’re making sure they’re vag is clean. I only assume this because one time a girl didn’t say, “I’ll be right back” and we went straight into hooking up. Well, when her little panties came off and I got a whiff of the rot that was her twat I was forced to hit her in the face with a feathered pillow and walk out of the apartment. I was pretty happy Daniella said, “I’ll be right back”). I was in my boxers trying on her rain boots when she came out of the bathroom a couple minutes later. She was in a matching bra and thong, holding an industrial sized bottle of Pine-Sol. She didn’t look as innocent as before… she was looking naughty… I dig naughty.
- Her: You see this?
- Me: The giant bottle of Pine-Sol?
- Her: I want you to dip your dick in it and use it as lubricant.
- Me: (cannot believe what she just said) Wha… what? I’m all about being clean too, but I ain’t dipping my dick in nothing but cake frosting and your mouth. So chill out with–
- Her: You don’t have a choice. It turns me on. I get off to the smell of it.
- Me: That’s great… after I cum, I’ll mop the floor.
- Her: No! I can’t have an orgasm unless I smell cleaning products.
- Me: Cool. Dip your nose in it while smack your ass, because that is not going on me.
- Her: What about dish detergent? Would you let me sprinkle some dish detergent on your balls (she goes into her night stand and pulls out a box of Palmolive).
- Me: No you can’t sprinkle some dish detergent on my balls. You can put some lotion on them and rub them gently. Maybe let me dangle them in your mouth while–
- Her: What about rubbing alcohol?
- Me: What about it?
- Her: Will you drink it right before you cum?
This chick was nuts. Not to be misconstrued, I’m totally up for trying new things sexually, but anyone woman who asks you to put your genitals in a toxic cleaning solution is off the wall. But as you know, I’m not about letting anyone go unhappy… I let her give me head while I sprayed her in the face with Windex. It was cool and my balls got super clean. I’m going to invite her over on my next day off… gonna fuck her while I clean the bath tub.
Mopping the floor,
Daniel Dickey
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Is this for real hhahahah shit man thats a nut
You crack me up!
I literally hurt myself laughing, this is fucking hysterical.
Omg you are too funny i will be paying your blogs a visit every time i wanna laugh hard core….the shit you say is……… crazy but i love it…..
harder, harder, harder…oh you missed a spot.
seriously though its just pinesol is only toxic to cats or something
i think the next time she hits you up you do what she wants you pollywog
p.s. are you really bald?
BULLSHIT! we get it, you read “i hope they serve beer in hell” and decided you wanted to be like Tucker Max. make up some more stories.
@eva: Yes I am bald… bald and fat.
@jay: No I have not read “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell” but am familiar with Tucker Max writing hilarious stories about being a frat boy and fucking dumb blonde chicks. He’s a funny boy. I’ll take the comparison as a compliment.
not a compliment what so ever. I will say you have a great imagination when you make stories up though.
Okay, I’ll take that as a compliment :0)
And do you not think Tucker Max makes up his stories?
He absolutely does
not trying to knock your creativity though, keep on making shit up and getting idiots to laugh! goodluck!
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