Have you ever wanted to light someone on fire? Because as I walked into my bedroom and saw that my girlfriend of two and a half years died her hair black, all I could think was how much I wanted to light her on fire.
For those of you that know my sexy little prom queen, she was born with black hair… this was obviously a big big mistake on God’s part, and he has apologized many times, with hair dye. Thankfully at 18 she took God’s advice and dyed those long strands of ugly black, and turned them into beautiful, radiant, blond pieces of gold (so I could fall in love with her). I know most of you would think I would have fell in love with her even if she had black hair. WRONG! You’re an idiot. I wouldn’t of even looked her way. If she tried talking to me I would of pushed her to the ground and walked away. I might have punched her in the face. Just to prove my claim…
One night, after dating for a year or so, Stephanie and I were talking about the classes we took in high school. For one semester she attended the same high school as me. When I asked her what teachers she had, I was surprised to hear she had the same asshole of a math teacher as me. Interesting I thought. But boy was I even more shocked when we realized we were in the same exact class. Yes, we were in the same exact class. I remember every single person in that class. I remember who sat in what seat. You know what happens when I think of her seat? Nothing. It’s just a blob… a big black haired blob. Truthfully I thought a little Asian boy sat in that seat. I bet if she had blond hair I would have remembered her. I probably would have fucked her. Sucks for her… because I fingered the hottie blond that sat in front of me. It could’ve been her.
Now of course I’m not going to break up with her over this, but I am going to hit her. A broken heart won’t solve a thing… but a broken spine will definitely get my point across. I guess you can call me old school when it comes to my views on ‘abuse’… or so they call it. I look at a good slap to the face the same way I look at a good breakfast; you can get by without it, but having it first thing in the morning really gets you going for the rest of the day. You feel me? Of course.
I will admit one thing, looking at my girlfriends shit stained hair right now really makes me realize how pretty her golden locks used to be. Hopefully a couple good open hand slaps to the jaw will fix that.
Getting my belt,
Daniel Dickey
UPDATE: My girlfriend’s friend read this blog and had the following to say.
And know I’m saying this from the friendliest, most professional standpoint possible…
Suck my dick, you redheaded toad.
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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
hahahahaha Elton John got offended by words. This is too much.
Hum…I’m a girl…with brown hair, and I think it’s pretty obvious that he is being totally sarcastic.
Talk about over analysis!!!! Is this fucking girl serious?
He was pretty pyscho sounding tho with that first blog. Who gives a toss about her hair color? She’s still very pretty and he should be careful about taking his sarcasm too far. I would be hurt if my loved one wrote that; even if it was a joke. Just be careful whay you publish man.
Hey there kt,
I was pretty psycho sounding…you are right. And I could give a ‘toss’ about her hair color, and will always find her pretty. Therefore I am able to write ridiculous blogs about it, because both her and I know all of the blogs are written in character…mostly very odd characters. If my loved one wrote a blog about me, I’d ask for his or her hand in marriage. Why? Because blogging about someone is the best way to show you really care.
Your a fucking idiot omg go fuck urself u fucking asshole really
grow up u fucking son of a bitch
Helena are you a poet? Because your eloquently written comment defiantly makes me wonder (I’m very curious).
Side note: Were you born in the late 1700’s? Because as far as I am aware of nobody has named their child such a loser name since there was still slavery (Still very curious).
your very funny…and very sexy…i want u so bad…..
I have to say that reading this has inspired me to slap my wife around. I feel so envigorated when I backhand her. This has become something I shall do every day for now on! Thanks for your guidance danieldickeydotcom!
has she ever thought about going red? she’d be a pretty hott redhead
ps- you had a google add up there for Moonshadow Salon and I totally used to work there…just thought that was cool
1. I just watched your True Life and Im geeked to see that you guys are still together. Now my friend owes me $5 because she thought you all would have broken up months later. haha suckkaaaaa…
2. This is mu’fuggin hilarious.
3. What the hell is so attractive about blonde hair? I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT! I was discussing this yesterday with some folks and we couldn’t come up with one good reason. Not one.
What a fucking bitch.
i was not offended girlfriend’s friend. i’m sitting lmao actually. maybe something’s wrong with me..
A) You’re pathetic
B) You’re not funny
C) You’re illiterate (A reference to your most recent post)
I nailed her when she “was” a redhead.
Anon…I don’t know what it is, but I have a feeling you smell…like really really bad. Probably like cheese, but it could be spoiled onions. Have you ever thought about killing yourself, because you smell so bad? I’m sure you have. I would if I were you.
A) You smell like cat urine.
B) You’re going to live a really pathetic and unfulfilling life.
C) When I’m successful I’m going to go back, track your ip address, figure out who you are…and then I’m going to fuck everyone in your family. No joke. I’m going to fuck your mother, your sister, your little brother, I’m even going to fuck your dad. Everyone you know (Not a lot…Because you smell like prunes and camel shit) is going to get fucked by me.
BOOOOOMMMM (That was me nutting all over your face)
lol this is great, i don’t know whats funnier, the post or the sympathetic comments!!
You’re blogs are great. Anyone who doesn’t get the humor is an idiot. . . . .or they have absolutely NO personality.
this is hilarious..Its funny how ppl some how get offended when this has absolutely nothing to do with their lives..Keep doin wat u do because its funny as hell
The relationship with this newly discovered blog was going so well. I have managed to be completely distracted from everything else going on in my life for the last 15 minutes. Until I read your response to ‘kt’. Weak. So disappointed. Want to break up. Fortunately, kept scrolling down the response to ‘Anon’. Totally redeemed yourself. Woo! Want more.
haha if you know danny at all this is hilarious.
You’re not funny.
She looks better with dark hair.
Now we know why she broke up with your lame ass
This guy is freaking hilarious! Obviously, it was just humor. Get over yourself. By the way, I’m pretty sure that’s not the reason why they broke up…then she would be the lame one to break up with him for that reason. Anyways, keep up with the blogs, they’re totally entertaining!
LOL thank you Christine! This was not the reason for our break up, she didn’t mind this post at all. We broke up because she wanted to date older rich men who’s body resembles that of a small skunk or gay panther.
What in the world, date older “rich” men? That doesn’t even exist anymore nowadays..
especially in this economy.
Stephanie and I had a wonderfully successful relationship. Our time together was truly treasured by the both of us and for 2 and 1/2 years we never fought or argued…we were too busy laughing. We had/have a bond that like no other. Unfortunately during a hectic time of distance we endured the first lows of our relationship and split. What is meant to be will be. We shall see where life takes us.
your very funny, and articulate. Congratulations on making it big one day.. good writings take criticism. I do not know why though…how people consider you “sexy”? To me you are an individual who writes profoundly, and exceedingly great. The looks….not so much. Stop being so high of yourself. Your work might be staggering but your personality as a human being? I would give that a second thought. You seem like the type who never admits when he’s wrong. Oh and Stephanie’s friend was just trying to stand up for stephanie..as ridiculous as she may have sounded she was only trying to be nice…it wasn’t supposed to be funny or posted on your semi-successful blog.
Lauren,
Thank your for enjoying my writing. I’m fine with you not finding me “sexy”…I don’t know if I am the sexy type…I do have great looking feet though…if your into that?
On the contrary I often admit when I’m wrong, as I was probably wrong to write this blog in the first place, because the new hair was still a sensitive subject to my then girlfriend. But you live and you learn.
As for her friend, she can still suck a dick…though that dick would now be covered with herpes…as I recently heard her life of loose legs and an open ass have caught up to her.
She looks like Brittany Murphy with the black hair.
i know how this guy feels. my girlfriend just dyed her hair back blonde when she was looking bangin with brown hair. usually i love blondes but she looks horrible as a natural blonde. brown hair looks so good on her but she goes and dyes it back blonde. i wish i knew how to hint to her to dye it back.
@ BD… Lol. As you can see I was raped for stating my opinion. My advice… tell her it’s beautiful and forget that brown ever existed.