What is a roommate? Someone who eats your last pop tart when you’re at work? Someone to flirt with your girlfriend when you’re in the shower and she’s a little drunk and maybe flirting back? Someone to use your computer to look at underage porn, that way the FBI will track it back to me and ruin my chances at running for President? Someone that enjoys watching the dishes pile higher and higher? Someone that I swear uses my shampoo, but can’t prove it because the bathroom door is closed, but I have put a camera in the bathroom, just next time I will aim it at their head? All questions with many answers…but who has them?
I have always had roommates growing up. Their names were sister one, sister two, Mom and Dad. They were alright. Mom always cooked. Dad always drove me places. Sister one let me hit her in the head with an encyclopedia once to see if it would knock her out. Sister two still makes a big deal about the time I tied her up, put a sock in her mouth, put her in a box, and told her I was shipping her far far away. But overall they weren’t that bad. My new roommates are quite different. Let me explain…
Do to the fact I must stare into their beady black eyes every morning I will not bash them with the intensity that I do when I secretly curse them out in my head.
One leaves the toilet seat up. One leaves it down. Another pees in the sink. She blames it on religious beliefs. I think she is a liar, and most of the time make sure to brush my teeth before she uses the bathroom.
One eats my food without asking. One eats my food after asking. Another tried licking my ears when I was sleeping. He too blamed this on religious beliefs. I not sure if I believed it this time.
One won’t take out the trash. One takes it out too frequently. Another has been caught several times going through my trash and eating it. He blamed this on a personal fetish and slight psychological disorder. I did believe that.
One likes to sleep in the nude. One likes to sleep in my bed. Another likes to sleep with my girlfriend. She has woken up on many occasions and found him spooning her lower body. He said he sleep walks. Why hasn’t her walked anywhere else?
One plays the music too loud. One plays the music to low. Another still tries to play the recorder from fifth grade. It sounds like a feminine Dolphin trying to squeeze out a wicked fart. He said women digg guys that know how to play an instrument. I say you are ruining my life.
One hasn’t cleaned since she moved in. One is obsessive compulsive and cleans everyday. Another has been sniffing all of the cleaning products and started a small fire in the living room. I don’t think she speaks English.
One never takes showers. One takes too many showers. One takes very weird pictures of himself showering and puts them in the meat drawer of our refrigerator. When I ask him why he does this, he just smiles and begins licking his fingers.
Roommates? These are mine.
Can you guess which ones do what?
Daniel Dickey
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