Sitting in my Brooklyn apartment, hungry, drawing on my wall, not sure when I last showered, and still shitting last nights liquor, I am very grateful I grew up in a suburban middle class neighborhood. Though my family wasn’t the cookie cutter all American type, both of my parents worked hard to provide a comfortable life for my siblings and I. I didn’t have to worry about drive-bys, crackheads trying to jerk me off behind a Walmart, and being forced to eat my cereal with water because we couldn’t buy milk this week.
In a gated community you have other things to worry about, like learning cools tricks with your bike, playing Pogs, and of course violent video games on Nintendo 64 (This is speaking of when I was in Middle School, today it would be Nintendo Wii). This of course this was taken for granted in my tween and teenage years, but as a poor, struggling 20 something I sure wish I had some Pogs and my Nintendo 64.
Living on your own isn’t all it’s cut out to be. If you had terribly strict dick munching parents then maybe living on your own is a big importance. But for me living rent free in a nice house with a tub and a toaster seems pretty ideal (You heard me. I do not have a toaster and my shower is the size of a Mormons vagina).
Yes you can walk around naked in your own house, but why can’t I do that in my Mom’s house? It’s not like she’s never seen a wiener. If anything I think she’d be proud to see the handsome wiener her son likes to strut around. I guess it’s also nice being able to have sex wherever I want in my house, but seeing as I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 2 and 1/2 years, we have sex in the same place…nowhere. I’m always tired and she’s always constipated. Love really is a magical thing. It’s like rain, just instead of droplets of water, it’s like droplets of magic. Little droplets of magic just falling from the sky. It’s so magical.
I’ve also found food to be a major concern while surviving in my own dwellings. Whatever food I do have must be guarded at all hours, due to overweight unactivated roommates trying to jack my cookies. Therefore I am left with a single meal a day (Two meals if it’s a holiday, and if I go to the local homeless shelter). That meal tends to be a can of tuna with whatever I can find to mix it with (Note: Don’t mix tuna with Landry detergent. Though it smells great, I have found it to be quite toxic and has almost killed me several times). I did buy a couple boxes of Captain Crunch, but unfortunately the milk expired 11 days ago. I tried smelling it and I threw up in my mouth. I assume I’ll cover my nose as I eat the Captain Crunch and 11 day old milk for dinner.
Living on your own sucks, inless you’re rich. I’m looking to knock up a rich girl in the coming months to help with my financial issues. Are you rich? Wanna have a baby? Cool.
I’m actually getting so frustrated that I’m not in at one of my parent’s houses (They’re divorced) in Florida watching HGTV that I am ending this post and going to sleep.
22 pounds skinnier than I was last year,
Daniel Dickey
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i own a mormon vagina. perhaps if i sold it on ebay i could help you out with your financial issues? how much do you think a mormon vagina would go for? seven pesos?