Five months after it was released in theaters, I downloaded Avatar. I decided it would be a spectacular choice as my in flight movie (I flew back to New York from Miami this morning). Now I know you’re thinking, “WTF this bum really hasn’t watched Avatar yet?” No, I am poor because I spend all my money on rent and various brands of chocolate chip cookies. Therefore I waited for it to be uploaded illegally so I could watch it while trying to convince the flight attendant that I had diabetes and if she didn’t give me one of the jumbo cookies immediately I would die (I didn’t get the cookies, but she did give me a free cheese and cracker sampler. Think Lunchables for the sophisticated).
Long story short, Avatar was amazing and I regret not seeing it in theaters… but not because I think it would have made the actual movie better. Nope, I could careless about that. I’m in love with Neytiri. Not the actress who played her, but the actual Avatar. Though fascinating, I really didn’t give a shit about the story. I was more concerned with seeing a nipple slip and her taking off that sexy alien thong as she talked to trees with her long french braid. I spent the three hours imaging how many sexually positions I could complete with a fully grown Avatar (700). Matter of fact I I’m so sexually attracted to Avatars (strictly female… though I would have hooked up with the king with dread locks before he died) that I no longer think I can hook up with women. I know I can sometimes exaggerate, but I’m completely serious about this. I don’t think I will ever hook up with woman unless she’s 12 feet tall, has blue skin, and knows how to ride on the back of a terradactyl.
Since the end of the movie I have only listened to Pandora (rain forest station), as it makes me feel closer to my future wifey and even changed my interest on Okcupid from ‘women’ to ‘tall aliens that own and operate bow and arrows’. I then searched the internet of a porn site consisting of strictly Avatars… unfortunately I didn’t find one, but did end up masturbating to a website that houses pictures of girls giving handjobs to the Travelocity gnome. It wasn’t Neytiri, but was surely a close second. It’s now close to midnight and I plan to watch the movie for the third time after publishing this blog (after I landed I called out of work to watch it for a second time. I told them I was sick… love sick).
On Photoshop Trying To Turn Myself Into An Avatar,
Daniel Dickey
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Funniest website ever. love it.