I Ran Into My Ex On The Subway

Those of you that have been reading my blog for a while now remember the ‘dark ages’ where I wrote a lot of mangina blogs about my girlfriend leaving me because I didn’t massage her feet enough (If you haven’t check out the Love & Relationships category). Well you can rest assured I will probably never write about being a such a little octaPUS even again….but I did just run into my ex at my subway station and do plan on talking about it in 4…3….2….1….

When you go through a break up your first thoughts are usually,

“Wow my life sucks. I’m ugly and I smell like poop”

“If she/he dates someone else I think I’m going to pour acid in my eyes”

“Maybe if I just sleep for the next six months everything will be ok”

I’m much too concerned with personal hygiene to smell like poop and am scared to put my contacts in my eyes, let alone acid. So I was most concerned with sleeping. I bought a very comfortable pillow and a new goose down blanket and slept until I didn’t pee on myself when I thought about my ex. After a good amount of months my balls dropped and I was able to untag myself from ‘most’ of the picture of us on facebook(I kept myself tagged in the ones I look good…that way that little fucker remembers how handsome I am).

With time you heal, but you always wonder what it’s going to be like when you see them. I don’t care who/what/where you are, after you have gotten over the break up, enough to accomplish normal daily activities, all you think about is the next time you’re gonna see them. You imagine what it is gonna be like seeing them. Where will it be? At a park? At a ping pong tournament? At a midget pool party? I personally always saw it happening at a midget pool party…a boy can dream. In truth, this always how I pictured it happening…

(I walk out of a exclusive little cafe on the upper west side. I’m in great shape, just got a hair cut, and wearing my finest threads. My date for the night, a olive skinned model type, is holding onto my arm. I just said something witty and she is laughing loudly as she kisses my neck. It’s cold outside and she pulls me in closer while starring at me dreamy eyed. I’m just chillen. Then out of no where I see my ex walking out of the cafe next door to this one. That cafe is old and offers discount coffee to people without legs. She tries her best to look pretty, but her date, a short balding European man with orange diesel shoes, makes her look like shit. He’s rich, but money ain’t as funny as me. She sees me and quickly begins looking at my lovestruck date. We are walking towards each other. Our dates are oblivious to whats happening right now. 15 feet…10 feet…5 feet…I say something really witty again, my date laughs louder than before.)

Me: Is that? Stephanie, is that you?

My Ex Girlfriend: Yeah, I-

Me: I almost didn’t see you. I was too busy shielding my eyes from those bright shoes that short, old man you’re with is wearing (the dumb European doesn’t get my funny American banter).

My Ex Girlfriend: Danny, this is Joseph.

Me: Oh that’s cool. This little beauty is Esmeralda…you might have seen her before?

My Ex Girlfriend: Do you work at H&M?

Esmeralda: (shyly giggling) No, but I’m their new model for the fall line.

My Ex Girlfriend: Oh

Me: Fucking yeah. She made so much money off that gig that she’s taking me to Paris.

Esmeralda: Yeah, it’s going to be so beautiful. Have you ever been to Paris?

My Ex Girlfriend: No, but Joseph is from Germany (Joseph is swatting a fly that keeps landing on his face).

Me: No Germany for us. Just Paris. Yep. Were going to Paris…probably gonna spend most of the time hanging out on the Eiffel Tower. Probably gonna fuck up on the Eiffel Tower…like every night. I’ll probably gonna propose up there (both girl’s face light up. This is what I’ve been waiting for).

My Ex Girlfriend: Huh?

Ezmeralda: Huh?! (I get down on one knee and pull a huge diamond ring out of my pocket) Oh my God!

My Ex Girlfriend: Oh my God!

Joseph: (the fly flys into Joseph’s mouth and he begin choking) Oh my God! (he collapses).

Me: Will you marry me?

Esmeralda: YES! OH MY GOD, YES! (We kiss and she hugs me knowing our lives are going to be wonderful together. We kiss again. Holding hands we begin to walk away. After a couple steps I turn back around to face my Ex).

Me: Hey it was nice seeing you again (she is in awe. I casually point at Joseph lying dead on the road) Good luck with him…he seems like a really great guy (I am the king…the fucking king).

Wanna know what really happened today?

(I walk off the smelly subway car and towards the exit. I just got out of the gym. My hair is fro’d and nappy. I haven’t shaved in a couple days. I’m wearing the same dirty, paint covered sweat shirt and gym shorts I wore while I was dating my ex. I look very homeless. I see my ex walking down the stairs with some tall guy. She sees me and tries to play it off like she didn’t…but I know this little thing better than anyone. She saw me and is freaking out. I saw her and am vomiting in my mouth. She lives on the Upper West Side, what the hell is she doing in Bushwick? Really, out of all places…this is how it’s going down? First thing I think, “WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T I GEL MY HAIR!” I quickly try to take my sweat shirt off so this guy realizes my arms are bigger than his and I can snap his neck…too late, they have just swiped their cards. Should I pretend to faint? We just made eye contact. AHHHHHHH

Me: Well look at this?

My Ex Girlfriend: Hey (the tall guy just chills with his perfectly combed hair).

Me: This is…um.

My Ex Girlfriend: Yeah, we were just talking about you. (what the fuck were they talking about me for?)

Me: Yeah, this is my hood.

My Ex Girlfriend: Yeah I know. (I look at the guy giving my ex a look like, “lets go”)

Me: Hey, what’s up guy? (he nods his head)

My Ex Girlfriend: (she quickly throws in) Yeah we were just rehearsing a scene. (My mind is blank. I’m trying to figure out if it’s early enough for her to be leaving his house from the night before. A scene? I met her while doing ‘a scene’. She speaks up again). This is so random.

Me: Yeah, you know what they say, New York City…the smallest place in the world (who says this? I’ve never heard anyone say this. Why did I say this?)

My Ex Girlfriend: Yeah.

Me: Yeah. (a brief pause) Ok good seeing you.

My Ex Girlfriend: You too.

WHERE THE FUCK WAS MY HOT MODEL FIANCEE? Where was the fat balding guy? Where was the fly that should have been eating this guys face? Why didn’t she bump into me last night as I came home drunk with my hair gelled and a perfectly picked out fall outfit on? Why didn’t she bump into me when I was going to work, dressed in Baby Gap’s finest? Ahhhhhhhh IDK.

I’m going on a day date with someone I met on a dating site(I’ll tell you all about it later)…then doing some stand up int he city tonight…holler.

Riding the train on the Upper West Side looking handsome as shit…hoping to bump into the ex, again,

Daniel Dickey

Related posts:

1. When To Hi Five and When Not To Hi Five.
2. Do You Know The Tango?
3. A Fight For Freedom
4. My Girlfriends New Hair Color

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