It’s 6:30 in the morning. Unable to sleep, I reach for my phone and call my mother.
- Mom: (barely enunciating) Hello?
- Me: Mom!
- Mom: Huh?
- Me: Mom wake up!
- Mom: (very groggy) I’m up. What time is it? Is everything ok?
- Me: No. (In a whisper) I’m pregnant.
- Mom: (still might be sleeping) What? What did you say?
- Me: There’s no time for questions, I just wanted to say goodbye. I’m leaving the country.
- Mom: (she has started to wake up and I can hear a slight sense of panic in her voice) Danny, what’s going on?
- Me: It’s too late. I have some money in savings… like ten or twenty dollars. I want you to take it and buy yourself a nice dinner. Maybe do a little shopping at Costco.
- Mom: What are you talking about?
- Me: Mom… I’m pregnant.
- Mom: (suddenly wide awake) Daniel! I I told you to use condoms. You’re such an idiot sometimes, you know that? An idiot! 23 years old and you get someone pregnant. Who is she?
- Me: Mom I didn’t get anyone pregnant… I’m pregnant.
- Mom: What?!
- Me: I’ve been up all night. I feel a baby inside of me. It feels like it’s kicking me in the stomach with roller blades. I think it’s a boy.
- Mom: Danny did you get someone pregnant?
- Me: If by someone you mean someone other than me, then no. If by someone you mean me, then yes, I’m pregnant. I’m going to name him Jerry… after Ben and Jerry’s.
- Mom: It’s probably gas. I told you to stop drinking all night and then binging on fast food. It’s not good for you. Just hold you knees to your chest, that should-
- Me: Mom I’ve been on WebMD since 4:30 this morning, it’s for sure a baby. Either that or I have an ulcer.
- Mom: Well you know I have an ulcer?
- Me: Yes I know. That’s why I’m calling. I wanted to thank you for the terrible genes you have given me. First I start going bald four months ago and now I have an ulcer. You think you could have given me something that would have benefited me in life?
- Mom: I did. I gave you your great looks, sense of humor and smarts.
- Me: I got my sense of humor from dad.
- Mom: Are you nuts? (I let out a loud scream.) What was that? Are you ok?
- Me: Sorry the baby kicked. It doesn’t matter who I got it from, it’s all I have. Smarts aren’t getting me anywhere and once I’m bald whatever looks I might have had will be gone.
- Mom: You’re not going bald. You’re very handsome.
- Me: Everyone’s mother thinks their child is great looking.
- Mom: That’s not true.
- Me: Yes it is. Remember when uncle ***** (you never know who’s reading) sent us *****’s baby pictures? She was beyond ugly. Her head was all lopsided and her eyes looked like they belonged on a spider. Really her whole head looked like a bruised cantaloupe.
- Mom: Sometimes it takes a couple weeks for the head to proportion itself.
- Me: Do you remember what uncle ***** wrote on the back of the picture? “My beautiful angel.” Angel? The kid looked like a little lizard. I threw the picture behind the fridge because I’d get grossed out every time I saw it. If Jerry turns out like that I’ll throw him in the garbage.
- Mom: What time is it?
- Me: It’s one in the afternoon.
- Mom: What are you talking about? The sun isn’t up.
- Me: It’s day light saving.
- Mom: I didn’t get home form the airport till 4:00am this morning. I need to get some-
- Me: That reminds me. I’m flying home next week. Do you think the X-ray machine will hurt Jerry? (I realize my mom will not answer nor respond to anything about my pregnancy. I change the subject slightly.) I’m not shaving my face before I fly home next week.
- Mom: Daniel, shave your face! You look like a bum with that stupid beard.
- Me: No, I’m never shaving it. Maybe if I wasn’t losing all the hair on my head I’d shave… you can thank yourself for that.
- Mom: Hold your knees to you chest and try to go back to sleep.
- Me: Yeah right! Thanks to the ’smarts’ you gave me, I know that’s how you kill a baby. You don’t want me to have this baby because you don’t want to be a grandmother yet. You think it will make you seem old.
- Mom: (I can tell she is smiling as she says this) Why would I look old?… I still have all my hair.
- Me: (This comment has hurt me more than the pregnancy and ulcer combined) You have no heart.
- Mom: Don’t forget who you got your sense of humor from. Shave you face. Go to sleep.
I yelled into the phone as she hung up. I then held my knees to my chest, as a single tear crashed into my hairy cheek. Jerry was gone.
Rest In Peace Little Jerry,
Daniel Dickey
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
omg your mom is badass. my fav part “(I can tell she is smiling as she says this) Why would I look old? I still have all my hair” youre mom just owned you ahahahahhahahahaha
…what is this crap?
Dylan, I can’t understand you with that dick in your mouth… try taking the dick out and say it again.
I hope this is all real and not beefed up too much because your relationship with your mother is fabulous. You’re very creative in ways that she, (un-admittedly), loves to play off of. It’s all too funny to handle.
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