Up until now my Brooklyn bachelorpad has been Roach and Rat free. I have heard stories of other New Yorkers having to fend off Roachs the size of Rats and Rats the size of small Bears, but I’ve always been fine. I’ve always ‘BEEN’ fine.
We stood in a complete stand still. Who would make the first move? If I moved first he would run. If he moved first I would surely begin crying. To the right of me I noticed my shoe. To the left I saw my girlfriends flat iron. They both would do the job, but my shoes were new. I reached for the flat iron, carefully watching his every movement. His eyes shifted, but I held fast as I wrapped my hands around the flat iron. He jolted to the left, but I quickly leaped in front of him. Again we were at a stand still. He flickered his antennas as if to say, “Go ahead try to catch me. You’re a pussy and I’m going to lay eggs all over this mother fucking house. So back the fuck up”. I responded by batting my eye lashes. What I was trying to say being, “Please don’t come any closer or I’ll pee all over myself”. I had to make my move soon, every second was another chance for him to escape into the wall or a crack in the wooden floor. With my legs spread wide I begin walking closer to him. He slowly creeped back. I wiped my sweaty hand on my fat face and squeezed the flat iron in my fist. He held his breath as he stared at me. I clenched my ass cheeks as I stared at him. BOOM I pounced like a hungry cougar. He got away, but I chased close after him. He ducked under the kitchen table, but I tossed it to the floor as I swatted him with the iron. One of his legs came off, but still he sprinted towards the stove. We both knew if he made to the stove he would win. I’m not a loser. I threw my body onto the floor as I assaulted him with harsh verbal blows like, “You stupid guy” and “DON’T CRAWL ON ME AAAAHHHH”. It worked and he headed the other way….the other way was my bedroom. My girlfriend was sleeping on my mattress. My mattress is on the floor. HE PLANNED THIS ALL ALONG! WHAT A FOOL I WAS! He was going to take my girlfriend hostage!
Outsmarted, I walked into my room to see him lounging on my girlfriends face. He saw me and smiled. I stepped closer and he creeped towards her mouth. I stopped and said, “Don’t you dare you little fucking guy”. To that he quickly responded by jumping into her open mouth, only to burst out seconds later, gasping for air. He under estimated the stink that lives in my girlfriends mouth as she sleeps. I knew he was hurt, her morning breath could bring down a large Bull, and though he was a fighter, he was no Bull. I jumped onto the bed, cocked back the flat iron over my head and screamed, “I going to kill you, you little mother fucker”. My girlfriends eyes popped open and she quickly kicked my hard in the balls (I have told her many times before I was going to kill her in her sleep, with a flat iron, and she assumed that night was the night). I fell to my knees, crying as I gripped my small testicles. My girlfriend then climbed on top of me and began thrashing her nails into my eyes. As my eyes squirted blood she repeated, “Oh my faggot little boyfriend thinks he can kill me while I’m sleeping? Guess what? I’m going to cut your legs off and leave you in to closet to die, you little fucking dick sucker”. I cried and pleaded for her to stop. To this she responded by kicking me in the ribs and smashing her flat iron into my face. She yelled, “What did you say something? I can’t hear you with all those dogs dicks in your mouth”. I did not have any dogs dicks in my mouth. She was lying, but I was almost dead. As my bleeding head was being pounded into the jagged wooden floor I saw the Roach sitting on my new shoes eating a piece of popcorn. With my puppy dog eyes looked at him for help, but he only laughed and began shitting in the shoe.
I’m writing this months later in a Brooklyn hospital. I came out of my coma a couple days ago and my new prosthetic legs should be showing up within the week. I am completely blind in my left eye and my right eye is actually no longer there, it is just a hole. I’ve been told it looks like an asshole right after the dick has been popped out. It’s still hard to breath as most of my ribs are still broken and both my lungs collapsed. Most of my nose is missing and nine of my fingers are gone because of the frost bite (After I regained consciousness in the bedroom I explain what really happened to my girlfriend. That I wasn’t trying to kill her, just the Roach. She ended up feeling really bad and ended up sticking me in the freezer. She said it would help with my swelling and she would take me out after 15 minutes. She fell asleep. She put me in there on Tuesday morning. She took me out on Sunday night. It’s been a ruff couple of months. I’m actually going into surgery within the hour to get the rest of the nails, tacks, and shards of glass out of my spine. Wish me luck…but make sure to do it in my left ear, as my right ear drum exploded as my girlfriend shouted, “You really thought you could kill me? Really, a pussy like you? Too bad you didn’t, because now I’m going to cut off all your skin with a razor and make you eat it. What did you say? You want me to saw off your penis and fill it with pudding for dessert? Good idea. That’s going to be so yummy, you little faggot bitch”.
Scared and hurt,
Daniel Dickey
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
daniel….seriously….
WHO ARE YOU?!
i love you.
LOOL