As my coworker browsed through New York’s radio stations late last Saturday night, she stopped at one just as a 80’s R&B song was ending. Distracted with the Taco Bell drive-thru menu she left the station on and continued debating which meal would satisfy her craving for dog meat in a hard or soft taco, topped with crisp lettuce, cool sour cream, and rip tomatoes. I was in the passenger seat counting the hairs on my knuckles while I was molested by a stream of loud obnoxious commercials. Most were about male enhancement, but those never peak my interest since I wish I had a vagina (I do not have any desire to be a women or have sex with men, I just think having a little vagina would be much more comfortable and make me more agile during games of football and frisbee). There was one commercial that did make me lose count of my knuckle hair (I was currently on 24). Trying to word this in the most beautiful way for my readers, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life.
Would you like to buy a star? Of course I would like to buy a star! Who wouldn’t? I’d take a mortgage out on my mother’s house just to own Michael Buble. I’ll pay up to $1100 for Jennifer Aniston and make her work on my potato farm. I could buy Jermanie Dupree and pimp his little ass out to horny rugby players. I was dreaming about the complied list of celebrities I planned to own when it hit. They were talking about the stars in the sky. This caused me to get fired up. “What”, I yelled at the radio. “You stupid guy”, I vented at the voice over talent. My coworker, still undecided, had already left the car and went inside the restaurant (If you may call it such) to discuss her food options with a taco associate. I continued with my vicious verbal lashing, whipping the radio like a slave caught trying to read. As my boiling temperature came to a simmer, I listened to the rest of the commercial.
A company has taken out radio ads in New York to sell stars…really? I pride myself on my business sense, but even the sexiest Poodle has to comb his hair. Therefore I ‘could’ be wrong, but how can you sell something if you don’t own it? Yes, I have tried selling my girlfriend a number of times on ebay, but technically in the contract I made her sign before I let her see me naked, I do own her. But nobody owns the stars! They are stars! Giant balls of burning gas and molten lava, million and billions of miles away. How can you own that? In that case I own the moon. Would you like to purchase it? It has a great view of the earth. Wondering who I was yelling at, my coworker got into the car with six fat bags of tacos. I told her the situation and she responded, “Nassau” owns the stars. Now I realized then that she meant NASA (The National Aeronautics and Space Administration), but with her mouthful of warm chips and cheese, it sounded like she said Nassau. As in Nassau, Bahamas a ghetto ass little island that Photoshop’s beautiful pictures from other islands and post them on travel sites in hopes drunk college kids and retired Jewish couples will visit. I dismissed the possibility that she was referring to the island and looking her puzzled as ever I asked, “How exactly does NASA own the stars”? Covered in hot sauce she grunted that they own all of space and shit. I’m starting to see the affects of not requiring prospective job applicants from filling out a IQ test.
Nobody owns the stars! If there was or is a man or women or alien that goes by the name of ‘God’ then he/she/it might have a strong argument that he/she/it owns the stars, but until then they are free for the taking. Therefore if this company is going to go around naming and selling stars then so will I. BUT, big difference between me and those losers, I will also be selling PLANETS (I shit on that company). If you are interested in buying a star or planet, please feel fee to contact me with your desired star or planet and your offering price.
Note – I have already sold these stars/planets.
Jupiter – Sold to Garrett Levin for 60 hugs and a nasty foot rub.
Star number 1102 – Bought by some large Turkish man for $4.
Uranus – I gave this to my girlfriend in hopes to have her reconsider anal sex.
Star number 3 – Shane West bought this for Mandy Moore in a walk to remember.
PS: The Moon is still up for grabs to the highest bidder.
Just being a star,
Daniel Dickey
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I would like to buy the moon