<—All of them got herpes on Spring Break.
Spring Break is here! Well not for me, as I am sitting behind my computer in the still cold New York City, but hopefully it’s spring break for you. If it is, then I’m sure you’ll enjoy a week of highly intoxicated college students tanned and toned for the sexfest that nuts all over America this time of year. It going to be jammed packed with beaches, babes, and your roommates drawing large penis on your face as your passed out poolside. A recent poll revealed 92% of college students only live for spring break and if it ever got canceled they would kill themselves. I totally believe it, as I used to MC spring break party trips all around the country and have experience the funtastic fascination that is spring break.
With that being said, there is often a huge factor that is over looked while binge drinking in paradise…Herpes. Yeah, bet you didn’t expect to have that puss blister explode in your face right now. Boom. I’ve seen the best of young men and women come back with a little more than a suntan and some bruised shins. I’m here to help. These are the only ways to prevent getting Herpes this spring break.
The Only Ways To Not Get Herpes On Spring Break
- Carry an umbrella. If you see anyone with Herpes getting within a couple feet just smack the shit out of them with that umbrella-ela-ela-a.
- Before you go out make sure to cover your face with Vaseline and baby powder. I know this might sound crazy, and people might think you look like a marshmallow, but just in case you kiss any real dirt’s, the herpes won’t be able to eat through the Vaseline and baby powder. Thank you in advance.
- Wear sock on your hands at all times. Sounds crazy? Chew on this. Your just hanging out eating a sandwich and some insanely hot girls walk over and say, “Hey sandwich guy, you’re looking so fine”. Then they all give you a hi-five. You smile at your friends who can’t believe all those sexy babes just called you sandwich guy and finish eating your sandwich. BOOM. Four of the six girls had herpes, two of the four were picking at their herpes right before they gave you a hi-five. Fact: You just got herpes on your hand. Fact: Herpes is now on your sandwich. Fact: Your Turkey sandwich is now a herpes sandwich. Fact: Your friends are going to make fun of you for the rest of your life because once a month your lips look like someone threw moldy raspberries at you. If you had those socks on you could slap all those chicks hi-five and then throw that sock in the pool.
- Don’t wear a condom. Yes, this will be a huge defense against herpes and all other STD’s, but imagine if you got some random chick pregnant on spring break and she ended up having a kid. Tell me you wouldn’t be the man on campus if everyone found out you had a baby momma. Exactly!
- Before you sleep with any girl or guy, poke the right in the eye. It’s been said anyone with herpes can not bleed out of their eyes. So when you’ve finally convinced that person to take their clothes off, come up real slow like you’re going to whisper something sweet to them, and poke them in the eye hard as fuck. Boom! If they bleed, run, run so far away.
- Tell people your related to Hulk Hogan. Who in the right mind would risk giving someone that knows Hulk Hogan herpes?
- Make sure to to install a video camera in your hotel room. Of course this won’t stop you from getting herpes, but if you do get herpes and everyone finds out, odds are no will have sex with you. So while you browse herpes forums online trying to find someone else with blisters you can at least have something to jerk off to (If you’re thinking, can’t I just look at regular porn? No, they’ll know you have herpes, and they will hate you for it, probably yelling belittling things at your through the computer, like ‘get out of here raspberry lips’ or ‘hey does something smell or are you just stupid and ugly and have herpes’).
- Only take the elevator. I think this explains itself.
- Last but not least, make sure you never ever ever buy a drink for a girl you’re trying to lay. This will not protect you from herpes, but it will defiantly protect you from being a little bitch. Only little bitches have to buy girls drinks to get some toned tushie. Just tell that chick straight up, “Yo I’m feeling your sexy ass body and I’m thinking I’ll finger you later, but if you even mention shit about a drink I won’t hesitate to pimp slap the shit out of you. Got that? Good. What’s your name again?”
Follow all of that and you’ll live a happy herpes free life. Break even one of those rules all good luck trying to cover up those blisters.
Also please remember don’t judge someone if they happen to have herpes. They are just like us, just instead of being regular, they have herpes and their face smells like rotten berries and Bear farts.
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
hey, at least you learned from your mistakes.
HILARIOUS! take the elevator!
You have very funny blogs