Early Signs That You’re Going Bald

So I’ve debated talking about this for the past couple of months. I originally only spoke to my closest friends and family about it, but after much thought I felt the subject should be touched upon in my blog. With that being said…

About four months ago I realized I had an extremely debilitating and life ending disease… I was going bald. I’ll give you a second to let that sink in. Still sinking? Let me start from the beginning.

It was just after my 23rd birthday, I was in the shower doing my normal routine, singing Michael Buble, booty dancing and washing my hair with free hotel shampoo. It wasn’t until I started massaging my scalp that I noticed my hair was thinner than normal. Was this the shampoo? Was I just imagining it? I wasn’t sure, but truthfully didn’t pay it much attention as I have always had thick Jewlicious hair and figured it was nothing to worry about.

Fast froward three months. I’m with Jt at Oscar’s (my other best friend) barber shop. We were having a discussion about which character we’d be from Saved by the Bell. I said Zack, Oscar said AC Slater, and before Jt could speak we decided he would have to be Screech. We were laughing up a storm as Jt walked up to the barber chair attempting to reclaim his manhood. He went to speak, but paused, looked at my hair and made a odd expression.

• Me: What?
• Jt: (still looking at my hair) Damn!
• Me: What? Oscar are you fucking up my hair cut? I told you to stop experimenting with my head. Just cause we’re friends doesn’t mean you can try your new haircuts on me.
• Oscar: I cut your hair for free, I’ll do whatever I want.
• Jt: Yo, you’re going bald. Oscar you see that?
• Me: (laughing) Yeah, sure I am. You’re just mad because that french guy fingered the girl you like.
• Oscar: (Oscar takes a step back to get his razor) Damn! I didn’t even notice because I’m so close. Yo D, you’ve lost madddd hair.
• Me: (I don’t trust a word Jt says, but Oscar wouldn’t lie to me. I start having a panic attack) Oscar? What are you talking about? I’m not bald, right? Let me see a mirror!
• Jt: What do you need a mirror for? You’re telling me you haven’t noticed how bald you are.
• Oscar: (Oscar looked away as he handed me the mirror) Don’t worry, I’m going bald too.

I spent the next hour and a half staring at my hair–or what I had left. It was obvious that my hair had thinned out all around the crown of my head. I was getting what people might refer to as “The George Kastanza.” The hair around the sides of my head were still thick and handsome while the hairs on top of my head had become thin and resembled that of a six month old. My worst nightmare was coming true. I was turning into an old Jewish man.

When I flew back to New York I began talking to people about my disease, but most looked at me like I was crazy. See my hair was so thick and sexy to begin with, that when I style it it still looks like have a full head of hair. It’s a lie. I can see my scalp whenever my hair is wet. When I rest my head against something I can feel it. I never felt anything before. Wind blows and my head gets cold. I go to the gym every morning and spend more time looking at my hair than I do working out. Instead of drying my hair with a towel after a shower, I just let the water drip all over me until it drys by itself. I used to spend most of my free time writing movies, now I’m too busy talking to fellow baldies on hair forums. I’ve been going to bed with a shower cap just to see how much hair is falling out while I sleep–a lot. And the issue with all of this is, I’M NOTHING WITHOUT MY HAIR. I don’t have a chiseled European jaw line and a cute button nose. My face is very Jerry Seinfeld–go ahead, imagine him bald. When I’m bald I won’t look like Michael Jordan, I’ll look like Tom Arnold. My hair evens out my face. So much so, that I never where hats. EVER! It’s 20 degrees in New York and I’m the only one in that city that walks around without a hoodie. When people go bald they wear hats because they have an appealing face. My face barely gets me by with a full head of hair. Things aren’t looking too good for me.

When I do go bald I have two options. One, shave my head and get a nose job. Two, get a wig. The nose job and a shaved head might work (especially if I go to the same doctor Ashley Tisdale used), but I’ve always been one to push loving yourself for who you are and getting plastic surgery isn’t something I would be too fond of. The wig on the other hand would be really fun. I’d probably have different colored ones for different days of the week. I’m thinking I’ll be a platinum blonde every Sunday and wear an afro whenever I play sports (looks like I won’t be the last one picked for the team anymore :0). But no matter what I choose, my love life is going to be affected the most. Yeah, being funny is always going to get me girls, but am I going to get the girls I want? I don’t know. I’ve never been bald before and have therefore usually gotten the girl I wanted. I figure I have about two more years to find a girl and convince her to fall madly in love with me or I just get really rich and tape $100 bills to my bald spot (this is always a guaranteed way to get poon–even if you have hair).

My reason for writing this was because this morning I officially saw the bald spot on the back of my head growing. It’s too late for me, my life is already over. But hopefully there’s some young boy with thick teenage hair reading this. If you are, don’t take your hair or pelo (in case you’re Latino) for granted. Wake up everyday and rub you fingers through that beautiful mop. Travel with your hair. Take pictures of your hair with famous people. When your hair falls into your food, just eat it. If you were thinking about dying it, but were too scared to–do it–you can’t dye scalp. When you’re lying in bed with your hot girlfriend and she plays with your hair, smile. Because when you’re bald and ugly that fat Eskimo woman isn’t going to touch you, let alone rub your freckled scalp. Cut locks of your hair and put them in a safety deposit box… there’s nothing more valuable. If your mother’s father is bald, punch him in the face… most of this is his fault. But whether you pray, do the secret, practice witchcraft, or update your Facebook status, just never, NEVER forget to live life like today is your last day as someone with hair.

I took these pictures this morning.

I’ll understand if you never speak to me again…I’m a monster.

May your hair be thick, long and forever with you,

Daniel Dickey

Related posts:

1. Signs That You Are Dying
2. Signs You’re Getting Older
3. Do You Know The Tango?

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