The colorful evening sky was filled with bright purples and soft pinks as the sun fell behind the clouds. The crisp night air was cool and the gentile breeze felt good against my exposed light brown ball sack. I was drunk and dangling my shaved testicle pouch over the eyelids of my barely conscience friend…who had passed out minutes after I dared him to drink a cup filled with gasoline. It was Wednesday, hump day, and we were trying to get our hump on. We hoped to meet some nice cougars that would take back to their mansion and give us blow jobs, all while we bought expensive things on amazon.com with their husband’s credit cards. But now my friend was almost dead and that wasn’t going to help me get any action. I did what any other man friend would do…I left him in a parking lot with a sign that said, “Please pee on me. I love urine” and walked off.
I was now alone to cruise this large sports bar in the middle of a upper middle class suburban community. Most of the women were being wooed by older rich men with dockers pants and cheese-ball hair cuts. The kind of men that couldn’t grow a beard until they were 40 and drink Samuel Adams beer because it makes them feel more ‘New England’. It didn’t faze me though, I’m a gangster. I saw three prime targets. One was a tall brunette, probably in her mid thirties, a real executive/MBA in business type of woman, the type to fuck you and fire you right after. The second was a little older than I was used to, she was 70, but I could tell she had money, real old money. I couldn’t see the face or body of the last girl…but I could see she was sitting in a booth alone and I could only assume she was a cutie. I was ready to party.
I walked up to the first chica and introduced myself as,
- “Handsome. Handsome, with a gorgeous penis. What’s your name?”
She stared me up and down, and without saying a word she grabbed my package. Immediately her eyes lit up and she ordered a full glass of Scotch. After downing the Stoch in one shot she replied,
- “I’m Brenda, but you can call me dirty things”.
- Confused I asked, “Pause. Rewind. You want me to call you ‘dirty things’ or are you saying I can call and say dirty things to you like, Your pussy looks like Jimmy Neutron’s face?”
- “Either or. Listen my husband is going to be meeting me here in a half an hour. Do you wanna fuck me in his Escalade? Its got 26’s on it.”
This lady was cutting straight to the point and I liked it. Normally I wouldn’t fuck in a Escalade, as I’m more into fucking in the trunks of BMWs, but the 26’s really sold me. I had her tell the bartender all my drinks for the rest of the night would be on her tab and then I took her out to the truck and gave that kosher Chimmy Canga (she wasn’t as good as I thought she’d be…I did nut all over the windshield, which was awesome).
I walked back into the sports bar knowing I could order whatever I wanted, but still felt the need to go after the old women. She was at the bar simultaneously smoking a cigarette and breathing through an oxygen mask. She had on a gold American Apparel body suit and by the sag in her ass I could tell she wasn’t wearing any under wear. When I got close enough, I spit on my finger and stuck it in her ear. She perked up real quick, as she could sense I knew how to please a women, and then began taking off her body suit.
- “Wait baby. Wait. First tell me how much money you have in the bank?”
- Licking her lips, she replied, “Enough to buy you a yacht like P Diddy.”
She knew I loved yachts! We got a booth and IÂ ordered a bottle of their finest champagne…on the cougars tab of course.
As we waited for the bottle to arrive I felt grandma’s cold foot sliding up my leg. She was very small, so as her foot went higher up my leg, she sunk down under the table. By the time her foot was fucking my dick, all I could see was her little grandma afro just bouncing around. This kept up for sometime and in attempts to double my pleasure I threw things in her hair until the bubbly arrived (mostly paper, salt, and a couple forks). When the waiter walked up she popped up from her seat and barked at him like hungry bird. He jumped back, almost dropping the bottle, and looked at me confused. I started to assured him everything was ok, but grandma thought otherwise…
- “It took 5 minutes for that bottle to get here. I remember when you’d order something and it would just appear in front of you immediately.”
- The scared waiter replied,”I don’t think that was ever possible”.
- “Of course it’s possible, you fool”.
- “I’m sorry ma’am, but that is definitely impossible”.
- “Bitch you want me to jump out this seat and make you suck my tittie? (Holding her arms out) Shut your mouth then. You scrawny little carrot looking dork. It’s possible”
- I jumped in mostly because I thought it was funny, but also because I wanted her to finish giving my a footjob under the table, “No I’m pretty sure that’s not possible. Maybe you saw it on a episode of the Jetsons.”
She shrugged her shoulders, the waiter left and she began giving me a footjob again. Her little old feet were softer than anything I’ve ever felt. Even for a Stallion like myself, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by the pleasure these wrinkly toes were giving me. She used her feet similar to a monkey. She was able to stroke my shaft with one foot, as she massaged my balls with the toes on the other foot. Sipping my Moet, I closed my eyes and leaned back into the booth. I was feeling like a bear with a bucket of honey.
When I next opened my eyes I saw the rest of her head had disappeared under the table. Still enjoying her foot wrapped around my penis like a banana, I wondered what she would do to me next. Of all things I expected I did not imagine hearing the loud yelp she let out. It sounded like a horny hyena going into heat. The patrons of the restaurant looked at me confused and disgusted…the table cloth blocked grandma, and everyone assumed this devilish noise cam from me.
- “I’m sorry I’m just really hungry” I said. No one believed this and I quickly added, “and I just had a baby”.
To that a couple people smiled, though one man gave me the finger and then proceeded with combing his hair and drinking his Samuel Adams. This old bitch was now punching the bottom of the table with her first. As I threw a piece of bread at her, assuming she was hungry, I felt her hand breeze past my balls and try to squeeze itself between my soft ass cheeks. “Woooooahh” I yelled out like I was trying to calm and wild horse. She obviously didn’t understand this was not something I was into, because immediately after IÂ moaned out, she punched me in the stomach and bit my calf muscle. What was going on here? I bent over sideways to pull up the table cloth and that little golden girl slipped two of her aged fingers into my ass. “Ahhhhhh” I screamed as my balloon knot was punctured for the first time. What was this Barbara Walters looking weirdo doing? I thought she was going to buy me a yacht, but all she wanted to do was sail into my ass. I bent under the table, as I looked her in the eye…did IÂ mention she only had one?
- “What kind of shit are you trying to pull here?”
- “Yo no abla English.”
- “You stuck your fingers in my ass without asking. What If I stuck something in your ass without asking?’
- “Depends on what it was. If it was a Shark then I’d probably be a little annoyed, but if it was a lamp or lets say your tongue I’d be all smiles.”
- I realized throughout all of this her feet were still wrapped around my penis. “Listen just finish the job and I need to go.”
- “Excuse me? Finish the job and go? You think I’m some college freshman that doesn’t know how this works? I’ma tell you whats going to happen. I’m going to finish jerking up off with my feet and you’re going to ejaculate into my purse, and then you’re going to come back to my place and…”
I couldn’t listen to this wacko anymore and I hit her on the forehead with my soup spoon. It didn’t hurt her, but confused her enough to let my cock go free from the restrains of her monkey feet. I quickly got up and told a short Mexican busser that if he sat down at my booth he could drink the rest of the champagne for free. He did, and not a minute later I heard the yelp come from under the table once again.
I saw Brenda at the bar with her husband. He was hooting at a hockey game so I knew he was for sure a douche bag (anyone who watches hockey is a douche bag) and I was happy I nutted all over the windshield of his Escalade. Already hammered, I ordered a couple more drinks (by a couple I mean 16) and I decided I was gonna go after the last available girl in the bar. I knew I would be too hammered to talk by the time I finished all the drinks, so I wrote a note on a drink napikin saying how beautiful I thought this girl was and how bad I wanted to go home with her and start a family…in her mouth. By the time the note was done I was barely alive, but I some how managed to walk over to her booth and pass out holding the letter.
Looks like I got real lucky…she can’t wait to start a family. She added me on Facebook this morning…above is her display pic.
Daniel Dickey
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
So that’s what you did when you went back to Florida!
That was only the first night!!
LOLOLOLOLOL the old one is my grandmother.
wow… omg… hilarious