In my current exploration of life I want nothing holding me down to a specific place. It’s why I don’t have a dog, girlfriend or car. But after globe-trotting for half of a year and settling back in South Florida, I’m being forced to take on one of them (thankfully the only one I don’t have to feed on a regular basis). I’ve delayed buying a car as much as possible, but bumming rides and biking to the gym has gotten old. There aren’t any subways in the Sunshine State so there’s more of a chance I’ll ride around on a horse than use the city buses. They’re pretty much a taxi for crackheads and ex-cons, and the closest stop is usually further than where I’m going. So here I am, looking at cars and still letting my mother know I do not want to buy hers. I’ve rounded down my prospective list of vehicles to four cars. I put them in two categories.
Category one is made up of an Audi A4 or BMW 3 Series. Fancy, I know. Both of them look sleek and sexy and scream out James Bond and beautiful girls. Every time I see one speed past me I think, “oh baby, how’d I’d like to wax your bumper and kiss your hood.” They symbolize young and professional, but still hip and baller. Like I’m a first year law associate, but still listen to Rick Ross and roll joints on my dashboard. The issue with Audi… their parts are insanely expensive and when something fails, which it will, I’ll have to sell my organs to be able to afford it. I enjoy my organs. The issue with BMW… they profited off of World War II by using prisoners from Jewish labor camps to build their cars. So might I think they’re sleek and sexy, but so did Hitler (a good friend of BMW). I try to remind myself of BMW’s real tag line… The Ultimate Dying Machine.
Category two consist of a Toyota Prius and a Honda Civic. I know, I just went from a young baller to a vegan Microsoft employee.But lets gets something out there right off the bat, the Prius gets fifty miles per a gallon. Fifty miles per a gallon! Do you know how much money I can waste on wool socks and trampolines when I only have to fill up my gas tank once a month? Answer: A lot of money. And though the Civic doesn’t get fifty miles per a gallon, it still does way better than either car in category one. And for the price, $5000 less than the Prius, it makes for a great deal. The downside to both of them being, the only people who drive them work for PETA and drink almond milk. The last person I saw in a Prius had a tattoo of Zooey Deschanel on their arm. Great gas mileage sounds awesome when you’re in the library… not in South Beach.
I’ve looked at cars all week and still haven’t made a choice. But in the end it probably won’t matter, as I’ll most likely sell it in a month to travel to another far away land… hopefully a place with a proper transit system.
Update: I’m buying a smart car. If I go to the dealership between 4pm-8pm they’re buy one get one free.
Another Update: No, of course I’m not buying a smart car. I’ve seen shopping carts bigger than them.