Once upon a time there was a man with a 25 inch penis. Any guy would be excited to have such a big penis, but this man was not. He went to get advice from friends and one told him about a witch who could help him and gave him directions to the witch’s Brooklyn apartment. The next day the man visited the witch and after telling the witch his problems she asked to she his penis. After showing her, she smiled, thought for awhile and finally came up with an answer. Go into the woods and find a frog. Ask the frog to marry you and each time it says no, your gigantic jewels will shrink 5 inches. The man quickly ran to the woods. After searching for an hour he finally found a frog. He ran up to it and asked it to marry him. “NO Thank You” the frog said. The man looked down and watched his penis go from 25 inches to 20. The man asked the frog two more times, and again, it replied no. Once he was at 15 inches he thought 10 inches would be perfect, so he went up to the frog and asked it to marry him. The frog replied.  How many times do I have to tell you. NO, NO, NO.”

This is a true story. I was this man.

Big Shot Out Going Out To LAUREN!!!

Daniel Dickey

Her large lumpy skin hung low over her tight daisy duke shorts. Her big pumpkin breasts, covered in yellow stretch marks, sagged to her wide hips. She lacked much pigment… really the only color to her fair and floppy skin was large spider veins and quarter sized blemishes on her sausage arms and hippo legs. Her hair was a nappy mess. It was similar to that of a resident of a trailer park (a ghetto one, not retirement one). Her teeth, what was left of them, stunk like rotting meat and most were stained with tar, dirt, and blood. A hairy pig nose that would make most humans vomit on themselves, sat in the middle of her pig face. She did have nice ears… of course they were shaped like the ears of a troll and/or large hobbit, but either way they were nice. Her sweaty neck, covered in acne, came together in the back to form a jumbo pack of ball park hot dogs (I don’t think they’re kosher). Was she wearing a tractor tire around her waste? No, that is just blob of belly fat. Did she eat dog food? She sure did look like it. The hair from her armpits was long, but braided… it showed she cares about her appearance and that’s important. She looked like a white gorilla. I could only imagine if I were to sniff her, she would smell similar to a rotting zebra carcass exposed to the heat of the African plains for several weeks. If she was ever to fart in a room of 70 people, surely 70 people would die slow horrible deaths. Barefoot I could see the horse hooves she tried to pass off as feet. The heals and skin, green with fungus, were a nice contrast to her untrimmed toenails, red as rust and jagged as a saw. This beast of a women might have weighed 600 pounds. She could easily eat a Volkswagen Bug. Her wheelchair was the size of a Mini Cooper. But I loved her. For some unknown, disturbing reason I couldn’t take my eyes off this large whale. Seeing her sloppy body my heart beat faster. She made my skin tingle. She made my cold, little baby penis warm with quickly circulating blood. She was the sun to my moon, the rain to my flower, the cheese to my bologna. She soon caught on to my sweet smiles and a puppy eyes from across the room. I knew this by the way she started flapping her arms and barking at me. She rolled up in her wheel chair and offered me some of the half eaten chicken bones on her lap. I smiled and had a bite. It tasted like sewer water smeared on a possum’s dick. I told her this, and she barked with laughter. “What made you think it was chicken?” she replied. I smiled and kissed her neck.

Changing my beautiful girlfriend’s diapers,

Daniel Dickey

Update: Click here to see what me and my fat love bug have been up to lately.

So while browsing the tube today (Tube meaning Television, not YouTube. I’m a old fashioned guy). I stopped on How It’s Made on Discovery Channel, this is a great channel in my opinion, because who doesn’t love to Discover things? They were showing how prosthetic limbs were made, something I’ve always been curious to know. Since birth I always presumed they were just dead peoples limbs with a new coat of skin paint. I couldn’t have been more wrong! There’s no such thing as skin paint. WTF, you think they would bother to tell us that sooner!

Back to the task at hand… or no hand if you are reading this because you thought it was An Informative Article on Buying Discounted Prosthetic Limbs, as I have so sneakily disguised the title. Sadly, this won’t help you purchase at fake hand at discount prices, but it will teach you how to write with your feet, which in some countries is considered magic. Houdini didn’t have hands, BUT he was an avid read of this blog. You make up your mind… be magic or be stupid? Your call.

Did you know prosthetic limbs can now operate by the push off a button? Usually I just push babies to get something to operate (note: This doesn’t help things operate, but does relieve my hatred of babies). Prosthetic limbs, which include, but is not limited to, arms, legs, hands, feet, firefly’s and ears are sooo fucking cool. While watching, or should I say Discovering, I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like having my very own prosthetic limb. AWESOME, I already knew the answer, but like to imagine. I pictured waking after a restful night of dreaming about fake limbs, I grabbed the piece of perfection, popped that thing on, and within minutes a dump truck pulled up with all the finest hunnies. I was like a piece of dog shit and they were the flies. They wanted me so bad. Why wouldn’t they, those limbs look so smooth and sexy. My limb was like my wing man, just we are both trying to have sex with the same dick. That’s two guys pulling in hunnies for one wang. Which is sort of like a orgy, which is sorta even better.

All of this has helped me come to the decision that I will be purchasing a prosthetic limb for every part of my body. Yes, even for my teeth. It might be the best decision of my entire life, or the worst, not sure yet, but leaning towards the best. Of course to pay for all of these I will have to use my student loans and that would mean I have to drop out of school. But who needs school when you’re prosthetic nipples can produce prosthetic breast milk? Do I plan to bottle and sell the milk for supplemented income? What do you think you’re drinking right now? That’s chocolate milk.

Side note: One of my fans asked me if I plan to get a prosthetic penis. To that I asked her to send me a mold of her vagina. Obviously to get her a prosthetic puss, so I could give her a proper prosthetic pounding. Oddly enough, she sent me mold from her vagina. Whatevs, I can just pound her in the bum.

ALSO I know a couple of blogs ago I spoke about my Ex Girlfriends stubby arm and some of you might take this as a blog devoted to belittling the limbless. That is far from the truth. This blog is about belittling anything I feel like belittling at the moment, not just limited to the limbless.

Daniel Dickey

There is a dirty dirty secret I have been hiding from my fans, my friends and my fellow cult enthusiast. I’ve wanted to talk about it for years, but couldn’t for fear of being stabbed with a knife. I still hold that fear, but no matter, today I come clean about all my dirt.

I used to date a girl with one arm (I know. Just take it in). She actually had one and a half arms–It nubbed off right below the elbow. I know what you’re probably thinking, I did this to show even major celebs like myself don’t mind being seen with the handicap. Not true at all. We never want to be seen with handicapped or deformed people. Fat people are fine, because they make us look and feel so much skinner. CELEBRITY SECRET – Many celebs hire fat people to stay by their side whenever they go out in public. They call them bodyguards, but anyone in the biz knows what’s going on. You’d be surprised what you see behind closed doors in Hollywood.

Back to my stubby armed ex. She sucked at football. She sucked at push ups. But what she REALLY sucked at was throwing her hands in the air at rap concerts. My avid readers already know that I’m very passionate about throwing my hands in the air at rap concerts. Not to mention not being able to enjoy Flo Rida’s awesome new rap song about throwing your hands in the Ayer Ayer Ayer. Sometimes I would get so frustrated at her lack of hands I would punch her right in the chin. But it wasn’t enough. So I’d hit her with some really hash verbal beatings–they hurt so much more.

After the beatings subsided I would console her with sweet words. Did God gave you a permanent Halloween costume? Are your the Hunchback of Notre Dame’s sister or just a really ugly alien? Tonight I gonna make you a real nice TV dinner and instead of me throwing the food at your face like always, I’m going to duck tape a fork to your nub and you can eat like a regular freak.

Looking back, I must admit there were defiantly some killer pluses in having a one armed monster, excuse me, I meant to say girlfriend. Though, I would often refer to her as a armless monster or the half T Rex. I’m overwhelmed with memories of a really really fun game I used to play with her. Whenever we would be in a public place I would point at her and yell as loud as I could, “look at that girl’s stubby arm, it’s so gross!” Man oh man I would laugh so hard every time. For her birthday last year I got her real drunk and convinced her to cover her nub in fake blood and run down the street as I chased her with an axe. That was a B Day for the record books. Another HUGE advantage of that ugly half arm was whenever it rained I could just tape the umbrella to her deformed limb. It worked like a charm. Speaking of charm, that stubbed arm sure did help spice the sex up. Like that time I tied her up, blind folded her and then held my Black and Decker table saw close to her other arm. We got so into it. I was yelling and laughing out, “I’m going to cut off your other arm and feed it to the lions.” (I own a pride of lions). And it was so sexy cause she was screaming, “OH MY GOD PLEASE LENNY. PLEASE YOU’RE FUCKING INSANE! UNTIE ME PLEASE! GOD DON’T CUT MY ARM OFF I’M BEGGING YOU!” So as you can see, a nubby arm has a way to spice up a bedroom.

Overall it didn’t work out. I just couldn’t stand being seen with a monster, it made me want to puke. Before her arm was cut off I didn’t mind her. But the moment after I threw the live chainsaw in our bed for a really good April fools joke and her arm was severed, things changed.

If your wondering if I fed the severed arm to my lions, I did not. I put it in the microwave to try and shrink it like a Doritos bag. The arm didn’t shrink. It actually made a pretty big mess. It took my girlfriend over two hours to clean up (It probably would of taken anybody else an hour, but she only has one arm).