Sometimes you know a girl is going to have sex with you. In my case, I know most of the time the girl is not going to have sex with me. But thankfully for my genitalia, last night I knew the girl I was bringing back to my apartment was going to have sex with me. What I didn’t know was that there would be choking, self induced spanking and a broken penis involved.

I just finished a busy day shift at work and was toying with the thought of going home and falling asleep to Will and Grace, when I got a text from a girl I recently meet in the Meat Packing District of Manhattan. She said she was in Union Square and wanted to know if we were still hanging out. I tried to remember when in the world I told her we’d hang out, but when it came down to it, I didn’t care. I hadn’t got some new poon in months and was getting sick and tired of buying my fat Russian neighbor Hot Pockets for handjobs (Whole Foods had a big sale on them last month and I bought 60).

Update: I deleted the rest of this blog because it really wasn’t that funny… and, well, also because a blond girl yelled at me for the inappropriateness of it.

So I’m out last night on 16th street, doing what I do best, drinking beer and getting sloppy. After my fifth or sixth Bass Ale I start talking shit to one of the girls at our table. I don’t really know her, she’s a friend of a friend… but I’m drunk and have the beer confidence to see what this tall brunette was all about.

• Me: What’s your name?
• Her: Me?
• Me: (pointing to a fat lady throwing up by the pinball machine) No, I was talking to her… but if you really want, I guess you could tell me your name too.
• Her: You sure? I wouldn’t want you’re girlfriend to get jealous (she points at the vomiting pinball lady).
• Me: Na she won’t mind. We’re in an open relationship. She lets me flirt with fine ass chicks like you and I let her throw up on stuff.
• Her: I see.
• Me: You know what I see? Your pretty hands haven’t touched your beer in five minutes.
• Her: Because I don’t like how it taste.
• Me: Of course you don’t like how it taste… you let that douche with a tribal tattoo on his arm buy it for you (I point to the guy who bought her the beer. He is jumping around the dance floor like a douche, taking pictures of himself with his iPhone). Why don’t you let me buy you an orange juice and then I’ll fill it up with the bottle of vodka in my bag?
• Her: (shaking her head) You’re bad.
• Me: And you were?
• Her: (grinning) Daniella.

The night only got smoother from there and before long this chick was sitting on my lap laughing, while I threw pretzels at a group of smelly Polish guys. She was my height and had the legs of a volleyball player. I wanted to try and show off by feeling her up in the bar, but all of my friends had already left, as they were all pissed that I convinced this fine piece of woman to rub my leg and drink cheap vodka from my backpack. So I decided to skip the boob grab, and, if this girl was drunk enough to let me (I have a big nose and a balding Jew fro, so I’m always confused when a girl is willing to have sex with me) sex her up. After a couple more cups of OJ she asked me where I lived.

• Me: Brookyln.
• Her: L train?
• Me: You know it. You?
• Her: L train.
• Me: Sounds like a party.

We left the bar and started heading for the hipster limousine (the L train). Once on the train we start talking about whose house we’re going to go to. I told her we couldn’t go to my place because I’m living at a friends house until my million dollar penthouse on Kent Ave. is ready.

• Her: You’re lying.
• Me: Yes I am.

We get off at Lorimer and stumbled back to her place. At this point I’m all about laying her out (I ate a bunch of fruit for lunch so I got a boner hard enough to do pull ups on). I follow her inside, she brings me to her room and tells me she’ll be right back (I’ve come to realize this is normal with women. I assume they’re making sure they’re vag is clean. I only assume this because one time a girl didn’t say, “I’ll be right back” and we went straight into hooking up. Well, when her little panties came off and I got a whiff of the rot that was her twat I was forced to hit her in the face with a feathered pillow and walk out of the apartment. I was pretty happy Daniella said, “I’ll be right back”). I was in my boxers trying on her rain boots when she came out of the bathroom a couple minutes later. She was in a matching bra and thong, holding an industrial sized bottle of Pine-Sol. She didn’t look as innocent as before… she was looking naughty… I dig naughty.

• Her: You see this?
• Me: The giant bottle of Pine-Sol?
• Her: I want you to dip your dick in it and use it as lubricant.
• Me: (cannot believe what she just said) Wha… what? I’m all about being clean too, but I ain’t dipping my dick in nothing but cake frosting and your mouth. So chill out with–
• Her: You don’t have a choice. It turns me on. I get off to the smell of it.
• Me: That’s great… after I cum, I’ll mop the floor.
• Her: No! I can’t have an orgasm unless I smell cleaning products.
• Me: Cool. Dip your nose in it while smack your ass, because that is not going on me.
• Her: What about dish detergent? Would you let me sprinkle some dish detergent on your balls (she goes into her night stand and pulls out a box of Palmolive).
• Me: No you can’t sprinkle some dish detergent on my balls. You can put some lotion on them and rub them gently. Maybe let me dangle them in your mouth while–
• Her: What about rubbing alcohol?
• Me: What about it?
• Her: Will you drink it right before you cum?

This chick was nuts. Not to be misconstrued, I’m totally up for trying new things sexually, but anyone woman who asks you to put your genitals in a toxic cleaning solution is off the wall. But as you know, I’m not about letting anyone go unhappy… I let her give me head while I sprayed her in the face with Windex. It was cool and my balls got super clean. I’m going to invite her over on my next day off… gonna fuck her while I clean the bath tub.

Mopping the floor,

Daniel Dickey

The setting: It’s late in the night, almost morning. Myself and a lady friend are naked in her plump purple bed. We’re kissing (I’m drooling and she’s using much too much tongue) and about to transition from foreplay into sex when I find the urge to ask…

• Me: Did you ever think when you met me that one day we’d be laying in your bed, at 4am, naked, while you massaged my balls?
• Her: (Rolling her eyes, as she was enjoying the soft sensual mood) Danny, you’re such an idiot.
• Me: I’m just saying. The first day you saw me did you ever think, “one day I’m going massage that guys balls.”
• Her: No. The first day I met you I thought you were an idiot.
• Me: Then nothings changed… well, except for your warm hands and my smooth balls becoming acquainted.
• Her: Danny we’re about to have sex. Why don’t you try shutting up for a minute.
• Me: A minute? Who do you think I am? I’ll have you know we’re going to be having sex for at least two minutes.

She starts kissing me again and within a minute she begins tickling my handsome testicles. I get bored, flick her nipples and laugh. She tries to ignore this and wraps her legs around me. Before my pener can say hello to poon…

• Me: You going to flip over this time?
• Her: (Sighing in frustration) What?
• Me: I’m saying… you’re going to take it from the back this time. Or you can get on top. But I’m not doing all the work again.
• Her: What are you talking about?
• Me: What am I talking about? Last time you just laid there all comfortable, panting like a Chihuahua trying to cool off, while I was pounding away trying not to pull an calf muscle. It’s your turn to do some of the work.
• Her: I do do some of the work.
• Me: Remembering to take your birth control pills is not work. So I just want you to know before anything starts, half of tonight’s sex I will be laying on my back, hands behind my head, yelling stuff at you.
• Her: What are you going to be yelling?
• Me: I don’t know. Make me a sandwich… get me a Gatorade… give me a pedicure. Whatever I feel like yelling.
• Her: Fine, but the other half you’re going to be on top.
• Me: Deal. But if I pull another muscle you’re going to give me a massage… and not just my balls… a full body massage. My back, my feet, my ears, whatever.

She starts to kiss me again. The hot dog goes in the bun and before any ketchup comes out…

• Me: Remember that first night we hooked up on one of those duck boats in Central Park? Did you think…
• Her: Damn it Danny! Shut upppppppppppp!

Needless to say she’s invited me over to her house a lot more lately,

Daniel Dickey

With one hand holding her full B cup boobs, the other brushing the hair out of her face, a naked girl got out of my bed and began collecting her scattered clothes. She was a cute, strawberry blond, with pretty feet and a helluva’ ass. As she tiptoed across the room and bent over to pick up her bra, I said:

• Me: Why don’t you leave that here?
• Naked Girl: What… My bra?
• Me: (I point at a hook in my wall holding 20+ bras). Yeah… something to remember you by.
• Naked Girl: (Giggling) Well wasn’t the sex something to remember me by?
• Me: Yeah, but I want something good to remember you by. (Her sleepy eyes shot open) I’m just kidding… I’ll remember the sex too.
• Naked Girl: (Relieved) Ok. (After a moment) Wait… you’ll remember it as something good or something bad?
• Me: (I don’t respond. I just laid there naked, massaging the pouch my testicles call home)
• Naked Girl: Danny last night was good! I… You… We both came, and it was… wow.
• Me: Yeah it was good. I just…
• Naked Girl: You just what?
• Me: I just was really distracted. (She waits for me to say more) I haven’t seen Lost this week and I couldn’t stop thinking about Jack and Sawyer (characters from Lost.. or maybe some hot man meat from the West Village). But it was still really good.
• Naked Girl: Yeah?
• Me: Yeah. (She senses something in my voice) well… I uh… I faked it.
• Naked Girl: Faked what?
• Me: My orgasm. I faked it.
• Naked Girl: But you came all over my tits.
• Me: Yeah, it was fake.
• Naked Girl: (As she hangs her bra with the rest) How could a guy fake it?
• Me: You had your eyes closed… I just threw some milk on you.
• Naked Girl: Oh my.
• Me: Yeah, I do it all the time.

She she left shorty after and I went back to sleep.

I’ll always remember her (B 34 Victoria’s Secret pink polka dot bra).

She was an idiot.

Daniel Dickey

2010 is all about creativity. (At least for now.) I’m only working enough to pay for my rent, expenses and monthly metro card. (Visa has been paying for my excessive drinking…LOL those fools think I’m going to pay them back…suckers.) My newfound hippie-like lifestyle, obviously a product of living in Williamsburg, Brooklyn for 18 months, is a drastic change from the financially savvy, business-bound overachiever I was when I first moved to New York. Do not be mistaken, I still have and won’t touch my savings account, (I don’t care what beer they have on tap.) I’m just currently more interested in making deposits in my creative bank account…unfortunately I can’t pay my rent with it.

I’ve been channeling all my free time into anything and everything artistic. Whether it’s writing, filming, drawing, tap dancing, (Ok, I’m not tap dancing.) and even cooking. Yes cooking can be imaginative! I’ve experimentally been inviting girls over and attempting to look like a capable chef while boiling and baking (really I’ve only cooked for one girl, but you always want to keep them on their toes. Sometimes I text message myself sexy things just to let girls know I’m high in demand. Of course stating that here just ruined everything).

Girl: Danny, I really don’t think that’s a good idea.
• Me: Nah, it’s fine. I got this shit.
Girl: Let’s just drink beer. We’ll drink wine next time.
Me: Next time? I don’t even know your last name. I can do this.
• Girl: It’s just anytime I’ve ever seen someone try to do this, they end up covered in wine.
• Me: That’s because they weren’t as smart as me. Don’t worry.

Within thirty seconds of my cocky remark, everything within a 10 foot radius of the bottle was splattered with red wine, including my white shirt and my white walls. The girl looked at me as if to say “see.” I looked back to say “shut it, trick.” BUT IÂ did get the extra large bottle of wine open, and despite the floating bits of cork in it, we drank it out of coffee cups I stole from a comedy club. The food, though a little cold after having sat out while I changed shirts and cleaned up wine, was pretty good for my first time. And after finishing it and the bottle wine, a couple currently crashing on my couch knocked on my door. I let them in, grabbed those beers and took the party back to my room.

“Tickle, tickle!” was the first thing she said as she tried tickling me. I laughed, not because I was ticklish, but because I knew I would repeat that same thing as I tickled her poon with my peener. We continued to carry out some sort of drunk wrestling/dry sexing all while I blabbered and she let me squeeze her tight soccer ass. (I love tight tushes.) Understand I was pretty drunk at this point and from here on things start becoming very spotty. I recall being on top of her and saying,

Me: You’re a trouble maker.
Girl:Â You’re a trouble maker.
• Me: See we have so much in common…even more reason to take our pants off.

She just smiled. That’s the signal. SCORE MOTHER FUCKER! SCORE!!!!!! The next thing I remember I was on top of her, my pants still on, boner at 60%, her shirt was off, and she was wearing a sexy zebra print bra. I think I started unbuttoning her pants when she blurted out:

• Girl: I’m not on birth control!
Me: (laughing) …Did you think we we’re going to have sex? I was just curious to see if you have a matching zebra thong on.
Girl: (nervously backtracking) Um, I, uh…
Me: I’m kidding…we’re totally going to fuck.

I then recall staring down at a healthy pair of boobs and I couldn’t figure out why my penis felt so good. I look lower…oh, because I’m having sex! (I wish every time I woke up I was having sex with a girl I’ve wanted to see naked for quite sometime.) After about five minutes I start thinking “well, I gotta do what I do best, so up goes the leg and here comes the…WAIT!!!! I have to pee. What the fuck, I’m just getting started. Oh my God I have to pee so bad! Didn’t I pee earlier? Why do I pee so much?”

I run to the bathroom and almost pop a blood vessel trying to pee so fast. Of course while urinating I lean to the left, look in my freshly-polished mirror and smile…I love naked women in my bed. I straighten back up and pee all over the seat. Fuck it, I’m done. I run back, stepping on the couch couple’s cell phone. The guy wakes up and smiles as he see my nut sack fly by his face. “Why’d he smile?” I wonder. I go back into my room to see that the girl is standing up.

I give her a towel and she hops away. I then have a conversation with my penis that could have very easily taken place between a soldier and another soldier who was just shot and about to die.

At this point this girl has been gone for like five minutes. I understand you want to be sexy and pretty and do whatever it is that girls do but really, my dick has already been in you… you’ve impressed me enough. Get the fuck out of the bathroom! I start to feel things changing.

I actually made the symbol noises as well. Of course any guy reading this is going to state the obvious. Well, hind sight is 20/20 and I was blind in the moment. God/Darwin/Aliens gave women a mouth, hands, nose, and even ears just to keep penis’s hard…but really I was just so drunk and annoyed that I didn’t even care. I threw the stupid condom at the door, pinched her nipple really hard, laid down and started telling her all my favorite movies…I fell asleep once she started naming hers.

I figured I’d just claim my king status next time she came over. See, even when you have a good bat, you need the right pitch to hit it out of the park. Well I’ve never missed an all star game, so I was bound to be MVP next time. I got this shit.

Update: The next time she came over ended with a mild panic attack, her wanting to become a nun and me drooling all over her face. 2010 is really turning out to be my year with women.

Another Update: I banged out a way hotter girl that following night. (I’m lying…but I’m not going to tell her that. You always got to keep them on their toes.)

Making a doctors appointment to get birth control,

Daniel Dickey

As I shut the door behind me, she climbed onto the bed. The other two girls were still in the kitchen finishing off our third bottle of wine. It was 3 in the morning, I was deep in Brooklyn, and a very drunk girl had just told me I looked tired and should probably accompany her back to her room. (I wasn’t tired… but letting a girl go to her room by herself was not something I was about to let happen.)

The room was large and well decorated, despite a very shitty purple paint job. Her little ugly dog had followed us in and was sitting on one of the pillows licking his tiny dog wiener. She on the other hand was licking her lips as she motioned for me to come lay next to her. Surveying the situation I sat at the edge of the bed. Taking notice she said:

• Her: Why are you sitting on the edge of the bed? Come lay close to me… it’s cold.
• Me: Thing is, if I’m gonna lay in a bed, then I’m gonna have to be doing some fucking.
• Her: And?

I smiled and laid back, pushing the stupid little dog out of my way. She had no idea what she was getting herself into. She wanted to take a ride, but this poon pilot only flys jets… and occasionally when I’m on LSD, spaceships.

Laying back on the comfortable bed, I spread my legs and used both of my middle fingers to point at my package. She giggled and jumped on top of me, attempting to be sexy. Without hesitation she went in for a kiss and I slapped her right in the jaw.

• Her: Oh you wanna get rough, huh?
• Me: I’m down for whatever…just don’t try to kiss me until you’ve brushed your teeth.

Her lips on my neck, she said not to move. I knee’d her in the vagina and pushed her head towards the party in my pants.

• Her: But I want to surprise you.

There would be no surprise… my dick was going to end up in her mouth and then when I decided the time was right, I would clap my hands twice and bend her over. BUT knowing that girls want to feel involved and sexy, I let her lick my nipples and blow hot air on my balls.

After my balls were hella warm, she pinned my hands behind my head and she took off her shirt, revealing monster titties. Admittedly, I didn’t expect her bowling ball boobs to be so nice (I’m not a boob guy, but I was now totally thinking that those would be a great landing area for my jet fuel). She kissed down my stomach until her mouth was pressed against my Hebrew dragon. As I do every time I’m about to let the beast out I yelled:

• Me: ROARRRRRRRRR!!!!

I looked down and watched my dick disappear into her mouth. Not the head, not half of the shaft, she used some sort of magic and made the whole thing disappear. It’s not everyday you meet a chick that knows how to kiss a snake…I was liking this. I actually enjoyed it so much that I started yelling things like, “Oh hot damn girl”, “You so crazy” and “Mother fucker I feel like dancing.” She was definitely paying full fare to ride this plane and I was about to upgrade her to first class…on the house.

After a little while of playing, “where’d my dick go,” she pulled down her pants showing off her gorgeous tush, plumply poking out of her black and pink lace thong. I was naked except for my black dress socks pulled high up to my calves. Taking notice of them, she said:

• Her: Take those off… they’re so not sexy.

My feet were cold and I didn’t give a fuck what she thought was sexy. So when she tried to take them off anyway, I kicked her in the stomach. She fell off the bed and the little bitch dog started barking. I heard her sniffling on the floor.

• Me: Man up baby. I told you not to touch my socks.
• Her: You’re right daddy, I’m sorry.
• Me: Don’t be sorry. Every flight has some turbulence. Just hop up on this bed and make it clap.

I strolled around the room looking for a condom, as she laid on the bed touching herself. She moaned out:

• Her: You don’t need a condom. It feels soooo much better raw.

No shit it feels better. Do you know what doesn’t feel good though? Herpes. Herpes feels like shit and therefore I would be using a condom. (I have made an oath with myself, and I recommend it to all of you, use condoms, unless it’s your girlfriend/boyfriend and you’re 100% sure they don’t have warts on their gentiles.)

Back to the fucking… I was still drunk off the wine and really felt like tearing this little southern belle up. I grabbed her hips and watched it slide in like candy (It just got sweeter from there). We were going at it, legs up, legs down, one leg up, one leg down, side ways, upside down, and then I announced, “You shall turn over and put that ass in the air.” She started looking worried.

• Me: Que Pasa Mufasa?
• Her: I’m scared. It’s gonna hurt.
• Me: What you talking about? Flip over and get funky with me.
• Her: It’s so big… I can feel it in my stomach.
• Me: Good. You won’t get hungry afterward.

With my reassuring words she kindly put her face to the pillow and ass in the air. That’s when things started getting fun. There was hair in the air, feet pounding the floor, and fingers in places… well they were in some interesting places. She was covering her mouth, as the noises she was making sounded like an elephant fucking a flamingo. She didn’t want the other girls to hear. I explain to her that before I followed her into the room I told them I was going to fuck you and they both needed to decide who was next. She relaxed.

We had been going at it for quite sometime when we paused for a pee break. She peed, I peed, I told her to give me another condom. She pretended like there weren’t anymore. She obviously didn’t realize that I’m the king of bullshit and know when a little lady is lying.

• Me: Ok that’s fine. I’m just going to go have one of the other girls give me head then. It was nice meeting you though.
• Her: (pretending to look somewhere new) Oh look! I just found one! How lucky.

Yeah, lucky you are getting some more of this handsome dick right here. I was back ‘in the zone’… which means I’m an animal. So when her rat dog climbed onto the bed and started fucking my foot, I could care less. The more people I could get off, the better. She had a clapper light and as my balls smacked the bottom of her ass the lights would turn off and on. Someone looking at the window from the outside would think there was a strobe light on. Her nails were digging deep into my back, her dog was licking his cum off my feet, and I was getting ready to let loose. I waited till I felt her ready to squirt and gave her ‘the jackhammer’.

• Her: Oh my God, you have to stop, my pussy is going to explode.
• Me: BOOM mother fucker BOOM.
• Her: AHHH!! I’m cumming!!
• Me: As am I, as am I.

It was some good sex and a good night. BUT I couldn’t sit around and answer her questions like, “Do you even know my name?” and “What are you doing tomorrow?” There were two other drunk girls that I made a promise to. I gave her a hand hug and kissed the dog goodbye. I was on to greater things… a threesome in the kitchen.

Sexing up the world,

Daniel Dickey

The colorful evening sky was filled with bright purples and soft pinks as the sun fell behind the clouds. The crisp night air was cool and the gentile breeze felt good against my exposed light brown ball sack. I was drunk and dangling my shaved testicle pouch over the eyelids of my barely conscience friend…who had passed out minutes after I dared him to drink a cup filled with gasoline. It was Wednesday, hump day, and we were trying to get our hump on. We hoped to meet some nice cougars that would take back to their mansion and give us blow jobs, all while we bought expensive things on amazon.com with their husband’s credit cards. But now my friend was almost dead and that wasn’t going to help me get any action. I did what any other man friend would do…I left him in a parking lot with a sign that said, “Please pee on me. I love urine” and walked off.

I was now alone to cruise this large sports bar in the middle of a upper middle class suburban community. Most of the women were being wooed by older rich men with dockers pants and cheese-ball hair cuts. The kind of men that couldn’t grow a beard until they were 40 and drink Samuel Adams beer because it makes them feel more ‘New England’. It didn’t faze me though, I’m a gangster. I saw three prime targets. One was a tall brunette, probably in her mid thirties, a real executive/MBA in business type of woman, the type to fuck you and fire you right after. The second was a little older than I was used to, she was 70, but I could tell she had money, real old money. I couldn’t see the face or body of the last girl…but I could see she was sitting in a booth alone and I could only assume she was a cutie. I was ready to party.

I walked up to the first chica and introduced myself as,

• “Handsome. Handsome, with a gorgeous penis. What’s your name?”

She stared me up and down, and without saying a word she grabbed my package. Immediately her eyes lit up and she ordered a full glass of Scotch. After downing the Stoch in one shot she replied,

• “I’m Brenda, but you can call me dirty things”.
• Confused I asked, “Pause. Rewind. You want me to call you ‘dirty things’ or are you saying I can call and say dirty things to you like, Your pussy looks like Jimmy Neutron’s face?”
• “Either or. Listen my husband is going to be meeting me here in a half an hour. Do you wanna fuck me in his Escalade? Its got 26’s on it.”

This lady was cutting straight to the point and I liked it. Normally I wouldn’t fuck in a Escalade, as I’m more into fucking in the trunks of BMWs, but the 26’s really sold me. I had her tell the bartender all my drinks for the rest of the night would be on her tab and then I took her out to the truck and gave that kosher Chimmy Canga (she wasn’t as good as I thought she’d be…I did nut all over the windshield, which was awesome).

I walked back into the sports bar knowing I could order whatever I wanted, but still felt the need to go after the old women. She was at the bar simultaneously smoking a cigarette and breathing through an oxygen mask. She had on a gold American Apparel body suit and by the sag in her ass I could tell she wasn’t wearing any under wear. When I got close enough, I spit on my finger and stuck it in her ear. She perked up real quick, as she could sense I knew how to please a women, and then began taking off her body suit.

• “Wait baby. Wait. First tell me how much money you have in the bank?”
• Licking her lips, she replied, “Enough to buy you a yacht like P Diddy.”

She knew I loved yachts! We got a booth and IÂ ordered a bottle of their finest champagne…on the cougars tab of course.

As we waited for the bottle to arrive I felt grandma’s cold foot sliding up my leg. She was very small, so as her foot went higher up my leg, she sunk down under the table. By the time her foot was fucking my dick, all I could see was her little grandma afro just bouncing around. This kept up for sometime and in attempts to double my pleasure I threw things in her hair until the bubbly arrived (mostly paper, salt, and a couple forks). When the waiter walked up she popped up from her seat and barked at him like hungry bird. He jumped back, almost dropping the bottle, and looked at me confused. I started to assured him everything was ok, but grandma thought otherwise…

• “It took 5 minutes for that bottle to get here. I remember when you’d order something and it would just appear in front of you immediately.”
• The scared waiter replied,”I don’t think that was ever possible”.
• “Of course it’s possible, you fool”.
• “I’m sorry ma’am, but that is definitely impossible”.
• “Bitch you want me to jump out this seat and make you suck my tittie? (Holding her arms out) Shut your mouth then. You scrawny little carrot looking dork. It’s possible”
• I jumped in mostly because I thought it was funny, but also because I wanted her to finish giving my a footjob under the table, “No I’m pretty sure that’s not possible. Maybe you saw it on a episode of the Jetsons.”

She shrugged her shoulders, the waiter left and she began giving me a footjob again. Her little old feet were softer than anything I’ve ever felt. Even for a Stallion like myself, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by the pleasure these wrinkly toes were giving me. She used her feet similar to a monkey. She was able to stroke my shaft with one foot, as she massaged my balls with the toes on the other foot. Sipping my Moet, I closed my eyes and leaned back into the booth. I was feeling like a bear with a bucket of honey.

When I next opened my eyes I saw the rest of her head had disappeared under the table. Still enjoying her foot wrapped around my penis like a banana, I wondered what she would do to me next. Of all things I expected I did not imagine hearing the loud yelp she let out. It sounded like a horny hyena going into heat. The patrons of the restaurant looked at me confused and disgusted…the table cloth blocked grandma, and everyone assumed this devilish noise cam from me.

• “I’m sorry I’m just really hungry” I said. No one believed this and I quickly added, “and I just had a baby”.

To that a couple people smiled, though one man gave me the finger and then proceeded with combing his hair and drinking his Samuel Adams. This old bitch was now punching the bottom of the table with her first. As I threw a piece of bread at her, assuming she was hungry, I felt her hand breeze past my balls and try to squeeze itself between my soft ass cheeks. “Woooooahh” I yelled out like I was trying to calm and wild horse. She obviously didn’t understand this was not something I was into, because immediately after IÂ moaned out, she punched me in the stomach and bit my calf muscle. What was going on here? I bent over sideways to pull up the table cloth and that little golden girl slipped two of her aged fingers into my ass. “Ahhhhhh” I screamed as my balloon knot was punctured for the first time. What was this Barbara Walters looking weirdo doing? I thought she was going to buy me a yacht, but all she wanted to do was sail into my ass. I bent under the table, as I looked her in the eye…did IÂ mention she only had one?

• “What kind of shit are you trying to pull here?”
• “Yo no abla English.”
• “You stuck your fingers in my ass without asking. What If I stuck something in your ass without asking?’
• “Depends on what it was. If it was a Shark then I’d probably be a little annoyed, but if it was a lamp or lets say your tongue I’d be all smiles.”
• I realized throughout all of this her feet were still wrapped around my penis. “Listen just finish the job and I need to go.”
• “Excuse me? Finish the job and go? You think I’m some college freshman that doesn’t know how this works? I’ma tell you whats going to happen. I’m going to finish jerking up off with my feet and you’re going to ejaculate into my purse, and then you’re going to come back to my place and…”

I couldn’t listen to this wacko anymore and I hit her on the forehead with my soup spoon. It didn’t hurt her, but confused her enough to let my cock go free from the restrains of her monkey feet. I quickly got up and told a short Mexican busser that if he sat down at my booth he could drink the rest of the champagne for free. He did, and not a minute later I heard the yelp come from under the table once again.

I saw Brenda at the bar with her husband. He was hooting at a hockey game so I knew he was for sure a douche bag (anyone who watches hockey is a douche bag) and I was happy I nutted all over the windshield of his Escalade. Already hammered, I ordered a couple more drinks (by a couple I mean 16) and I decided I was gonna go after the last available girl in the bar. I knew I would be too hammered to talk by the time I finished all the drinks, so I wrote a note on a drink napikin saying how beautiful I thought this girl was and how bad I wanted to go home with her and start a family…in her mouth. By the time the note was done I was barely alive, but I some how managed to walk over to her booth and pass out holding the letter.

Looks like I got real lucky…she can’t wait to start a family. She added me on Facebook this morning…above is her display pic.

Daniel Dickey

The large room smelt of peanut butter and tequila. I was drunk, but also very hungry for the butter made from peanuts(not to be confused with the butter made from penis…I did not want that). Our clothes were scattered across the floor…except for my socks, I stapled those to her wall(I’m tired of losing my socks at girl’s places and in my drunk undressing, stapling them to the wall seemed like a genius idea). I met her at a bar on 50th street. She was throwing up outside. I called her beautiful and asked if she’s ever been to Italy. She smiled, threw up again, and asked if I wanted to go back to her place. I started unbuttoning my shirt.

Her goose down comforter was torn and goose features flew around the room as I fucked this little Asian’s vag out. She kept insisting on only having sex missionary style so she could see my eyes (weirdo). I told her her breath smelt like battery acid and spider shit and to turn around. She did and I continued my drunk attempt to look like the porn stars I watch on an hourly basis on my iPhone. I will say, I was doing a great job…so good in fact, that I started to get a little sea sick. Did she have a water bed? Wait, we were on her kitchen table. I wanted to distract myself from my nausea so I did what most people would do and started pulling her hair. At first she jerked her head forward and yelped like a small dog, but I held tight and kept her in my reins. I began pulling tighter and with every tug I could tell she was starting to enjoy it a little more. I figured if she liked that, maybe she might like ‘other things’.

That’s when I started talking dirty to her, real dirty. “oh you likey me?” and “me makey your kitty kat purr so nice ” she replied, “why are you talking like that? I’ve already told you twice I’m from San Francisco, I’m not Asian, I’m white”. She was lying. Her eyes were way too small and chinky, but maybe, just maybe she was looking for a little roll playing? “oh you bad bad girl, you get big spanky from daddy…your Irish daddy(said in a terrible Irish accent)” Why not? She replied with, “well, tell me I look as pretty as Susan Sarandon”. What did she just say? Did she really just tell me to tell her she looks as pretty as Susan Sarandon? This bitch was fucking insane…who thinks Susan Sarandon is pretty? She played the mom with cancer in Step Mom. BUT once I’m humping around I do what has to be said or done to get the job done right. “Yeah, yeah you look just like Susan Sarandon. You guys have the same…toes” She screamed in delight. “When I first met you I thought you were Susan Sarandon. I was just coming up to ask for your autograph”. With her eyes closed in pleasure, she scream, “Oh my God, I’m going to cum. Don’t stop. Don’t stop”. I didn’t know much about Susan Sarandon and was sorta running out of things to say. “And you know who else you look like…that actress…um”. Her little Asian eyes got larger as she yelled, “Who, Who? Tell me who I look like?” “You know that one from that movie…she’s soooo pretty”. “Tell me! Tell me! I’m going to cum”. “Um, that real pretty one, um…Morgan Freeman?” There was a long, very silent pause with no movement. Then she turned, looked me dead in the eyes, “I just came all over the table cloth”.

I hadn’t cum at that point, but opted out of a blowjob and just got dressed. She asked where I was going…I told her I thought she was the real Susan Sarandon and felt really betrayed. Though disappointed to see me go, she understood and said, “I understand”. Within 10 minutes I was back at the bar ordering a Blueberry Stoli and Ginger Ale with my friends. When questioned where I was for the last half hour I told them I was drunk texting my dad outside. They were all hammered and didn’t bother nor care to question the authenticity of my story…until I sat down and my pants rode up over my ankles. A friend of mine took notice, “Dude why the hell aren’t you wearing any socks?”. Fuck.