Kanye West,

You are an arrogant, egotistical, pretentious fool of a man. Your talents as a entertainer are diminished by your foul flaws as a person. Your obnoxious actions and shameless self-absorbed behavior are true examples of your pompous ego and are unrelenting reminders of how not to carry ourselves as adults. The general masses in America, and the world for that matter, find the most satisfaction supporting one of their own. We experience gratification seeing one similar to ourselves succeed, as it suggest the same is possible for us. But Mr. Kanye West you are unlike any other. I would think it safe to assume you would take that statement as a compliment, wearing it as a badge of your inability to create mediocrity, when really it should be a hood, used to cover your face from the shame you continue to bring upon yourself. Your childlike temper tantrums are not only crass and uncultured, but hideously embarrassing to you and those around you, causing many to question your mental state. I do not know you personally and therefore will not try to analyze what or who you are at your core, but judging by the flawed figure you present yourself as, you are a rotten, bitter centered man. One can only hope your sold out concerts stay sold out, or maybe, just maybe, you might be forced to come to terms with your ugly persona.

Watch the video here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4dXqrdyAs0

Disgusted by your lack of respect for you and those around you,

Daniel Dickey

The new hulk is here.

Did you just read that? If not, read it again, because ladies and gentlemen, people of the world, IT’S TIME!

Hulk fucking Hogan, I, Daniel Dickey, am challenging you to a public duel. A brutal beat down in front of the masses. A personal pummeling while the people of the world watch. I have decided that I want, need, must have in order to live, the name Hulk Hogan and if you want to keep it, oh boy you better be prepared to fight. This is no joke. I’m a monster right now. I plan to beat you into the ground like a little worm and then I’m going to shave off your mustache. I’m going to break your face with my fist. I’m going to smash your ass with my foot. I am the Hulk now!

I will be the first to admit I was a huge fan as a child. I idolizes your killer biceps, your platinum blond hair, and of course, the way you ripped your shirt in half like it was made out of toilet paper. As a youth I would sit, eyes lock on the TV, watching you smash your foolish challengers until they tapped out for mercy or were knocked out for the count. Macho Man Randy Savage, pussy. The Ultimate Warrior, dick sucker. Vader, cheeseball. You on the other hand, with your body tanned like a 60 year old Jewish grandmother living in Boca Raton, you my idol, were a hero, a legend. But every hero, every legend, can only last so long. Your time has come. I’m going you grab you by the few pieces of hair you have left and smash your face into the top turnbuckle. I’m going to suplex your saggy body onto the floor. I’m going to fuck your daughter. Your time has come and gone and now it’s my time to be the king, be the champion, BE THE HULKINATOR!

As well as posting this on my blog I am sending this letter to your agent, publicist, ex wife, and mailman. You have one month from today to reply to my challenge or you will forfeit the name Hulk Hogan and will have to go back to your birth name, Terry. If you do have the cahonas to reply, I suggest you get in shape. Because exactly six weeks after your reply we will brawl in front of the entire world, in my mother’s pool area (I don’t really have the connections to get a arena and ring/cage. Maybe you could talk to some people?) Either way I’m going to CRUSH you. Knees, broken. Head, smashed. Ribs, cracked. Name, stolen. If Hogan really knows what’s best, you better run, run far far away… because the Danny train is coming and it’s only making one stop…in your face(oddly enough, I said that same thing to my ex girlfriend, but we were talking about something totally different.)

Side Note: With the letter I’ve also enclosed a special edition DVD of Mr. Nanny. I would greatly appreciate it if you could autograph it and bring to the brawl. Thanks so much.

Doing Six Thousand Push ups,

Daniel Dickey

Soulja Boy Tell Em. I’m going to take a second to let that name sink in.

I’m gonna need another minute to let it sink…hold on.

I’ve seen the pictures of you, I’ve heard the music, and it leaves me with so many questions, concerns, and comments that I’m finding it difficult to figure out where to begin.

I guess first and foremost would be education, or lack there of. Now it’s to my understanding that you became famous when you were 11, which is obviously why you dropped out of Elementary school. But my question lies in your speech and diction. Millions of people have heard the verbal misscommunications and oral flaws you have improperly spoken on your songs, if you can refer to them as such, but have you ever listened to them? Really, have you ever listened to your own music (I use the word ‘music’ very loosely when it comes to the Camel urine you release as ‘music’) ? What the fuck are you saying? Is there a message you are trying to communicate? Asides from the systematical grunts and moans to the beat, is there anything you are trying to say? Do you parents speak like this? Do you know your parents? Are you yourself a parent?

I noticed that cutting edge fashion statement you made with your glasses. So genius. After completing the task of writing ‘Soulja Boy’ on your glasses with white out, did you feel accomplished? At anytime did you sit back, look at your glasses, and think, ‘Wow, I’m a genius. I’m such a smart smart genius’. I’m truly surprised it wasn’t named a complete masterpiece in the fashion world. I totally thought it would be the next movement out of Rome and Paris, or at least down in the Magnolia projects.

Since the dawning days of music there has always been one hit wonders. They all made songs that were extremely catchy and dominated the radio waves for months. After their time is up both the public and musicians equally respect what has happened, and neither play the song for 6 – 11 years. Why? Because after 6 – 11 years the song automatically becomes cool again, mainly because your brain has forgotten how much you previously hated it. Examples: Hootie and the Blowfish, Spin Doctors, Vanilla Ice, Deon Sanders (Well maybe not Deon Sanders). Now here lies the point of this paragraph. You had a one hit wonder. That’s it. You’re career is over. You need to take the 40 billion dollars you made on itunes and move to Jamacia. Why are you still here? Why are you harassing my ears? What do you want from us? Maybe in 6 – 11 years young Jewish boys can look back and wonder why the fuck they convinced Grandma Ester to do the Soulja Boy at their Bar Mitzvah, but that is the extent of your reigns over the small minded American population (Not to be misconstrued, not all of the American population is small minded, just those that did the Soulja Boy).

Also, I can not avoid the reality that you have enough money in your pocket to buy my blog and turn it into a a e-candy store that specialises in selling dick shaped lolli pops. Would you eat the Grape flavor? I’d go for Cherry. Nor will I denine while working as a Bar Mitzvah MC I’ve done the Soulja Boy on multiple occasions, but be assured every time I did it I wondered what my life has come to. And though I hate everything about you and the song, I was semi happy that the dance did not require much rhythm, because as a Jewish man, rhythm is not something held in my life’s arsenal. You my friend are the herpes sore on the tip of America’s dick. You have taken American popular music and turned it into the asshole of a gay Lamb. Please invest your money into a education, a speach pathologist, and posion…to kill yourself.

Daniel Dickey

So I was going through my normal playlist at work, when I played my first Chris Brown song of the day. Usually I find little Chris to be a foot tapping, rump shaking, sure fire way to appease young ethnic girls. But this day was different. No feet were tapping. No rumps were shaking. No young ethnic girls were appeased. Was Chris Brown no longer ‘a hit’?

That’s when I heard.

Chris why did you slap the shit out of Rihanna? Was her forehead giving you dirty looks again? Did you she tell you to shut up and drive? Did you find out about her hooking up with Dean Cane’s younger brother Austin?

I think I should make it clear that I am on your side, because I’m 3-400 percent sure she deserved it. A lot of people don’t understand a girlfriend is not just someone you call fat when they take their clothes off. They’re not just the people that cook our food whenever we say, I’m hungry you little slave. Girlfriends are suppose to be our punching bag…if not them, then who? If you can’t beat up on a women then who can you beat up on? I know your feeling me Chris. See me and you have a lot more in common than you think.

You know ever since I was 12 all I’ve ever wanted wanted to be was black and a R&B singer. Guess what? You just so happen to be black and a R&B singer. Exactly. Is it a miracle? Or how about this little fact. When I was 8 I drew the first tattoo I planned to get. It was of a skull with a halo over it. I wanted to get it on my hand. 10 years later you go and get a tattoo of a skull with a halo over it…on your hand! Brothers? Yeah probably. Last but not least…ever since I read in a Vibe magazine that your favorite food is mashed potatoes with mustard, my favorite food has been mashed potatoes with mustard. Cowincidence? Fate? Magic!

So Chris I think it’s imperative that you know I’m here for you right now. I don’t even care that Jay Z is sending his whole posse to have you murdered, I’ve got your back. Matter of fact by the time you read this you should expect to be released from jail, as I have sent $50,000 cash to the county court to be posted as your bond (I did not actually send real money, I just sent a half eaten bag of Cheetos, but trust me when I say, no one in their right mind is going to turn down a bag of delicious Cheetos). Everything is going to be fine.

PS: I know it’s hard being in jail, try not to forget that I’m out here waiting for you.

Kanye West why do you suck so much cow dick? Do you enjoy the oral stimulation of having all that multi colored mammal cock in your mouth? I have a feeling you do. Either way, I have a couple questions for you…

• Do you have down syndrome?
• Can Black people get down syndrome?
• Do those hip (Gay) glasses you wear, help protect your eyes from all of Lil Wayne’s semen?
• Do you cry sometime when you think about what a loser you were before you were famous?
• Do you cry sometimes when you think about what a loser you are now that you’re famous?
• Did your parents hit you when you were a child…For example

A Scene

• Little Kanye: Hey Mom did you make chicken?
• Kanye’s Mother: No little nigga, I made pot roast.
• Little Kanye: Well I want chicken, so I ain’t eating your roast.

(Now there are two options)

Option One

• Kanye’s Mother: What you say to me you little fucking beaver? I’ma beat the shit out of you and pour gravy in your nappy hair. (Kanye’s Mother punches him and the nose and holds him to the floor as she dumps gravey on his little nappy head).

Option Two

• Kanye’s Mother: But I worked all day cooking this for you.
• Lil Kanye: I said I wanted chicken, bitch.
• Kanye’s Mother: Ok hunny. I’ll make you some chicken. (Kanye’s Mother throws the pot roast in the hamper and goes to make some chicken).

I have a feeling Option Two was the norm in Lil Kanye’s life. It would explain why he acts like a bitch. Matter of fact, I’m going to rape you. Mark my words, if I ever see Kanye West, he’s going to be going down south…on me…cause I’m going to rape his little punk ass. A couple more questions…

• Did your hand ever get really sweaty while holding Jay-Z’s dick?
• Do you plan to look like such a tool at every awards show?
• Is it true you asked Common if he would ever consider letting you finger his belly button?
• When you said George Bush doesn’t like Black people…what did that have to do with a White Girl like you?

Kanye West you are the rotting shit in a homeless mans trousers. You are the hemorrhoids in ass of a aging Gorilla. You are a spoiled tub of chocolate milk…though, you do make some good music.

• Steve: Hey Judd.
• Judd: Hey Steve. I was wondering if maybe I could get you to sign something for me?
• Steve: (Holding up his stubs) Judd I have no hands.
• Judd: HAHA me and Lester tricked you real good!

Another Scene

(Judd waves at Steve with both hands)

• Judd: Hey Steve.
• Steve: Hello Judd.
• Judd: I was wondering if maybe you could sign this book for me?
• Steve: Judd I have no hands.
• Judd: Oh yeah, I’m sure. You could have just said no. You’re the same asshole you were ten years ago.

(Judd walks away smiling. Steve stands there scratching his head. Well, it looks more like he’s just flopping his arm stubs onto the top of his head to relive the itch. He has no success).

Question? Why’d you start wearing those blue socks to bed? I thought the black ones looked great (Probably Leslie’s choice. lol you married a Mann. Get it? Leslie Mann! We have the same humor, I know). While were on the subject of your wife, would you please tell her to STOP locking the sliding glass doors. Getting in through the broken skylight is not only a waste of time, but it’s also terrible on my back. You should of seen me last week (I wish you did). I was in bed all day after climbing through that six times in one night. Question? And you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want (Please do it’s KILLING me). Did you realize I swept up your hair at the salon last time you got your hair cut? I think you did. I glued it to my face. It was like were twins.

A Scene

• Judd You: Hey I’m Judd Apatow
• Judd Me: No, I’m Judd Apatow.
• Judd You: What? Did you glue my hair to your face? Oh my fucking GOD! Holy… what’s wrong with you? You’re nuts. I’m calling the cops you fucking weirdo.
• Judd Me: But Judd, we’re twins (sad face).
  

I wrote a joke for you. What is your favorite section in the grocery store? Produce! LOL LOL!! Get it cause your a Producer! I wish you would cum on my face.

I want you to take this as my official audition to be in your next movie. And Judd I have heard all about the ‘Casting Couch’ and want you to know, what happens on the couch stays in my mouth. Yeah I mean it the dirty way. So dirty. I will personally put this in your mail box now. But first I need to finish eating this bowl of your toenail clippings.

You’re biggest fan/boyfriend,

Lester

Lester your balls are on my chin, I’m not happy ;0(

BIG LOL you’re probably dieing laughing right now. You better be. I’m watching.

PS: If you could leave tonight’s leftovers in the microwave rather than the fridge, I’d really appreciate it. It’s a real pain looking through everything in the fridge. Also I just realized your dog’s name is Lester as well. Which makes me wonder? That bowl of water on the kitchen floor that says ‘Lester’… how will your dog know that you leave that out for me? Just something to think about.

As of recent I had my brain infiltrated by a quick witted wordsmith, that goes by the name Michael Ian Black. To those of you who have not read his recently published book “My Custom Van and 50 Other Mind Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face” you should. It is packed with with non stop comedic punches, that will punch you…in the face. I have been a fan of his since Stella, and think his delivery on a line in Wet Hot American Summer, is BY FAR the funniest line I have EVER heard in any movie, IN MY LIFE. So it’s no doubt after reading his book I wanted to do what most fans would do, stalk him. BUT since I’ve been so busy with moving to New York I decided to write him a letter instead. Here it is…

What should I title this to get you to read it?

Body:

Hello Michael,

or should I say Kevin (If that is your real name)?

I wanted to start this letter/heterosexual love note off by inviting you to my birthday bash. It’s going to be AWESOME. I wanted something better than the normal blah blah themed partied, so I went with a Slave theme. Not sex slaves…real black slaves, genius I know. I convinced Morgan Freeman and Jamie Foxx to dress up like slaves…which was actually quite easy, they just took off their jewelry. Was the a little wrong to say? Yes. Was it funny? Only God can answer that. But enough about you and back to me.

I am a film maker/”suspected” serial killer and am in the process of making a documentary about the funniest people in the world. As you probably guessed, most, and when I say most I mean all, of the funniest people in the world have not responded (Some have filed restraining orders)…so it leaves me with you.

Questions you might have…Being that I am a “suspected” serial killer, couldn’t this all be one of my ploys to kill you? Maybe. When I say “Documentary” does that also mean unpaid soft core porn? Probably.

Triple j/k. Double lol. In all serious you are on of my favorite comedians/humans and I have been a fan of yours (stalking you) for at least 3 or 4 weeks. I would love the opportunity to interview you or film you in your sleep.

And just so you know I too am “in the business” here’s a picture of me on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean…

I’m one crazy Pirate!

Daniel Dickey

I’m still waiting in his driveway for a reply.