• Last night I came home at 5:40am.
• I was a little drunk.
• I realized that my new computer has a web cam.
• This is what I did until 6:30am.

I think there was something about Aliens that seemed appealing at the moment…not sure what it was.

Daniel Dickey

MuscleGuy669 – No girls can do it too.
MuscleGuy669 – But it’s not like our cum, it’s clear…like water.
LilAngelCutiexx143 – Really?
LilAngelCutiexx143 – I’ve never done it.
MuscleGuy669 – Ok. Well how do you know when to stop?
LilAngelCutiexx143 – I dunno. It feels good for a while and then I decide to stop.
LilAngelCutiexx143 – I’m afraid of my parents walking in.
MuscleGuy669 – Why? How do you do it?
MuscleGuy669 – Like on your bed with your panties on?
LilAngelCutiexx143 – At night I get in my bed and put my covers over me.
MuscleGuy669 – And what?
MuscleGuy669 – Pull your panties down?
LilAngelCutiexx143 – Then I take my panties off and rub some vaseline on my figners.
MuscleGuy669 – Ok, why vaseline?
LilAngelCutiexx143 – It makes it easier.
LilAngelCutiexx143 – Then I stick a finger in there…
MuscleGuy669 – nice niceeeee
LilAngelCutiexx143 – And start moving it around.
MuscleGuy669 – You got ichat?
LilAngelCutiexx143 – No sorry.
MuscleGuy669 – Fuck.
MuscleGuy669 – How many fingers do you have in your pussy?
LilAngelCutiexx143 – Eventually I get two fingers in there.
LilAngelCutiexx143 – Then I put some vaseline on my other hand.
LilAngelCutiexx143 – And start rubbing my penis.
MuscleGuy669 – WHAT?

Which One Was I,

Daniel Dickey

Up until now my Brooklyn bachelorpad has been Roach and Rat free. I have heard stories of other New Yorkers having to fend off Roachs the size of Rats and Rats the size of small Bears, but I’ve always been fine. I’ve always ‘BEEN’ fine.

We stood in a complete stand still. Who would make the first move? If I moved first he would run. If he moved first I would surely begin crying. To the right of me I noticed my shoe. To the left I saw my girlfriends flat iron. They both would do the job, but my shoes were new. I reached for the flat iron, carefully watching his every movement. His eyes shifted, but I held fast as I wrapped my hands around the flat iron. He jolted to the left, but I quickly leaped in front of him. Again we were at a stand still. He flickered his antennas as if to say, “Go ahead try to catch me. You’re a pussy and I’m going to lay eggs all over this mother fucking house. So back the fuck up”. I responded by batting my eye lashes. What I was trying to say being, “Please don’t come any closer or I’ll pee all over myself”. I had to make my move soon, every second was another chance for him to escape into the wall or a crack in the wooden floor. With my legs spread wide I begin walking closer to him. He slowly creeped back. I wiped my sweaty hand on my fat face and squeezed the flat iron in my fist. He held his breath as he stared at me. I clenched my ass cheeks as I stared at him. BOOM I pounced like a hungry cougar. He got away, but I chased close after him. He ducked under the kitchen table, but I tossed it to the floor as I swatted him with the iron. One of his legs came off, but still he sprinted towards the stove. We both knew if he made to the stove he would win. I’m not a loser. I threw my body onto the floor as I assaulted him with harsh verbal blows like, “You stupid guy” and “DON’T CRAWL ON ME AAAAHHHH”. It worked and he headed the other way….the other way was my bedroom. My girlfriend was sleeping on my mattress. My mattress is on the floor. HE PLANNED THIS ALL ALONG! WHAT A FOOL I WAS! He was going to take my girlfriend hostage!

Outsmarted, I walked into my room to see him lounging on my girlfriends face. He saw me and smiled. I stepped closer and he creeped towards her mouth. I stopped and said, “Don’t you dare you little fucking guy”. To that he quickly responded by jumping into her open mouth, only to burst out seconds later, gasping for air. He under estimated the stink that lives in my girlfriends mouth as she sleeps. I knew he was hurt, her morning breath could bring down a large Bull, and though he was a fighter, he was no Bull. I jumped onto the bed, cocked back the flat iron over my head and screamed, “I going to kill you, you little mother fucker”. My girlfriends eyes popped open and she quickly kicked my hard in the balls (I have told her many times before I was going to kill her in her sleep, with a flat iron, and she assumed that night was the night). I fell to my knees, crying as I gripped my small testicles. My girlfriend then climbed on top of me and began thrashing her nails into my eyes. As my eyes squirted blood she repeated, “Oh my faggot little boyfriend thinks he can kill me while I’m sleeping? Guess what? I’m going to cut your legs off and leave you in to closet to die, you little fucking dick sucker”. I cried and pleaded for her to stop. To this she responded by kicking me in the ribs and smashing her flat iron into my face. She yelled, “What did you say something? I can’t hear you with all those dogs dicks in your mouth”. I did not have any dogs dicks in my mouth. She was lying, but I was almost dead. As my bleeding head was being pounded into the jagged wooden floor I saw the Roach sitting on my new shoes eating a piece of popcorn. With my puppy dog eyes looked at him for help, but he only laughed and began shitting in the shoe.

I’m writing this months later in a Brooklyn hospital. I came out of my coma a couple days ago and my new prosthetic legs should be showing up within the week. I am completely blind in my left eye and my right eye is actually no longer there, it is just a hole. I’ve been told it looks like an asshole right after the dick has been popped out. It’s still hard to breath as most of my ribs are still broken and both my lungs collapsed. Most of my nose is missing and nine of my fingers are gone because of the frost bite (After I regained consciousness in the bedroom I explain what really happened to my girlfriend. That I wasn’t trying to kill her, just the Roach. She ended up feeling really bad and ended up sticking me in the freezer. She said it would help with my swelling and she would take me out after 15 minutes. She fell asleep. She put me in there on Tuesday morning. She took me out on Sunday night. It’s been a ruff couple of months. I’m actually going into surgery within the hour to get the rest of the nails, tacks, and shards of glass out of my spine. Wish me luck…but make sure to do it in my left ear, as my right ear drum exploded as my girlfriend shouted, “You really thought you could kill me? Really, a pussy like you? Too bad you didn’t, because now I’m going to cut off all your skin with a razor and make you eat it. What did you say? You want me to saw off your penis and fill it with pudding for dessert? Good idea. That’s going to be so yummy, you little faggot bitch”.

Scared and hurt,

Daniel Dickey

Check this out

In an elaborate robbery scheme that’s one part The Thomas Crowne Affair and one part Pineapple Express, a crook robbed an armored truck outside a Bank of America branch in Monroe, Wash., by hiring decoys through Craigslist to deter authorities.

It gets better: He then escaped in a creek headed for the Skykomish River in an inner tube, and the cops are still looking for him. “A great amount of money” was taken, Monroe police said, but did not provide a dollar value.

It appears to have unfolded this way, according to a Seattle-based NBC affiliate: around 11:00 a.m. PDT on Tuesday, the robber, wearing a yellow vest, safety goggles, a blue shirt, and a respirator mask went over to a guard who was overseeing the unloading of cash to the bank from the truck. He sprayed the guard with pepper spray, grabbed his bag of money, and fled the scene.

But here’s the hilarious twist. The robber had previously put out a Craigslist ad for road maintenance workers, promising wages of $28.50 per hour. Recruits were asked to wait near the Bank of America right around the time of the robbery–wearing yellow vests, safety goggles, a respirator mask, and preferably a blue shirt. At least a dozen of them showed up after responding to the Craigslist ad.

“I came across the ad that was for a prevailing wage job for $28.50 an hour,” one of the unwitting decoys, named Mike, said to the NBC station. As it turns out, they were simply placed there to confuse cops who were looking for a guy wearing a virtually identical outfit.

Authorities eventually found the getaway inner tube (a getaway inner tube!) and suspect that accomplices may have picked up the robber in a boat. According to the NBC affiliate, police hope to track him down by figuring out who posted the Craigslist ad in the first place.

Craigslist founder Craig Newmark was not immediately available for comment.

<—All of them got herpes on Spring Break.

Spring Break is here! Well not for me, as I am sitting behind my computer in the still cold New York City, but hopefully it’s spring break for you. If it is, then I’m sure you’ll enjoy a week of highly intoxicated college students tanned and toned for the sexfest that nuts all over America this time of year. It going to be jammed packed with beaches, babes, and your roommates drawing large penis on your face as your passed out poolside. A recent poll revealed 92% of college students only live for spring break and if it ever got canceled they would kill themselves. I totally believe it, as I used to MC spring break party trips all around the country and have experience the funtastic fascination that is spring break.

With that being said, there is often a huge factor that is over looked while binge drinking in paradise…Herpes. Yeah, bet you didn’t expect to have that puss blister explode in your face right now. Boom. I’ve seen the best of young men and women come back with a little more than a suntan and some bruised shins. I’m here to help. These are the only ways to prevent getting Herpes this spring break.

The Only Ways To Not Get Herpes On Spring Break

• Carry an umbrella. If you see anyone with Herpes getting within a couple feet just smack the shit out of them with that umbrella-ela-ela-a.
• Before you go out make sure to cover your face with Vaseline and baby powder. I know this might sound crazy, and people might think you look like a marshmallow, but just in case you kiss any real dirt’s, the herpes won’t be able to eat through the Vaseline and baby powder. Thank you in advance.
• Wear sock on your hands at all times. Sounds crazy? Chew on this. Your just hanging out eating a sandwich and some insanely hot girls walk over and say, “Hey sandwich guy, you’re looking so fine”. Then they all give you a hi-five. You smile at your friends who can’t believe all those sexy babes just called you sandwich guy and finish eating your sandwich. BOOM. Four of the six girls had herpes, two of the four were picking at their herpes right before they gave you a hi-five. Fact: You just got herpes on your hand. Fact: Herpes is now on your sandwich. Fact: Your Turkey sandwich is now a herpes sandwich. Fact: Your friends are going to make fun of you for the rest of your life because once a month your lips look like someone threw moldy raspberries at you. If you had those socks on you could slap all those chicks hi-five and then throw that sock in the pool.
• Don’t wear a condom. Yes, this will be a huge defense against herpes and all other STD’s, but imagine if you got some random chick pregnant on spring break and she ended up having a kid. Tell me you wouldn’t be the man on campus if everyone found out you had a baby momma. Exactly!
• Before you sleep with any girl or guy, poke the right in the eye. It’s been said anyone with herpes can not bleed out of their eyes. So when you’ve finally convinced that person to take their clothes off, come up real slow like you’re going to whisper something sweet to them, and poke them in the eye hard as fuck. Boom! If they bleed, run, run so far away.
• Tell people your related to Hulk Hogan. Who in the right mind would risk giving someone that knows Hulk Hogan herpes?
• Make sure to to install a video camera in your hotel room. Of course this won’t stop you from getting herpes, but if you do get herpes and everyone finds out, odds are no will have sex with you. So while you browse herpes forums online trying to find someone else with blisters you can at least have something to jerk off to (If you’re thinking, can’t I just look at regular porn? No, they’ll know you have herpes, and they will hate you for it, probably yelling belittling things at your through the computer, like ‘get out of here raspberry lips’ or ‘hey does something smell or are you just stupid and ugly and have herpes’).
• Only take the elevator. I think this explains itself.
• Last but not least, make sure you never ever ever buy a drink for a girl you’re trying to lay. This will not protect you from herpes, but it will defiantly protect you from being a little bitch. Only little bitches have to buy girls drinks to get some toned tushie. Just tell that chick straight up, “Yo I’m feeling your sexy ass body and I’m thinking I’ll finger you later, but if you even mention shit about a drink I won’t hesitate to pimp slap the shit out of you. Got that? Good. What’s your name again?”

Follow all of that and you’ll live a happy herpes free life. Break even one of those rules all good luck trying to cover up those blisters.

Also please remember don’t judge someone if they happen to have herpes. They are just like us, just instead of being regular, they have herpes and their face smells like rotten berries and Bear farts.

As my coworker browsed through New York’s radio stations late last Saturday night, she stopped at one just as a 80’s R&B song was ending. Distracted with the Taco Bell drive-thru menu she left the station on and continued debating which meal would satisfy her craving for dog meat in a hard or soft taco, topped with crisp lettuce, cool sour cream, and rip tomatoes. I was in the passenger seat counting the hairs on my knuckles while I was molested by a stream of loud obnoxious commercials. Most were about male enhancement, but those never peak my interest since I wish I had a vagina (I do not have any desire to be a women or have sex with men, I just think having a little vagina would be much more comfortable and make me more agile during games of football and frisbee). There was one commercial that did make me lose count of my knuckle hair (I was currently on 24). Trying to word this in the most beautiful way for my readers, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life.

Would you like to buy a star? Of course I would like to buy a star! Who wouldn’t? I’d take a mortgage out on my mother’s house just to own Michael Buble. I’ll pay up to $1100 for Jennifer Aniston and make her work on my potato farm. I could buy Jermanie Dupree and pimp his little ass out to horny rugby players. I was dreaming about the complied list of celebrities I planned to own when it hit. They were talking about the stars in the sky. This caused me to get fired up. “What”, I yelled at the radio. “You stupid guy”, I vented at the voice over talent. My coworker, still undecided, had already left the car and went inside the restaurant (If you may call it such) to discuss her food options with a taco associate. I continued with my vicious verbal lashing, whipping the radio like a slave caught trying to read. As my boiling temperature came to a simmer, I listened to the rest of the commercial.

A company has taken out radio ads in New York to sell stars…really? I pride myself on my business sense, but even the sexiest Poodle has to comb his hair. Therefore I ‘could’ be wrong, but how can you sell something if you don’t own it? Yes, I have tried selling my girlfriend a number of times on ebay, but technically in the contract I made her sign before I let her see me naked, I do own her. But nobody owns the stars! They are stars! Giant balls of burning gas and molten lava, million and billions of miles away. How can you own that? In that case I own the moon. Would you like to purchase it? It has a great view of the earth. Wondering who I was yelling at, my coworker got into the car with six fat bags of tacos. I told her the situation and she responded, “Nassau” owns the stars. Now I realized then that she meant NASA (The National Aeronautics and Space Administration), but with her mouthful of warm chips and cheese, it sounded like she said Nassau. As in Nassau, Bahamas a ghetto ass little island that Photoshop’s beautiful pictures from other islands and post them on travel sites in hopes drunk college kids and retired Jewish couples will visit. I dismissed the possibility that she was referring to the island and looking her puzzled as ever I asked, “How exactly does NASA own the stars”? Covered in hot sauce she grunted that they own all of space and shit. I’m starting to see the affects of not requiring prospective job applicants from filling out a IQ test.

Nobody owns the stars! If there was or is a man or women or alien that goes by the name of ‘God’ then he/she/it might have a strong argument that he/she/it owns the stars, but until then they are free for the taking. Therefore if this company is going to go around naming and selling stars then so will I. BUT, big difference between me and those losers, I will also be selling PLANETS (I shit on that company). If you are interested in buying a star or planet, please feel fee to contact me with your desired star or planet and your offering price.

Note – I have already sold these stars/planets.

Jupiter – Sold to Garrett Levin for 60 hugs and a nasty foot rub.

Star number 1102 – Bought by some large Turkish man for $4.

Uranus – I gave this to my girlfriend in hopes to have her reconsider anal sex.

Star number 3 – Shane West bought this for Mandy Moore in a walk to remember.

PS: The Moon is still up for grabs to the highest bidder.

Just being a star,

Daniel Dickey

In today’s economy it’s not often you have the opportunity to apply for a job. Most companies aren’t excepting applications, let alone hiring. I’ve always prided myself as a expert when it comes to resumes and job applications, therefore I’ll show you a copy of a application I filled out yesterday for a very high paid executive job, and maybe it will help you with your job hunt.

• Name: Daniel, but all my friends call me lil bo bo the dutchess.
• Cell Phone Number: Fuck ass T Mobile turned it off, but I’ma bout to borrow some cash money from my grandma so I’ma be straight.
• Email Address: RobbinNKillenYou22121@yahoo.com
• Sex: iight, but I don’t blow my phone up when I’m done giving you that good love.
• Position Desired: Whatever you got. I ain’t picky…but don’t be stingy on a nigga. Feel me?
• Qualifications: I’m crazy good with people…especially with bitches. I ain’t met a bitch that wasn’t trying to fuck a nigga. You know what I’m saying? I’m also great with computers. I can disconnect it, erase the serial numbers, and have it sold within the hour.
• Past Employers: Some punk ass haters. If you see em tell em I’m gonna shoot him…straight up…shot…dead.
• Have you ever been convicted of a felony: You calling me a bitch?
• What attracts you to this job: I ain’t even gonna front, I saw a fine piece of chocolate cake grillin the shit out of me. You think I could get her number?
• Salary Expected: Nigga, Jordan’s ain’t free.
• Thoughts, Questions, Concerns: Ain’t I wrote enough?
• Availability: Tuesday’s at 9:30pm.

I hope this will be able to be a positive starting point for your job applications. If your wondering…I did not receive them job yet, but they did say if after my probation is up I am still interested, I can reapply under court supervision.