This $#!t is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Literally.

Hollywood, FL-based Totally Bananas, has made it possible for fatties like myself to splurge on sweet treats and not feel guilty afterward. How? Through bananas… chocolate covered bananas.

They start by picking a perfectly ripened Chiquita banana, then they cut it, flash freeze it and hand-dip it in semisweet chocolate. And if you’re a purist who keeps things simple, then it’s ready to eat and enjoy.

Read the rest of the review in my I’m So Happy Hour column right here.

Check this street interview I did with Blaqbook.com (needless to say, some cool peoples out of BROOKLYN).

“I use to see Daniel Dickey’s name written in Sharpie marker all over Williamsburg. One of the guys at my job told me to check out his blog a while back and I’ve been following it ever since. I emailed him while he was on vacation in Israel and he confirmed an interview with us. It’s pretty hilarious. We usually win every interview we do but it’s safe to say Daniel Dickey won this round. Daniel Dickey 1, blaqbook 0. I’m sure somewhere down the line we’ll get that rematch. Enjoy! The interview was done by blaqbook’s own Ting Ting Guan and shot by yours truly. Be sure to check out DanielDickey.com it’ll make your day. Enjoy!”

Jatinder Channa and I met at 12 years old. A mutual friend introduced us and we quickly realized we were both terrible at math and shared a passion for having sex with fine ass chicks. We’ve been best friends ever since. Part of the benefit of being best friends is taking advance of each others hook ups. When my infomercial career picks up, Jt is going to be running the dopest entourage in New York. But until then, Jt has been blowing up as a photographer. How do I benefit? He gives me one of his cameras, brings me to the studio, and tells completely naked girls I’ll be shooting as well. Dope hook up.

The camera wasn’t even on… I was just focusing back and forth between her ass cheeks.

In case you were wondering, she’s being airbrushed. Her body is not half white and half red.

I want to thank Jezebel for linking to my blog in one of their recent articles. They are one of the most popular sites online and the ‘props’ was much appreciated.

Hello to all my newly acquired readers,

Daniel Dickey

It’s Friday night and I’m currently DJing in front of 2,000 people in Times Square. The club is packed wall to wall with Manhattan’s hippest socialites and celebrities still in town from a earlier midtown movie premier. Several girls are dancing in cages above me… all but two are topless… the two not topless are completely naked. In my contract it states my bar tab will be comped up to $3000 dollars… I still have $1700 more to drink. Sorry, I took a break from writing just now, as Flo Rida just came up to the DJ booth asked me if I’d like to be his personal DJ for his upcoming tour… I said to have his people talk to my people. Lady Gaga just walked in with a cereal box on top of her head… I’m not sure if it’s a fashion thing or if she’s just really drunk. Doesn’t matter, it’s nuts in here! I’d write more, but it’s just too crazy right now.

Ok, let me try that again without lying.

It’s Friday night and I’m playing Billy Joel from my iTunes. The crowd is foreign and a couple French people are sleeping in a booth by the bar. I have my headphones on and I’m pretending to bob to the beat. Really I’m googling naked pictures of Lance Armstrong and playing minesweeper. Fuck, I just hit a mine.

After reading the last statement I’m sure it easily evident that my life is at its peak right now. It’s like I’m on the mountain looking down at the world… just the mountain is a elevated DJ booth in the middle of the cheesiest restaurant in the world. Every time I hop on the mic to let our guests know there’s a sale on sweatshirts in our first floor merchandise store, while mixing a mean Miley Cyrus set, I know I have arrived. I have achieved greatness. Sorry, I took a break from writing just now, as a seven year old Irish boy just requested Demi Lovato and Daddy Yankee.

After a year and a half in New York, I totally thought I’d already be a highly acclaimed, comedy based, broadcast talent… maybe next month.

Mixing Demi Lovato Into Daddy Yankee,

Daniel Dickey

When I moved to New York I decided I no longer wanted a TV. (I had no money to buy a TV or pay for cable, hence me deciding I no longer wanted a TV.) It has helped to keep my brain away from the rot that is poor programing and over publicized celebrity gossip, but it also hinders me from keeping up to date with global news. While reading the paper this morning, (I sound really old saying that.) I stumbled across some news that will prove very vital to my career. I learned about the late night feud going on between Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien. If you’re not familiar with the situation, Jay is renigging and wants his show back. Conan, as would anyone else, said eat this big dick sandwich right here and shut it ho. What does it mean for the world? It means Jay is getting his show back and Conan is leaving the station…leaving the Late Late Show wide open.

NBC you can take this as my official request to be considered as the next host of the Late Late Show. You’re first thoughts must be, “Who the hell is this bearded boy and why is he marching around our studio with a ‘Daniel Dickey Shits On Jimmy Falon’ sign?” Well this bearded boy happens to be your best shot at gaining the ratings your looking for. How do I know that? I have a beard…people with beards (Abraham Lincoln, Sigmund Freud, Rosie O’Donald) are geniuses! I’m also consistently funny some of the time, and will be able to bring a ton of innovative ideas to late night programming.

• Instead of telling jokes to start of the show, I’m going to rap…doesn’t matter about what (monkeys, staplers, build a bears, whatever).
• At the end of every show we kill one audience member. (This way people will always watch till the end. It also gives the audience a chance to really get involved).
• Whenever a celebrity starts acting like a douche bag (Joaquin Phoenix, Tila Tequila, Regis Philbin) I will punch them in the face. (I’m going to punch Regis Philbim either way.)
• Tuesday night booty dance contest. (I don’t think I have to explain how cool this will be. If it goes as well as I think it will, we might even have one for girls too!)
• I’m going to find that black guy from Reading Rainbow and make him my Co-Host (I might even make Reading Rainbow’s theme music the theme music for my show.)
• Theme days. Once a month anyone who comes on the show has to be dressed up in that theme. (First theme? A funeral. I know that doesn’t seem that funny at the moment, but when that night comes around and my first guest asks why the theme is a funeral…I will say, “Cause our ratings are fucking killing David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and that Scottish guy.)

That’s it for now…wouldn’t want to give all my secrets away.

NBC feel free to fax my agent your offer. (I currently don’t have an agent or a fax machine…so you can just email me or like send me a text).

Finding That Reading Rainbow Man,

Daniel Dickey

While working at my wonderful job today, a young, very beaver faced teenager starred at me for what seemed like minutes before he asked if I was on TV. Before I could say yes, he told his friends they owed him $6 because he won the bet. He then tried boosting my self esteem by asking how I went from MTV to working at a ‘gay ass place’ like Planet Hollywood. I didn’t care to answer and only shook my head and pointed to the sky, as if to say, God really has special plans for me. He didn’t care and decided to pop some of the balloons in the restaurant in attempts to amuse his fat little friends.

When he finished, he asked where my girlfriend was. I told him, “in my bed sleeping.” He quickly replied with, “that bitch is hot. I’d like to fuck her.” I told him “me too”, and if he could figure out how to, please give me some pointers. His friends laughed as he tried to think of something else to say. I guessed his little brain was tired because he just popped another balloon. He then looked at me and I gave him a look to signify, you’re not going to say something wittier than me, so stop trying to before I smack the shit out of you. He shut his face and walked about fifty feet away before he yelled out, “I’m going to fuck you girlfriend.” I blew him a kiss…with tongue. He looked confused as he ran away.

In other news, The Jonas Brothers came into Planet Hollywood…those Disney channel twerps didn’t even bother saying thank you after I signed and personally delivered several very sexy nude pictures of myself. Well Nick and Craig (I think that’s his name) didn’t, but the middle one (also known as Ugly Jonas) did give my thigh a stiff pinch as he put the pictures into his jacket pocket…which was thank you enough.

Explaining Why I Didn’t Get A Jonas Brother Autograph For My 12 Year Old Sister,

Daniel Dickey

Now that I’m single, only work part time, and quit spending my nights killing flies, I have a lot more time on my hands…hence the FREE COOKIE days. Something else that has become apart of my weekly routine has been stand up comedy. I’ve been doing it at least twice a week, and surprisingly I get enough chuckles to keep trying it.

Though I will admit, most (by most I mean 98.2%) of the time it goes like this…

• I say joke.
• People look at me confused.
• I look down at my feet, start studdering, and insecurely pee in my underwear.
• People start having a conversation amongst themselves, completely forgetting about the terrible comedian on stage.
• I get off the stage and whisper self loathing comments to myself.

But when it does go well it’s a feeling like none other in the world. Soooo I keep going around to different clubs hoping to experience the better side of stand up comedy. What’s my best joke?

• Knock Knock
• Who’s there?
• Who.
• Who who?
• Yo, you hear that owl…shit’s madd loud son.

I will never use that joke for the rest of my life. I apologize for those of you that read that and now want to kick me in the face. I’d post a video of me doing stand up, but it’s hard to hear my jokes over all the booing and drunk people breaking beer bottles and threatening to stab me with them if I don’t get off stage.

DJing in the city,

Daniel Dickey

After 10 months of chasing the dreams, I began to wonder if I’d ever catch up. Though I plan to chase my dreams until I fulfill them, a little positive reinforcement every now and then to remind me I’m on the right path is always nice. Up until now my only positives have been I am still living in an apartment (as apposed to a subway), I do not have the swine flu, and I haven’t developed mercury poisoning from eating two cans of tuna everyday. But I can now happily say I am a produced playwright, as a play I wrote, “Don’t Forget To Floss” was excepted into a One Act Festival and will be produced June 11-14th on the lower west side.

This doesn’t make me Shakespeare, but it does help in reasoning with myself that I am not wasting my time and shouldn’t just get a 9 – 5 job selling staplers and office paper. I do not want to sell office paper…in less of course it was at Dunder Mifflin and my desk was right next to Andy’s.

For a 22 year old aspiring writer being produced for the first time feels like losing your virginity to the prom king and convincing him not to use a condom, because you said you’re on the pill…when really your not…oh and guess what, now your pregnant with his baby, oh and he has to marry you and love you and make you breakfast every morning or else you just might tell all of his friends his dick is two colors. Yep, half of his dick is green and the other half is purple. That’s life bitches. I’m a playwright.

Cleaning up the mess (My cherry popped),

Daniel Dickey

Aw snap the Fresh Prince of Brooklyn is at it again.

This Friday night make sure to check out Tamboril in Fort Greene, Brooklyn. It is a ransom themed party…which I’m sure is going to be a huge hit with most of my readers, seeing ninety to ninety five percent are suspected serial killers. Good news is, for everyone you kidnap you recieve $1. To think I used to kidnap people for free. How the times have changed (Thanks Barack Obama).